D5 Power Rankings (Volume II) (Fall 2024)

1) Flickin’ Bean

Average Rank: 2.25
Previous Rank: 7 (up 6)
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 6
Standard Deviation: 1.75
1st Place Votes: 4 of 8

Comments: After a brutal start to the season with a championship hangover induced two loss banner raising night, pink has righted the ship with wins in 6 of 7 games since. They’ve got one of the scariest top lines in D5 history with Ryan/Fitz/Cherie and some intriguing rookies led by Ian Keller who referred to me as “that D5 guy” when I ran into him on the street last Saturday. Always great to be recognized by fans and well-wishers alike. Anyways, this team’s got everything it needs to make another run at the cup.

Comments From Anonymous Rankers: 

“It’s spooky szn… and Ryan x Tom Fitz is legitimately the scariest thing I’ve ever seen.”

“Their talent is undeniable, but their ethics are far from it.  Sir Tom Fitzgerald is the best offensive player in the league and having him on a line with Ryan gives them the best shot for the title.  Did they really need Wayne Gretzky Jr as a sub vs MilkMob?  I’ll take Business Ethics for $1,000”

“I’m still horrified by this name even as a hetrosexual man, but I’m starting to cum around to their roster. After starting slow, they are finally having some hot flashes. Joe actually showing up is a game changer, especially when paired with Pete, and together with Tom F/Ryan/Cherie is probably the best full first line in the league. Doug has been playing fantastic (unlike his hometown Phillies), and this team might just have what it takes once again.”

2) Sexperts

Average Rank: 2.88
Previous Rank: 2 (unchanged)
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 7
Standard Deviation: 2.10
1st Place Votes: 2 of 8

Comments: Blue started the season 1-2 but won both legs of a doubleheader last week, albeit each by only one goal. They’ve played less games than any other team and rankers seem to be grading this team based on playoff potential rather than prior results, which is actually exactly how you’re supposed to approach these ranks. Lots of question marks due to injury but at full strength easily one of the scariest lineups in the league.

Comments From Anonymous Rankers: 

“After bullying Referee Scott out of the league, they are looking solid as always.”

“Frey doing what he does best, supplementing himself with two of the best players in the league, and then drafting an extremely solid team around them. Although he’s no Phelps, Geskin has been playing great in net, and certainly with a better functioning liver. They’re only halfway through their season, but as a reminder, never bet against the house.“

“It feels like we still have no idea what this team is truly capable of with their full roster. They’ve played the least games in the league, but they’re getting the Ws anyway, leaving me to wonder how much better they can be if they have all of their weapons? They have 5 games left to grab a top seed and go straight to playoff week 2…but I don’t think they’re as worried about their seeding as they are maintaining their Sexpert status.”

3) Merry Pranksters

Average Rank: 3.25
Previous Rank: 4 (up 1)
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 6
Standard Deviation: 1.91
1st Place Votes: 1 of 8

Comments: Some are calling this Gelman’s best draft of all time as his team currently sits atop the standings. Then again, they’ve also played more games than any other team in the league. A solid roster top-to-bottom with scoring, defense, depth and goaltending. Is this the year for the franchise’s first ever finals appearance?

Comments From Anonymous Rankers: 

“They’ve been hot recently, and I applaud Gelman for drafting a team pretty much solely based on people he likes, but I’m not completely sold on them. Sonj has been fantastic as per usual, and the KG/Maddy duo has been great too, but having two players make up more than half the team’s goals isn’t the most sustainable roster build. Sure Gelman’s cherry picking has been rewarding him handsomely this season, but there’s more to winning than individual stats.”

“This team has really been firing on all cylinders since they started to gel, and they’re a very scary team to play against when they’re clicking and playing well together. It’s clear that their 2 weaknesses are KG’s inability to not take balls to the face, and the fact that they have Bad Yehuda^TM who is obviously not atoning for all his annoying/gross/horrific sins that he commits in his everyday life and against all of us in this league, so God will likely smite him and his team down. His bad karma may be too large for even Super Jewish Gelman to make up for. Unfortunately for D5 most of us are also sinners and therefore God likely won’t answer our prayers to smite Bad Yehuda^TM so this team will keep rolling.”

“The most underrated female duo in the league combined with opportunistic scoring and top goaltending has made this team a problem for every other team in the league. After missing the 2nd to last game of the season, will Gelman go all out in pursuit of a 5 goal game to break the single season goals record?“

4) The Grassholes

Average Rank: 4.38
Previous Rank: 1 (down 3)
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 8
Standard Deviation: 2.20
1st Place Votes: 1 of 8

Comments: Green slips in these ranks after dropping their last three games, all of which came after Jake’s latest goalie debacle where Corey tweaked his knee in a game and hasn’t been seen since. Still, this is a very well built team and the record from the first few weeks is no fluke. At full strength (or even slightly less than that), they can play with anyone in the league. And lest we forget – Andrew’s never lost a playoff game in his D5 career.

