District Five Championship
Sex Ed, Hockey at Glatt’s or The Phantom Pie Pie (-135)
Field (-110)
Team To Make Final Four
Hockey at Glatt’s (-300)
Glazin’ Donuts (-250)
The Phantom Pie Pie (-250)
Street Meat (+150)
Chappell Red (+150)
The UMass Football Team (+270)
Pinky Toe (+320)
Merry Pranksters (+320)
The MilkMob (+470)
Bruise Control (+470)
Baja Blast (+650)
Comments: Some major shakeups just 9 days since the season started…Glatt’s and Pie Pie both rocket up the list with 3-0 records, one an offensive powerhouse and the other a defensive machine. But of note is that Glatt’s much maligned defense has thus far held up, only allowing 9 goals in 3 games. It’s nothing to write home about unless your mom is easily impressed (hold the yo mama jokes til the end please), but it’s good honest work led by Zuck, Sanchick and ROY hopeful and hopeful gambler Tony. Orange is putting 3 of their top 4 picks on defense and have been rewarded with only 3 goals allowed in 3 games, led by Will’s resurgence after a summer 2024 rookie season where he battled injury and made Mel even more frustrated with her team than was the standard baseline. Also helping orange is the fact that James’ coworker, who no one knew but James insisted on drafting in round 7, is actually a legit player. The scouting report I had on him predraft was that he played 3 games in college but then his team got kicked out of the league for hazing which is honestly just the type of player we’re looking for. There’s still a big jumble of teams in the middle that have either had attendance problems or just haven’t had much of a shot to show what they’re made of yet. I’m solidly moving the Pranksters out of the bottom range and into that muddled middle after a really solid opening night where they defied the low power ranking people gave them by beating purple and leading Glatt’s for much of the game, showing that they can hang with anyone and the reboot is real. I also have to reconsider my earlier opinion of green after they showed great fight on Tuesday and perhaps wouldn’t fully count them out after they played a great game in only losing to blue by one but there are two major problems: 1) lots of shooters, not enough passers on the roster and 2) an 0-3 hole with a tough goal differential from the Street Meat game means they’re likely to fall into the play-in, necessitating 4 and possibly 5 wins just to reach the final four. Purple is going to need Kittredge and Bramson to continue putting the offense on their backs and Carl to be a stalwart in net to get out of play-in danger although to be fair, that’s kind of what’s been happening so far. And while I am and always will be a friend o’ Mob, the fact that Hicks and Caleb are never available on Fridays certainly does not bode well for their standings position, particularly with a doubleheader incoming tomorrow and one of those games against Pie Pie. That late Friday game against Baja is looking like the first major standings implication game of the season; when the brackets start getting cooked up in a month and we’re looking at play-in positioning, we’ll look back on this random Friday night game. Bet that.
Which Team Will Finish Higher In The Standings?
Pinky Toe (-110)
The UMass Football Team (-130)
Comments: From what I saw from pink in their opener, I can no longer put them head-to-head against Glazin’ Donuts. UMass, meanwhile, is 0-2 themselves but it’s a somewhat deceptive 0-2, the Minutemen being a top-heavy team to start that played their first two games without Jo Robin and Hilary. Their major problem, as expected, is that while they were capably drafted and GMed by league legend Jack McGinty, they are not getting the benefit of his legendary leadership on the bench. Will he record some videos from afar like he did for blue last year? If so, this line is going to change dramatically. Get in while you can and before Joe and Jo play a game together and combine for 8 points.
Which Team Will Finish Higher In The Standings?
The Phantom Pie Pie (-135)
Glazin’ Donuts (-105)
Comments: Pie Pie won their showdown Tuesday 4-1 although the game grades out as totally even; their first two goals were empty netters as silver had no goalie and their fourth goal was also an empty netter. I still have these teams ranked fairly similarly but orange gets the better odds here since they now have a three point standings edge.
Which Team Will Finish Higher In The Standings?
Hockey at Glatt’s (-120)
Sex Ed (-120)
Comments: This one’s likely to come down to the final game of the season, might decide who gets a bye direct to the final four and pits top heavy scoring against overall depth. Going to be a barnburner.
