1) Untitled Blue Team
Average Rank: 1.88
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 4
Standard Deviation: 1.13
1st Place Votes: 4 of 8
Comments: For the 5th straight season that we’ve done preseason ranks, blue gets the top post-draft spot. This of course begins to beg the question as to whether people really love this roster or if they’re just going by pedigree. The answer should be a bit of both as elite scoring, elite defense and the ability to use any goalie in the league will keep this team in the hunt for the cup as long as no one gets arrested at team dinner. This time, I’m bringing boxing gloves for the afterparty (iykyk).
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Love the combo of Len and Dello – two grind it out guys who will hustle to any ball and also provide impeccable vibes. Chad’s pretty decent at hockey too. The big question marks are going to be with their newbs. Are they any good and able to provide depth? If they are, this team sits firmly in the top of the pack, if not this ranking is way too high unless Frey finds a reason to suspend the bad players and/or bench them all.”
“Hard to not put the reigning champions high on the list, so I’m doing it.”
“Unc really didn’t draft Auntie… he’ll be sleeping on the couch alone (with his Ninja Creami) the rest of the season.”
2) Fertilizin’ Eggs
Average Rank: 3.88
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 9
Standard Deviation: 2.42
1st Place Votes: 1 of 8
Comments: Just like last season, blue + whatever color these guys choose get ranked 1-2. Of course, just like the past several seasons, both teams made the final four despite both being low seeds, a resounding win for pedigree over regular season record. Yellow sold the farm for the most top-heavy draft strategy in league history but when push comes to shove, it’s tough to pick against a team that will be rolling out one of the best forwards, two of the best dmen and one of the best goalies in the league come playoff time.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Ya know, this ranking might be too high, but it’s tough to pick against a team with Ryan, Pete, Tommy, EggHead, Sonj and Dana. Plus Nicki just came off her best D5 season ever. The concerns here are about depth, but I also am not particularly concerned that yellow’s leadership won’t bench their players to steal all the ice time when they feel like the game is on the line. The real question is whether their top line can score enough to make up for the lack of depth…which honestly may not even matter because they have Sonj in net. They literally sold everything to get her, so they better hope Sonj is typical Sonj and can bail them out when their top players are taking a breather.”
“A team that lacks identity and talent. Going to be a tough year for the boys in Yellow.”
“Omelette you finish, but Yellow had one of the best drafts of all time.”
3) The Pie Pie Strikes Back
Average Rank: 4.25
Highest Rank: 2
Lowest Rank: 6
Standard Deviation: 1.91
Comments: After a run to the cup in what was supposed to be a one season special, Pie Pie is surprisingly back for a sequel. Although those rarely go as well as the originals (and it’d be tough to top last season’s squad), this team is built for success with high end scoring, Danilo anchoring the D and Jeff Green in net along with his esteemed backup Ryan. The biggest question mark of course is whether 3rd round Ken, a coinflip for the playoffs, can find a way to make it. If he does, this team has the talent to hang with anyone.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Ranked at 3, but for the record, this ranking assumes that Pie Pie’s ashes don’t accidentally get smoked, and Ken and Jeff both will be there for the playoffs….otherwise…their season may sadly die like Pie Pie.”
“Gelman and James just feel like a vibes-match made in heaven.”
“Confidence is low after reading James’ “I made out with a girl at Gem Saloon” essay in the $40 charity contest.”
4) Purple Nurple
Average Rank: 4.75
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 9
Standard Deviation: 3.15
1st Place Votes: 2 of 8
Comments: This might be the first team in league history to pick 1st and 2nd overall in the draft, selecting Jo Robin and Caleb respectively. There was a season where Probert sold the farm to pick Sam #1 overall but Probie himself was technically slotted and slotted at 7th overall at that. In any case, purple will look to ride two first rounders and a strong core of mid-round captains to improve on last season’s 3rd place regular season finish and shock playoff ouster.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Truly an amazing draft from Mr. Millstein. You are as wise as you are hairy!”
