Julie’s Football Club (+2.0 Goals) (-105)
Red Cheeks (-2.0 Goals) (-135)
Over 7.5 (-120)
Under 7.5 (-120)
Notes: On paper this game looks like it should go one way: red, losers of three games in a row including giving up seven goals in a period and losing a game they led 4-0, vs orange, winners of two in a row and sporting a sneaky-good .500 record. But unfortunately this game will not be played on paper but rather at the 96th street rink the Rangers recently fucked up renovated for us and in that regard, orange is in huge trouble. They will be without the services of Mitch and Joe while red is rocking a full roster for the first time all season. This does not bode well at all for the football club. They still have a path to victory, their standard one that relies on elite defense and Zisser making a few huge saves to keep them in it, but without Mitch and Joe I’m not sure if Jared and co will be able to score enough to keep the pressure on red. Cheeks by a few.
What About This Game Reminds Me Of Clueless: While Cher Horowitz may go through absolutely painstaking lengths to get Miss Geist and Mr Hall to hook up so that she can consequently argue up her own grades, Sophie goes through similar insane lengths to prevent an empty net goal with less than two seconds left. This doubled as one of the great gambling moments in league history as Cardello had a next goal scorer bet, resulting in a huge swing for the league sportsbook. Young Soph didn’t even know this to be the case but she still gave more effort on this meaningless play than many of you would in a tied playoff game. How are you going to be against a team player of that caliber? Answer: don’t do it.
Mojo Jojo (-145)
Red Cheeks (EVEN)
Over 7.0 (-110)
Under 7.0 (-130)
Notes: At long last, Mojo Jojo makes their season debut tonight as they face off against the Red Cheeks. What’s that you say? Mojo Jojo played two games already? Technically true but considering those games were legitimately a full month ago (!) and they haven’t played since, with an incredible four postponed games already this season, I’m branding this the opener and the team is ready to rock.
The matchup with red is almost impossible to call as it’s two of the teams we have the least info about but we do know both teams will have pretty much a full roster so I’d expect a good deal of running and a lot of action. My pick for the toughest game to handicap of the night but if I’m forced to choose, I’m picking Jojo to get their mojo going. Green to win.
What About This Game Reminds Me Of Clueless: When Christian moves to Beverly Hills and no one really knows who the fuck he is but Cher definitely thinks he’s hot and wants to get down with him. Meanwhile we’re over a month through the season and I don’t think anyone even remembers that Mojo Jojo is a team in this league but make no mistake about it, they are for sure hot. Will they too later be revealed to be gay? Only time will tell.
The Smurfs (-1.0 Goals) (-160)
The Golden Girls (+1.0 Goals) (+115)
Over 7.5 (-120)
Under 7.5 (-120)
Notes: This is of course the wtf line of the week as the Smurfs are 7-1 and coming off a pretty impressive domination of the black leopard cheeks while gold has yet to win a game this season and has many league members questioning whether Minsky is antisemitic. But under the hood, this is a much closer matchup than it would appear as a) I continue to believe that gold is really not THAT bad and b) blue won’t have Sam, Andrew, Annie, Brett or like 80% of their roster. Going to be an interesting matchup. Brita’s in for Annie, Chad’s random buddy who just moved here and is supposedly a decent dman with less than zero cardio is subbing but make no mistake, the Smurfs are badly depleted. I still give them the slight edge because they’re used to winning and that shit is contagious, but it should be a closer game than people think. If Amanda’s return from what was thought to be a season-ending injury inspires her team, as we all assume it surely will, anything can happen.
What About This Game Reminds Me Of Clueless: Most people would say Minsky’s draft strategy, but I for one am moreso Clueless about how this team hasn’t won a game so far. The roster really doesn’t look so bad and Max, once the #1 overall pick in this league, has now made the transition to actually underrated. Cher, what do you think?
