1) Team Pie Pie
Average Rank: 1.75
Previous Rank: 3 (up 2)
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 4
Standard Deviation: 1.04
1st Place Votes: 4 of 8
Comments: When I announced that the Spring 2025 season would feature a team drafted by me, run by James and named after a fat diabetic orange cat, the reactions were pretty much what you’d expect: a bit of shock and a lot of laughter. Well, no one’s laughing anymore except the people on the Pie Pie bench as they’ve jumped out to a 3-0 start with a league best +9 goal differential. Bramson’s top 5 in scoring, Sophia’s summer draft stock is soaring and I will never for the life of me understand how Jo Robin was available at #4. Easily the deepest roster in the league with no discernible weakness, the vibes are high and they’re looking to ride them all the way into championship week.
Fusco Milk Ranking: Whole Milk
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Another game day, another methodical dismantling of a team with the goals coming from up and down the lineup. I still have my doubts about their goaltending, and that’s the only thing stopping me from a first place ranking. If the goaltending holds, they’re the non-blue team to beat.”
“Would love to hear the inspirational speeches from the leadership team of James and Caitlin, two of the more reserved demeanors in the league. But when you play for a deceased diabetic cat it’s easy to find motivation.“
“Like the cat version, this team is hungry, unlike the cat version, they have functional legs. RIP Pie Pie.”
2) Mace Windu
Average Rank: 2.75
Previous Rank: 5 (up 3)
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 6
Standard Deviation: 1.49
1st Place Votes: 1 of 8
Comments: Everyone agreed that this was a solid all-around draft for purple but I’m not sure anyone saw a 3-0 start coming that has them in first place 1/3 of the way through the season. To be fair, the three teams they’ve beaten are a combined 1-7, but you can only play who’s on your schedule and they have certainly taken care of business against those teams. Matchups this week with the yet to give up a goal this season Reds and the always tough Beaters Of Meat (plus a rematch against Pizza that they barely took the first time around) will give us a better idea of how this team stacks up. I’m still bullish, but cautiously so.
Fusco Milk Ranking: Chocolate Milk
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“3-0 to start the season, but the competition is about to ramp up. I’m still sold on the combination of elite offense from Tom Fitz, elite goaltending from AJ, elite defense from Ariel, and probably the best depth in the league. The force is strong with this team.”
“You know the team is doing well because Milstein is still the captain and Mel is not.”
“I think they think they’re better than they are. Good team, but who have they really beaten? Probably the two worst teams in the league and a decent silver team. Once they lose a game all hell might break loose and we might see captain Mel run this team into the ground. I do think this team is legit but ranking them first is a bit of an overreaction. More for them to prove.”
T3) The Blue Streakers
Average Rank: 3.63
Previous Rank: 1 (down 2)
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 7
Standard Deviation: 2.13
1st Place Votes: 2 of 8
Comments: Blue splits their opening night doubleheader and drops to 3rd in the ranks, although it took a pretty incredible Zisser performance in the 3rd period to lock that one up for green. With Cardello flying in on the team jet for this week’s tripleheader and Jack leading the team in scoring from the blueline, plus possibly the deepest girl-squad in league history, the vibes are extremely high as they set their sites on yet another run to the final four and, more importantly, a dinner at Patrizia’s that sets up like a season of White Lotus where you know someone will end up dead, but need to find out who it is. No incest though (hopefully).
Fusco Milk Ranking: Goat Milk
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“This team can easily be #1 if Jack is here for the playoffs. The uncertainty leaves them at the 5th place spot.”
“The biggest question mark here will be Cardello’s attendance. If he shows up often they’ll be a good team. If he doesn’t show up- they’ll be even better.“
“The focus is still on team dinner. Business is booming.”
T3) Beatin’ Meat
Average Rank: 3.63
Previous Rank: 2 (down 1)
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 7
Standard Deviation: 1.77
1st Place Votes: 1 of 8
Comments: Despite a 1-2 start, rankers are still bullish on maroon at least partially due to the franchise’s reputation for high scoring, deep playoff runs. Ryan and Nick have yet to fully hit their stride and Lucas joins Nick as a legit contender for rookie of the year. That said, after seeing Corey at the rink last week, I’m not sure if we’ll see him in net this season, but if they have to use Cheeks alum Ridzik in net, I’m sure that’ll be just fine with them. No matter what happens, as long as their core remains intact, they’ll remain a threat to win it all til the final bell, despite giving up the 2nd most goals per game in the league and participating in a game last week that was basically the Royal Rumble. All very on brand.