“There’s some really good picks on the squad and a decent number of questionable ones. I want to believe that Milstein knows what he’s doing as a captain, but this team doesn’t really seem built as well rounded and with as much depth as his team last season.”
“Last season’s strategy: get the playoff scoring leader suspended minutes before they’d have to face off against him, then put a bounty out on the opposing captain’s head. That didn’t work, but I’m excited to see what they come up with this season!“
5) The Mighty Ducks
Average Rank: 5.00
Highest Rank: 3
Lowest Rank: 8
Standard Deviation: 1.69
Comments: The Ducks are slotted by every ranker to be at least decent, but no one has them in their top two. It’s a pretty fair ranking for a solidly built squad with Simon anchoring the D and Reape/Satok leading the offense, but one which also made some truly bizarre picks in the draft. That said, all any ranker wanted to talk about was how loud their bench was likely to be and it’s tough to blame them. We may be in historic territory here.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“The combination of Simon, Amanda, Herman and Russ on a bench together is mildly frightening to me and likely why I dropped them to 8 in my rankings. Will they murder each other? It seems distinctly possible. Will Sarah be able to keep them apart and alive? God bless her soul.”
“There is talent on this team, and some unbelievable leadership at the top. I expect this team to finish in the top 4, but the only question is, how long can they handle Herman’s bitching and moaning?”
“Simon, Fazio, Herman is like the LeBron, DWade, Bosh of complaining.”
6) The MilkMob
Average Rank: 6.50
Highest Rank: 2
Lowest Rank: 10
Standard Deviation: 2.62
Comments: After much offseason negotiation, first to take a season off, then to merge with red, the MilkMob are back and they have merged with the Hicks/KG led Pizza Rats. KG and Jordan will be co-CEOs while the Milkman and Hicks drink long islands at Niagara til 3 AM on a Wednesday night and Hicks throws up all over the bar. This is easily their most sound draft of all time as they eschewed their normal strategy of picking Milk mainstays no matter the cost and went for value and the team looks primed for what might be their strongest season yet. If the championship gets pushed back and Fusco is able to make it, watch out.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“With the front office additions of KG and Hicks there’s slightly more maturity, and a whole lot less backchecking. Nick is a great forward and as someone who has partied with not only Tom White but his wife, I can guarantee you, that’s a couple you want to be friends with (if you have health insurance). Regular season powershouse, but potentially going to have a really tough time in the playoffs while Joe is off doing blow and fucking bitches while abandoning his team.”
“Putting them here simply so I don’t have to deal with drunk “bumps” from Hicks when they go 6-4.“
7) My Cup Size Is Stanley
Average Rank: 6.75
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 11
Standard Deviation: 3.58
1st Place Votes: 1 of 8
Comments: Opinions are all over the map for Cup Size as they boast the largest standard deviation in the ranks, being the only team to attain both a 1st and a last place vote. To be fair though, that 1st place vote did come from Jenn. Still, there’s much to like on this roster starting with Lucas/Hogg (when he can make games) leading the offense and Hilary anchoring the D. The lack of a true #1 dman might haunt this team though and I still can’t believe Cardello was willing to take even money that Jenn would take Bramson with her 3rd round pick specifically and won $20 off me. Truly one of the crazier bets I’ve ever lost, and that’s really saying something. Their season is likely to live and die with Hogg’s attendance and the performance of the rookie Swedish goalie.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“2nd year in a row that Jenn has drafted the worst team in D5 history, but MilkMob will not be there to save her season this time around. DRo and Jenn working the points on the powerplay is all you need to know for how poorly constructed this team is. In addition, the thought of the potential pillowtalk between Jenn and Bramson will keep me up at night.”
“One Jenn-Bramson conversation might last longer than their entire season.”
