D5 Power Rankings (Volume I) (Fall 2024)

1) The Grassholes

Average Rank: 2.71
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 7
Standard Deviation: 2.38
1st Place Votes: 3 of 7

Comments: Green has come storming out of the gate with five straight wins. Incredibly, their differential is only +7 meaning they’re not blowing anyone out, but they’re finding ways to win close games. That will bode well for them come playoffs as Andrew looks to become the first player in league history with five championships, and five straight at that.

Comments From Anonymous Rankers: 

“Tequila-fueled and on fire. Had we lit a match near their mouths on Friday I’m pretty sure the rink would still be burning. Apparently they do better in green than pink.”

“Unclear how they’re so good but 5-0 is 5-0 so I’m forced to show them the respect they deserve. Definitely a well rounded team, with Andy going off and NYC finally finding a temperature cool enough for Corey, not to mention also sporting perennial Lady Byng winner Jo Robin. I like this roster, they’ve just been playing better than I would’ve expected.“

“Kolenberg should be permanently banned from the league if he is not able to win a ‘ship with the Eggman on his roster.“

2) Sexperts

Average Rank: 2.86
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 5
Standard Deviation: 1.35
1st Place Votes: 1 of 7

Comments: A 1-1 start to the season didn’t do much to dissuade rankers from being bullish on this ridiculously named team. Chad may be nursing yet another random injury at the ripe old age of 25 but the depth behind him and Jenna’s probable rookie of the year campaign keep blue in the hunt, as always, as the franchise looks to extend its record of 11 straight final four appearances dating back to the Summer of 2019.

Comments From Anonymous Rankers: 

“Always a threat.”

“Split their first night of the season, with a back and forth classic game vs. Black, and a bit less left in the tank to play against Pranksters, but it’s still hard to see this team doing any worse than the semi-finals with the Sam, Chad, Frey core.”

“I would never count Frey’s team out, but this is certainly a weaker roster than past seasons. I actually had to dig through the Facebook page to even find this roster as it’s not on the website. I wonder why that is. Don’t expect Frey to further shoot himself in the foot by trading for Yehuda (the worse one, since now there are too) again.”

3) Tropic Thunder

Average Rank: 4.14
Highest Rank: 2
Lowest Rank: 6
Standard Deviation: 1.46

Comments: Hicks told me before the draft that he was taking a goalie in round 1 this season, then watched as Gelman beat him to the punch with a surprise selection of Sonj at #4 overall. Still, he got his man in Jeff Green and, with Simon and CC leading the blueline, the Meatbox finally has as much meat invested on preventing goals as he does on scoring them. As long as no one on this team gets cancelled for wearing blackface like Robert Downey Jr in the actual film, this looks to be the most complete Hicks team since the Spring ’23 championship run.

Comments From Anonymous Rankers: 

“Decently deep and this is a pretty high ranking but I honestly don’t feel good about having them all the way up here. Goaltender in the first round is scary business.”

“Similar in roster construction to my top pick, but hasn’t put things together as solidly yet. They won’t play again until October 6th, and I’ll be looking at their next games closely to see if they look more like the team that couldn’t get started week one, or the solid all around team that handled 2 predicted top teams in a double week 2.”

“Jeff Green is the truth.”

4) Merry Pranksters

Average Rank: 4.57
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 10
Standard Deviation: 2.94
1st Place Votes: 1 of 7

Comments: Gelman drafted a legit contender in the Spring that was felled by poor playoff attendance and a wild Cheeks semifinal comeback. Last season the Pranksters were high in vibes but tremendously low in wins. This season they look to have returned to form with a well-rounded squad that can compete with anyone on any given night. Their record is middling but the respect they’re getting from rankers is legit: this is a very solid team.

Comments From Anonymous Rankers: 

“Their record isn’t indicative of their talent. They’re getting their shit together and KG is giving Annie a run for her lady’s night money. This team is sneaky good and I wouldn’t want to see them in an early round of the playoffs.”

“This team lacks the flash of some of the teams above it, but has won 3 straight with no glaring weakness, a bunch of goals from the back line, and top notch goaltending from Sonj. The vibes on this team are fantastic as always, but will this be the season they put everything together?“

“They remain the most annoying team to play against. And now Sonj is in net.“

5) Halloweenies

Average Rank: 4.86
Highest Rank: 2
Lowest Rank: 7
Standard Deviation: 1.95

Comments: The team that caused so many mental breakdowns on draft day I considered renaming this league The Trail Of Tears has gotten off to a middling start with two tight wins on opening night and two tight losses on Friday night. The depth has proven to be a major concern as opponents are throwing doubles at Magosin/Storer and daring other players to beat them. That said, Branson has been doing just that and is tied for the team lead with 3 points and Zach Flynn has yet to show up to a game. They’ll surely drop a few more regular season decisions but this is probably the last team I’d want to see come playoff time.

Comments From Anonymous Rankers: 

“They don’t have depth, but Storer and JoeM out there together is just sexy to watch. We all know I have a thing for sexy good hockey and those two play VERY good hockey together. Maybe they’ll just run a super short bench and make a run for it. Maybe McCracken will be the first goalie to score a goal in D5. Lots of question marks and I’m just here to watch it.“

“The best big 3 in d5 history. And a legitimate supervillain between the pipes. This team is spooky good.”

“Maybe not as good as everyone thought.”

6) My Cup Size Is Stanley

Average Rank: 5.00
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 9
Standard Deviation: 3.51
1st Place Votes: 1 of 7

Comments: Lots of jokes have been made throughout the years about team boobs but it must be said: since returning from a 1.5 year hiatus, Jenn has improved her drafting significantly. Last season’s squad started off 6-0 before a late season swoon and won the longest game in league history before bowing out in the semis. This season’s team is far worse defensively, but also far deeper offensively. This roster will give Spring 2024 Cheeks a run for their money as one of the highest scoring teams in league history. Will it be enough to send Jenn to the first D5 championship game of her career?