The Hart Foundation (+165)
Mel’s Power Trip (-240)
Over 6.5 (EVEN)
Under 6.5 (-145)
Notes: Like most of yellow’s games this season, I’m expecting a lot of boredom in this one. That’s no slight as defense wins championships and yellow has been suffocating thus far, the only team to average less than two goals against per game on the back of great D and the goalie wild card. While some may say that yellow only wins due to goaltending, that’s not all that dissimilar from people complaining that the Rangers are only winning due to Igor Shesterkin. Spoiler alert: the goalie is a part of the team. No one batted an eye when the Chiefs were outplayed in virtually every facet of the Super Bowl against San Francisco but only won because of Mahomes, and why would they? He’s their best player and that’s what top players do: they sometimes win you games by themselves. And yet when it comes to hockey goalies, people have a tendency to view it as some sort of loophole rather than a very real case of the most important position coming through in key moments which happens across all sports. All this to say that pink has the better forward lineup by far, but I don’t think it’s going to matter here. I’ve been more bearish on yellow than the public all season but at a certain point you are what your record says you are, and the body of work indicates yellow is a top team while pink has a lot to figure out. Even with Pelletier out yet again, Power Trip to win.
What About This Game Reminds Me Of Clueless: When at the end of the movie Cher ends up hooking up with her stepbrother it was one of the weirder endings I can ever remember watching as a little kid. I absolutely could not believe that was how they were ending the film. But then some years pass and you’re like ok well they weren’t related by blood at all, and they weren’t raised together, and the movie’s a modern retelling of Jane Austen’s Emma in which Emma marries her stepbrother…and when I looked at Mel’s roster after the draft I similarly was like meh not bad but some weird-ass decisions in there for sure. Fast forward a month later and I’m like “how could she not hook up with Paul Rudd, everyone loves that guy.” So congrats Mel. Your team is solid and you get to marry your stepbrother.
The Golden Girls (+2.0 Goals) (+150)
Mojo Jojo (-2.0 Goals) (-220)
Over 7.5 (-120)
Under 7.5 (-120)
Notes: Brita probably can’t stay for this one as she has sex plans romantic plans but green will otherwise have pretty much everyone staying for this game. I assume gold will as well but it’s been tough to predict anything about that team with any level of certainty this season. There’s only so many times I can write that I think they’re being underrated by the public only to see them lose by multiple goals. This time I’ll be on the opposing bench helping to make it so. Anything can happen in a D5 game but green by two is my personal lock of the night.
What About This Game Reminds Me Of Clueless: Amber knows whats up – when forced to choose between sports and your social life, choose sex.
Merry Pranksters (-120)
Clappin’ Cheeks (-120)
Over 7.5 (-145)
Under 7.5 (EVEN)
Notes: The final game of the evening pits two of the top teams in what could very easily end up being a semi-final preview. The Pranksters have been having a banner season as Gelman and Jo’s scoring has been augmented by the elite goaltending of Jeff Green even if he isn’t nearly as good as me at pool (sorry). Clappin’ Cheeks has been pretty much exactly as predicted: scoring an absolute ton of goals but with the standard growing pains that accompany new captains learning how to run a franchise. This is actually an incredibly difficult game to predict in my opinion. It pits a squad that is pure offense against (and I can’t believe I’m saying this about a Gelman team) a squad built around defense and goaltending. It’s borderline shocking but tie dye is 3rd in goals against and will be highly motivated in this one. The late game is always notoriously crazy and to be honest I probably won’t even be watching much of it as the Rangers will be in the 3rd period of what I’m sure will be another brutally tight game, but I’m bullish on the Pranksters; I’ve personally had them ranked #3 in each of the power ranks and I don’t see any reason to turn back here. A regulation win for either team sees them finish the evening in 3rd in the standings. Cheeks are an offensive powerhouse but I think Jeff Green shuts it down. Pranksters to win and mount a very serious challenge for top two seeding as we head into the stretch run.
What About This Game Reminds Me Of Clueless: Aficionados of the culture will recall that Iggy Azalea didn’t get nearly enough credit for producing a music video in 2014, the last time the Rangers made the cup finals, that was legitimately a shot-for-shot remake of Clueless. Like it was legitimately an artistic endeavor we weren’t ready for and probably didn’t even deserve. In a just world she would have received a Grammy, an Oscar and possibly a Nobel Prize for this achievement. In the cruel world we live in, however, all she gets is recognition in these previews (ok, the song also went like 15x platinum but who’s counting). What does any of that have to do with this game? Not entirely sure, but enjoy.