8) Slime Time Live
Average Rank: 7.13
Highest Rank: 4
Lowest Rank: 10
Standard Deviation: 2.42
Comments: Gotta admit, I’m surprised by this ranking as I think this green team is extremely solid top to bottom. Rankers seem to disagree and have them 8th out of 11 which is a play-in team. They won’t overpower anyone but they’ve got talent at all positions, a potential sleeper rookie in Shaun and the disrespect towards reigning playoff MVP Max is frankly kind of insane. I’ll be surprised if they actually end up finishing this low.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“There’s decent speed, D, bench puking, and vibes on this squad. Will Mel try to stage a coup? Probably not. This team maybe should be ranked higher, but I’m too lazy to redo my order.”
“I have nothing funny or mean to say about this team. I like them I think they’ll do well.”
“This team is as old as sin, and it will show on the court.“
9) Reds N’ Roses
Average Rank: 8.38
Highest Rank: 2
Lowest Rank: 11
Standard Deviation: 3.25
Comments: It was inevitable that this team would take a bit of a step back after moving Campbell from the net, where he put up a historic season with 4 shutouts and 8 wins in 8 games, back to center. To be fair though, he is one hell of a center. Nate will look to follow up a surprising first campaign at forward where he finished 2nd in the league in scoring and they got the top rookie from the preseason scrim, Craig, although they used a 2nd round pick to get him. This is a team that is generally built on speed, depth and goaltending; between that and general experience managing the ups-and-downs of a D5 season, they could easily end up back in the final four for the 3rd time in 4 seasons.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Their first line is very impressive but it really doesn’t seem like they have any depth. Layer in the fact that Nate will likely miss at least 1/3rd of every game, and the lack of depth really becomes a problem.”
“Nate’s tardiness costing his team a shot at the cup looked to be the straw that broke the camel’s back, but surprisingly, the boys are back. Campbell playing out is a killer for the team’s chances, and there is a serious lack of talent in the female department. It’s unfortunate that KG left them last minute for MilkMob. Team Name Suggestion- Red Against the Machine”
“Julie will seize power in what will likely be the bloodiest coup in D5 history.”
“Likely top 4 finish, guaranteed semifinal loss. This is the Carolina Hurricanes of D5.”
T10) Silver Stallions
Average Rank: 8.75
Highest Rank: 7
Lowest Rank: 11
Standard Deviation: 1.39
Comments: A surprisingly low ranking for the Stallions who I thought had a strong draft with no bad picks to speak of. I have to think some of it is residual bias from last season where they finished in last place, but this is a new team with an all-new roster. The defense is a bit of a question mark which is why they traded for Sanchick right after the draft but with a strong group of players, pretty much all Jewish, I think this team will easily improve on last season’s painful finish.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“I’d like to think Jacob and Reid learned a thing or two after their rookie captain season. Namely, you need a bench captain and his name isn’t Adam Herman.”
“The curse of Aryeh Minsky will live on.“
“Jacob drafting all the Jews as if he’s preparing to commit tax fraud.”
T10) Mean Girls
Average Rank: 8.75
Highest Rank: 5
Lowest Rank: 11
Standard Deviation: 2.66
Comments: I was 95% sure this was going to be a 10 team season until literally 21 people registered the day before the draft and several more came in on draft day. Enter Yehuda, who had long threatened discussed coming back as captain flanked by some ladies. Somehow he convinced Rens teammates Emma and Brooke to join him and, after getting turned down for Sophia to join as well, he promptly traded away his 2nd rounder for a 5th, 6th and 7th and used the 6th on her anyways. Thus we have a team without much elite talent at the top but with a ton of mid-round depth. I’m not sure if they can win a cup this way, but they’re unlikely to be quite as bad as this ranking from the crowd is expecting. For his part, Yehuda is openly soliciting takers on a bet for this team to finish 6th overall or above in the regular season standings. Hit him up if you want in on the action.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Behuda surprised me with his first draft. Was cool, calm, collected (opposite of what was expected) and made some really good picks. With that said, I cannot rank his team that high because, it’s Yehuda.”
“The only “Mean Girls” on this team is Emma after Yehuda takes a 5 minute shift where he shoots 17 times and backchecks 0.“