Comments From Anonymous Rankers: 

“Killer first line combination with Rockoff being the steal of the draft.  Had an easier start to the schedule, with a few deficiencies popping up against tougher teams.  Tough out come playoff time, and could see them in the the finals.”

“The consensus number 1 team last power rankings has now dropped 3 straight games and is now going to face a major challenge with 2 games left against blue and pink. If they want to finish in the top 2 they will likely need to win both, but this team still remains quite good. They still have 2 weeks for Corey to return from injury, and if he can bring his top goaltending back to this team, they should be able to regain their momentum and finish off the season strong. If their late September post game celebration is any indication, they have the strongest tequila celly game in the league.”

“What can I say, I really like the balance on this team. Veteran leadership, defense, scoring, girls, goaltending. Very well rounded (insert egghead joke here). Fr though I still think this might be the best team, but it’s close.”

5) My Cup Size Is Stanley

Average Rank: 4.88
Previous Rank: 6 (up 1)
Highest Rank: 3
Lowest Rank: 9
Standard Deviation: 2.00

Comments: The highest scoring team in the league notched an impressive come-from-behind win over The Sharks last week despite being down 4-0 midway through the 2nd. They’ve got the most forward depth of any team out there but defense will be a concern, as it has been all season, as they look to make the franchise’s first ever run to the finals.

Comments From Anonymous Rankers: 

“Did you know their name is a play on big boobies?  Well Jenn’s team is rocking this year much like her tits!  They might have the best collective offensive unit in the league, with a few talented pricks out there.  Emphasis on pricks.”

“While it may look like this team is structured to only be an offensive powerhouse, the shutdown D by Mikey and Hilary is scary and rivals any other top D line out there. If the roster shows up this team should scare anyone in the playoffs. Plus, Jenn’s boobs really deserve to win. “

“The ball hockey gods will punish them for what they did to a severely depleted Orange team.”

6) Tropic Thunder

Average Rank: 5.88
Previous Rank: 3 (down 3)
Highest Rank: 5
Lowest Rank: 8
Standard Deviation: 1.73

Comments: Camo picked up a much needed win over the previously top ranked Grassholes last week but need a bit more consistency to climb up to the contenders tier. Still, with Hicks and Will burying goals, Simon and CC anchoring the back-end, Jeff Green between the pipes and apparently the full support of Donald Trump, this team really has too much talent to be ranked this low.

Comments From Anonymous Rankers: 

“Is there such a thing as too much man meat?  We think so.  Tropic Thunder is grunting their way through the season with little, to no finesse.  For the talent they have, they should be higher.”  

“Now that festival season is over and the hikings trails in Italy have closed for the season, having Jeff Green reliably in the NYC area will be huge, especially with Hick’s notorious focus on team offense. Their recent stretch of losing to Sharks and Melrose but then beating Grassholes is confusing, but I still believe they belong in the top 5.”

“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this league that will sadly never leave my brain, it’s don’t doubt a man who’s willing to eat bull testicle pills to win a beer hockey league game. Hicks is now playing angry and with a vengeance which should leave all the competition fearful not only of his sick goal scoring abilities as was showcased in the IG goal of the week, but also of his complete blatant disregard for all human decency in his cellys as he sprays imaginary bodily fluids all over the other team. Who doesn’t love a good dog piss on the goalie or jerk-off celly during daylight hours in a children’s park? One of their 3 losses is also under protest due to some pretty shady shit that forced Camo to play with a merry band of misfits and lose to a team they otherwise would have beaten, so their record should even be better than it is. Assuming Jeff Green doesn’t drive away in a van, the Tigers’ schedule doesn’t leave Hicks in a predicament, and the rest of the top of their roster shows up, this team will be amped up on pre-workout and testicles and more than a little scary to play against.“

7) The MilkMob

Average Rank: 7.13
Previous Rank: 9 (up 2)
Highest Rank: 4
Lowest Rank: 10
Standard Deviation: 2.03

Comments: Even two straight losses can’t put a damper on the spirit of the MilkMob, possibly. the most electric team in league history. They’ve got cowbells, they’ve got rasta headbands, they’ve got crazy cellys where they milk each other. And they’ve still got a shot at finishing top four and bypassing multiple playoff rounds. Milk may help you sleep, but it would be a mistake to sleep on the milk.

Comments From Anonymous Rankers: 

“Electric energy from this crew every single game. Between cowbells, milk chants, and some truly impressive headwear, I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a D5 team so bought into their identity. Every team above them in the rankings wants someone else to deal with this hype machine in the playoffs.”

“It’s more than just the vibes (which can take you very far in this league and in life!) this team clearly has talent. I wanted to rank this team a bit higher, but always get a little nervous with new captains being able to win the Chip. That said, it wouldn’t surprise me at all if they did and would force the first NASCAR-style milk from the cup championship celebration.”

“The Meehan – Rasta Meehan line is as good of a 1-2 punch as you’ll see in this league.”