Comments From Anonymous Rankers: 

“This team is already scoring a ton of goals, and if they can get the right player/line combinations come playoff time, will be a nightmare for any team to handle. Will they be able to keep enough balls out of the net to win a championship is the bigger question, but having seen their first few games I wouldn’t bet against it.”

“As deep as it gets. Going to play some very high scoring games. Need to defend.”

“Gunshots? or Aryeh Missky just berating the end boards with missed shot attempts? Idk, but the Citizen app is getting some crazy clickthru right now.”

7) Flickin’ Bean

Average Rank: 6.57
Highest Rank: 6
Lowest Rank: 9
Standard Deviation: 2.70
1st Place Votes: 1 of 7

Comments: Always a popular pick to finish high due to their propensity to draft well and come up with truly graphic team names, this seasons iteration went above and beyond with the logo, but like Cup Size, not so much with the defense. Pete and Cherie are a solid top pair but the rest of the squad will have to form a chastity belt if they want to protect the most important bean of all: their own net.

Comments From Anonymous Rankers: 

“The Championship Hangover was real in Wk 1… but the defending champs are still the team to beat.“

“I don’t know how Tom Fitz agreed to be drafted by a team with such a vulgar name, but I digress. Despite the top end talent on this roster, the FuckBoys™️ are having some trouble finding the clit this time around. Maybe they laid all their pipe winning the championship last season and got nothing left in the tank. Only 2 games in, but they seem to be missing the virility of years past.“

“Dom leaving this franchise is a massive blow both on the court and in the locker room.”

8) The Sharks

Average Rank: 7.57
Highest Rank: 4
Lowest Rank: 11
Standard Deviation: 2.37

Comments: I had The Sharks ranked in my top 3 before the season but they’ve had a rough start to the campaign and, were the season to end today, they’d be a play-in team. I still think they will be in the top half by the end of the season as they’ve yet to have full attendance for any game and simply have too much talent to be ranked this low. And even if they do end up in the play-ins…well, that worked out pretty well for them last time around.

Comments From Anonymous Rankers: 

“The results haven’t looked great so far, but they haven’t lost by more than one goal, and on paper this looks to be a pretty strong group. I would bet on this team to right the ship and get some more victories, but the better question is, will Jack keep wearing a bucket if his scoring drought continues?”

“Any Annie-led team has a good shot to win it all in my opinion. I wonder if it’s feministy or anti-feministy to try to find a trophy with a stripper working the pole and call it the Lady’s Night Award.”
 
“I’m honestly just more bothered that 1) such a lame name like seriously zero points for creativity 2) sharks are not purple so it’s just confusing. Like, they’re not bad, but it just feels meh. They’ll probably have some sort of underdog playoff run because Jack but until then I’m not super impressed. Fin.”

9) The MilkMob

Average Rank: 8.57
Highest Rank: 6
Lowest Rank: 11
Standard Deviation: 2.12

Comments: The wildest bench in D5 history along with the most active team group chat I’ve ever seen come together for The MilkMob, D5’s hottest new team. From deep in the farm country of the Upper East Side, white has emerged as America’s Team and despite a crazy draft where Fusco went rogue and just yelled multiple times, they went 1-1 on opening day and are far from satisfied. Where this season will lead is certainly up for debate but there’s no doubt that everyone will be watching them with some mix of curiosity, amusement, shock, jealousy and probably some thirst. Got Milk?

Comments From Anonymous Rankers: 

“The vibes are so damn high with this team. If “glue guy” could be a whole team it would be this one. Plus they have talent. I just want more milk content. There’s gotta be some alignment with the Boobs and Milk teams.”

“I haven’t really seen this team play, but the energy they bring every week is electric. If this squad gets on a run, Joe might start getting calls to unseat Eric Adams (too soon?). They will have a bunch of games in the first week of October which should give a better sense of what this squad is capable of.”

10) Red Sabbath

Average Rank: 8.86
Highest Rank: 4
Lowest Rank: 11
Standard Deviation: 2.30

Comments: Red augmented their standard core of players with a rookie most had never heard of in Lucas and the Goalie Wildcard, which was really just their way of getting Sonj back for another season. The general consensus is that by no means is this team bad, but there is more parity in the league this season than we’ve seen in several years and there’s just too many teams ahead of them. It’s tough to count out a squad that usually very competitive, and they did just notch an impressive shootout win over the Halloweenies, but it’ll be an uphill battle against most of the league’s top teams.

Comments From Anonymous Rankers: 

“The Nate Lerner System has had some very strong showings lately, but this one hasn’t gotten off to the start their captains would have wanted. They were able to pull off a shootout victory in their last game, and if they can get the momentum going now they could rise up these ranks, but they will likely need to score some more goals for them to pull that off.”

“Just not looking like they have their shit together yet but again, a lot of talent. First time I’m not at all confident in the last place ranking really being a last place team. This parity is way too even and not enough games to really tell, but red might need to go back to Nate’s School of Learning for People Who Want To Play Hockey Good to turn things around.”

“After last season’s absolutely stacked roster, it’s not surprising that Nate Lerner Incorporated is having trouble replicating last quarters record breaking numbers. If this team is counting on Tarnow to carry them, they’re gonna need a bigger Eruv. Or they’re going to need to perform Heter Mechira and sell the team to Campbell and Luke. No doubt I still think this is a good squad, but it’s almost sundown and they’re still in the red. If these fellas don’t turn things around soon, it won’t be a Good Shabbas. Frey was that too many Sabbath jokes?“

“Goose is back and will do anything it takes to grab a handful of the cup…”