Fusco Milk Ranking: Heavy Cream
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Despite their loss, I still think this team is the team to beat. Nick and Ryan are the best 1-2 combo in the league. But what’s with all these ejections I heard about?”
“This team only has doup who wants to play defense and he’s only trying to score goals. Tommy thinks he’s a cage fighter supposedly after getting married or he got inspired watching lions hunt in Africa. Either way he should’ve been ejaculated last game. They’re good, not great but somehow they always figure out a way.”
“Their last game got chippy and ended in a scrum where one player was ejaculated, and another got kicked out of the game. They’ll need to rub that one out quickly if they want to get their season back on track.“
5) Talking Reds
Average Rank: 4.00
Previous Rank: 4 (down 1)
Highest Rank: 3
Lowest Rank: 5
Standard Deviation: 1.07
Comments: No joke, ever single ranker had this team either 3 or 5. No one seems to think they’re super elite, but you can’t argue with results or the fact that they still haven’t given up a single goal this season. Incredibly, despite this hot start they’ve somehow moved down a ranking slot which doesn’t make a ton of sense except that people really don’t like watching these games. To be fair, the games are not particularly fun to watch as a spectator but they are yielding shareholder value and as long as Campbell keeps delivering wins that Nate can claim are actually due to the Nate Lerner System, they’ll remain one of the tougher teams to beat and possibly one of the best defensive teams we’ve seen in years.
Fusco Milk Ranking: Half & Half
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“No surprise, Campbell is elite, the rest of the team is built to be decent. Can legit beat anyone because of the insane tending.”
“If this team was a meat it would be dry overcooked unseasoned chicken. And they’ll win a lot of games being just that.”
“Frey is right, we’re basically the Lundqvist era Rangers. I’ll even add that in this case there is no Rick Nash or Marian Gaborik.”
(Editor’s Note: Nate is 100% Michael Del Zotto).
6) The Grassholes
Average Rank: 6.38
Previous Rank: 6 (unchanged)
Highest Rank: 5
Lowest Rank: 8
Standard Deviation: 1.06
Comments: An up-and down start for green as they opened their season by giving up three goals in their first four minutes played. Since that point, they’ve outscored their opponents 7-4, with those two opponents being blue and maroon. Which team is the real one? Are they a veteran squad that knows how to win or a lot of smoke and mirrors being held together by the dad strength of Stern and the soon-to-be-dad strength of Zisser? Flying under the radar is a possible career year by Ryann who has 5 points in 2 games and has developed some severely underrated chemistry with Stern. I’m not ready to rank this team among the league’s elite, but I also think they’re a tricky group who can beat any team on any given night. Maybe the most variance of any team in the entire league, they could easily climb to top 4 by end of season or end up in the play-in. Place your bets folks.
Fusco Milk Ranking: Skim Milk
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“People obsess over value in specific draft positions, but the second the draft is over, the only thing that matters is: how is the talent on the roster, and does it fit together? Top line scoring, a top defender, strong women, and strong goaltending are all here for this squad, so I really don’t agree with the people ranking them low. They do however have a very challenging schedule with 3 games against orange, so they might need to win a bunch of playoff games in order for Andrew to stay playoff undefeated.”
“Impressive win against blue, but I need to see more before I can give a vote of confidence.”
“Eggcellent defensive team, but I’m not sure their offense is eggsplosive enough to do eggzactly what they want to do. Definitely an eggciting roster though.”
7) Silver Stallions
Average Rank: 7.25
Previous Rank: 8 (up 1)
Highest Rank: 6
Lowest Rank: 10
Standard Deviation: 1.58
Comments: A bit surprising to see silver ranked this low with an impressive win over Meat, a near-comeback against Mace and boasting the league’s current top scorer and frontrunner for rookie of the year, James P. There have been some concerns over defense and attendance but this remains a very solid roster top-to-bottom and it appears Joe Mosk is actually showing up to games. If the defense can put it together and Jacob gets hot going into the playoffs, watch out.
Fusco Milk Ranking: Sour Cream
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Impressive win against meat, but I need to see more before I can give a vote of confidence.”
“Despite their record, this team is tough to play against.”
“Was reading their roster and said “David Abada” out loud and my couch started floating.”