8) Red Sabbath

Average Rank: 7.63
Previous Rank: 10 (up 2)
Highest Rank: 4
Lowest Rank: 10
Standard Deviation: 2.20

Comments: Red’s bounced back from an uneven start to notch an impressive win against the top ranked Bean and tight one goal losses to the 2nd and 3rd ranked Sexperts and Pranksters. It’s a solid team that can keep pace with anyone, but questions remain if they are likely to beat out the top teams come playoff time. Still, with strong depth and the goalie wildcard giving them carte blanche to use Sonj every game, it’s a tough matchup for any team.

Comments From Anonymous Rankers: 

“Every single game they’ve played has been decided by 1 goal. This team could easily have an extra 2-3 wins and be at the top of the leaderboard. They get a bump from me for beating Pink in a back and forth classic, and will likely be a tough out come playoff time.”

“A team that’s known for their regular season success is not having much of it, but perhaps they finally traded first seed disappointment for last seed upsets. Drafting Goose is certainly a step in the right direction, but will he lay the golden egg?”

“It’s hard to rank a team that has so much talent on its roster this low, but when your record looks the way it does it’s hard not to. Has Nate forgotten how to teach The Nate Lerner System properly? What’s going on here? Are they just in mourning over Carter choosing to attend college instead of sticking around to play ball hockey? Is Tarnow just intentionally having them lose so he can make the case that all their captains should have lower rankings as supplemental picks next season?? That all said, I wouldn’t be shocked if they actually get their shit together and make a run in the playoffs. Depending on how the bracket shakes out they’ll have their pick from the top goalies and if the stars align might be able to dig themselves out of this very low ranked hole. Could be fun to watch. Bring your bevvies.”

9) The Sharks

Average Rank: 8.50
Previous Rank: 8 (down 1)
Highest Rank: 3
Lowest Rank: 11
Standard Deviation: 2.73

Comments: I had The Sharks ranked in my top 3 before the season but it’s been a tough autumn for them, capped off by last week’s crazy loss to Cup Size despite holding a late 4-0 lead. They responded by putting up 7 goals on a very strong Tropic Thunder squad and I still believe in this team as a whole (exemplified by me being the one to rank them at #3 despite their record), but they’re going to need to start racking up wins fast to avoid the play-ins.

Comments From Anonymous Rankers: 

“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if Annie is the captain of a team I can’t rule them out. While they’ve lost 4, they’ve never lost by more than 1 goal and one of those losses was in OT. This team has the firepower to score and win and they still have 4 games left to get their shit together and see if they can build some momentum. It’s always Ladies Night on Purple and when it’s Ladies Night everyone wins. Don’t sleep on this team. Unless you’re Jack and Annie…hopefully with each other and not Neil. That’s reserved for the Demons.”

“They actually looked surprisingly solid against the #4 black team… until they choked away a 4 goal lead with 7 minutes left, all without it even spilling to overtime. I’m not one for trash talk, and credit where credit is due- black is good, but that type of shit gets you ranked dead last. That, and one regulation win. Their underlying numbers aren’t awful (0 goal differential is mid range, not last). And there’s certainly potential with this roser, especially Jack in the playoffs, but so far not so good, and they’re gonna need a bigger boat.“
 
“Will never count out a team with McGinty on it run by his better half, but their offense seems to be inept.  Possibly too much talent on the backend and shots from the point, leaving much to be desired up front.“

10) Halloweenies

Average Rank: 8.75
Previous Rank: 5 (down 5)
Highest Rank: 7
Lowest Rank: 10
Standard Deviation: 1.28

Comments: The top of this lineup remains as scary as it gets, but the overall results have been somewhat lacking as they’ve gone 0-5 since a 2-0 start on opening night. It’s still a team that I’m sure no one is particularly eager to face in the playoffs but they’re going to need to start getting contributions from the bottom of the lineup if orange is to have any chance of advancing through the play-ins in a year with more parity and overall depth than any we’ve ever seen.

Comments From Anonymous Rankers: 

This team is scary good with their top players, and surely the shortened playoff bench will be a benefit when Storer takes 42 minute shifts, but the lack of depth is concerning.

“The results haven’t looked good so far for orange. Their captains remain some of the best players in the league, but with 3 games to go, find themselves near the bottom of the standings, and will have a tough road to make it to the cup. If they can get it together in the playoffs they have a chance to be scary, but time is running out fast for the Halloweenies to avoid turning into a pumpkin.”

“Ya know, it’s funny to see how many people bitch and moan and then suddenly shut up when all their complaints are ultimately for nothing and then don’t apologize for it. Actually, it’s not funny. It’s annoying. That said, the captains of this team are the opposite of annoying. They’re 3 of the most chill dudes ever and an absolute pleasure to have in this league except when you have to play against them, since they have some insane and sexy talent. If they can get their whole roster to show up in the playoffs and then shorten their bench when they need to, I can see this team making a run for it. I don’t want to count them out just yet, and think they may have some Halloween magic up their sleeves.”