8) The MilkMob
Average Rank: 7.75
Previous Rank: 7 (down 1)
Highest Rank: 4
Lowest Rank: 9
Standard Deviation: 1.83
Comments: As expected, it’s been another electric start to the season for the MilkMob with insane pregame and midgame speeches by Joe, insane celebrations involving in-game milking of each other on the rink and a whole lot of cowbell. Unfortunately, that hasn’t impressed rankers enough to move them up the list but an impressive 7-2 Friday night win over Cup Size showed people what they can do when motivated by Joe giving it to them from the penalty box and a 4-3 shootout victory over the Stallions took a lot of guts to pull off. Their game against green tomorrow night is one of my personal most anticipated games of the spring as it will tell us a lot about where both teams stand heading into the midway point of the season.
Fusco Milk Ranking: Udderly Ridiculous
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“The good news here is they looked like a completely different team with APK in the lineup than what they had shown previously, but the bad news is that their regular season is half over, and they only have 2 wins across those 5 games. With the right attendance and matchups, they can prove to be a hard out for anyone in the playoffs, but they’re going to have a long road to try to win a cup.”
“Leadership might need to do more to get their team focused on the cow during games. Was that APK on a laptop on the bench doing work in between shifts?”
“Vibes are elite we knew that, but they’re watching Yehuda run around in circles playing duck duck goose and just yeeting the ball into the boards. There are a few bright spots on this roster but they’re fun, they are americas team, but they ain’t winning shit.”
9) Pizza Rats
Average Rank: 8.00
Previous Rank: 10 (up 1)
Highest Rank: 7
Lowest Rank: 9
Standard Deviation: 0.76
Comments: I was shocked to see teal so low in the first edition of these ranks and their three total goals allowed in two games has to be a record for any team that’s ever been slotted so low. Unfortunately, that low three goals allowed figure also comes with an even lower zero goals scored thus far figure that’s left them at 0-2 and likely wondering who they have to fuck to just get one on the board. I do expect a celly for the ages once that first goal goes in, particularly if it’s buried by Hicks, but they’re going to need stronger contributions up-and-down the lineup and for Amit’s tendinitis to hold up long enough to give this team some modicum of depth, especially with four games this week, all against teams ranked in the top six.
Fusco Milk Ranking: Almond Milk w/ Whey Protein
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“I think this team is better than where I am ranking them. I had doubts about their defensive structure, but putting the ladies, the only ones who know how to play a 2-way game on this roster, as the centers was a stroke of genius. Slow start, but I see this lineup hitting its stride by mid-season.”
“This team might be better than they’ve shown so far, but facing elite goalies, they find themselves having not scored a single goal through 2 weeks. They need the Hicks + Satok chemistry to develop quickly, but the good news is the defense is holding up better than predicted, only giving up 2 goals so far on the season.”
“I just have no clue what’s going on here. Have they actually not scored a goal and yet only given up 3 goal? Jeff is a rockstar shout out to him. Hicks I’m sending out the amber alerts to find you buddy can you make a deposit.”
“Was Hicks awake when he drafted this team?”
10) My Cup Size Is Stanley
Average Rank: 9.88
Previous Rank: 8 (down 2)
Highest Rank: 9
Lowest Rank: 10
Standard Deviation: 0.35
Comments: This team was one vote short of a unanimous last place ranking and to be honest I’m not sure how they escaped that ignominious distinction. To be fair, two of their losses were against the top two teams but when you start your season off giving up 20 goals in 3 games, I’m not sure how you can spin that. This team badly needs a shake up and a possible change in tactics and while I’d normally make reference here to the neutral zone trap of the late 90s/early 2000s, a bunch of their players weren’t even born when any of that happened and I don’t know if it’s widely discussed on TikTok. As pundits debate whether the Rangers going from President’s Trophy to out of the playoffs or black going from finals appearance to losing every game by 3-5 goals is a bigger fall from grace, all I know is that Mikey is getting it on both fronts and probably wishes he did move to Florida in the offseason as originally intended. Unless there’s some kind of miracle turnaround in the works that would almost definitely have to include bribery, PEDs and possibly some kind of dark magic, it’s looking like another lost season in boobland.
Fusco Milk Ranking: 2% Milk
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“I sat at brunch, sober, for two hours before the season listening to Jenn talk about how good her team was going to be. I can now point to a time when Jennifer Popack was very, very wrong.”
“This team should be disbanded. Jenn was so confident her draft strategy was perfect and I’m questioning their winning spirit (IYKYK). Calls to sell the team are imminent but she’s probably going to have to pay someone to take this shit show franchise. Apologies to their roster but they are being held hostage this season.“
“D6 Hockey.”