Which Team Will Win The Three Game Series?
The MilkMob (+175)
Chappell Red (-255)
COMMENTS: Just like any great rivalry, no matter what’s going on the rest of their seasons you can bet these games will be absolute wars. Unfortunately this season I fear that red may have the heavier artillery. The major x factor, of course, is when exactly Sonj gets off the IR. If she can make a Steph Curry-like return in time for game one of this series, all bets are off. Well, not literally. I’ll still honor your bets. But the expression stands.
District Five Scoring Title
Anyone on LBS (-200)
Anyone on Rens (+175)
Field (+325)
Note: Playing status refers to current team as per this seasons D5 registration. Market cannot be rigged by in-season poaching.
COMMENTS: This is going to be a fascinating one to watch as the Rens odds drop a bit from opening for two reasons: Glatt’s is scoring at a wild pace as expected and silver’s team scoring outside of Ryan hasn’t been great, meaning he really has to make everything happen himself. He has factored in on 5 of their 6 goals which, for the mathematically challenged, is an astounding 83%. Even Everett & Glattman, with 9 points each, are only each factoring in on 50% of their team’s scoring. On one hand, Ryan’s really really good. On the other hand, 83% is in no way sustainable over a full season. Craig is also scoring a ton to open the season and even if two of his goals are empty netters, they still count the same. You also get side exposure to elite players like Reape, Emma & APK and a possible miracle Yehuda run if he starts taking steroids but really its Ryan/Craig vs the Glatt’s guys and Chad who could’ve had four on Tuesday but somehow ended up with zero. Field does have some sneaky value with exposure to Gelman (four points on opening night), Ian (six goals in his lone game) and a host of league legends but I’m not brave enough to bet that one.
District Five Scoring Title
Jew (-235)
Goy (+150)
Note: League Sportsbook Manager has final say over who is considered Jewish and his word supercedes any photos of bar mitzvahs or circumcisions that may arise.
COMMENTS: Somehow I just realized that this line is really not that different from a LBS vs field line except that we also get exposure to guys like Gelman. Shalom indeed.
Scoring Champion Total Points
Over 28.5 (-110)
Under 28.5 (-130)
COMMENTS: With league scoring showing no signs of slowing down I have no choice but to bump this line dramatically. Sportsbook models had bet on regression this season but it doesn’t really seem to be happening yet.
Rookie Of The Year (all bets action)
Brooke Gary (-225)
Antonio (+250)
Any Of The Shah Bros (+400)
Donny Fuchs (+420)
Field (+420)
COMMENTS: Tony has become the latest in a long line of league degenerates and sportsbook VIPs to absolutely hammer his own betting line but might also be the latest in a long line to donate to the cause as Brooke is borderline running away with this one. Even if he passes her in points, if she wins the ladies’ scoring title as a rookie, she’s a shoo-in for this award. No word yet on if he’s started begging Zuck to be moved up to forward and on a line with Everett and Glattman. 2nd round surprise Donny missing his first two games really puts him in a tough spot to win this award, as do green’s scoring woes. The real surprise here and really the people’s champ is the Shah Bros. No one knew what to make of three new players entering the league, all seemingly unrelated but all with the last name Shah, but incredibly the final one picked, Maulik, is leading blue in scoring two games into the season. There’s still a lot of hockey left to play but with three points in two games he has to be considered a serious threat to steal this award down the stretch.
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Everett (-120)
Glattman (-120)
COMMENTS: Of all the betting lines in this article, this is probably the toughest one to pick.
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Cherie (-120)
Mel (-120)
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Hanna (-130)
Taylor (-110)
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Tommy (-120)
Cardello (-120)
Lower GAA (Regular Season Only; Must Start At Least Five Games)
Jeff Green (-145)
Will (EVEN)
COMMENTS: Will had the lead right now but Jeff gets the slight edge here due to a massive sample size of excellence. That said, the orange defense is no joke and Will looks fully recovered from the injuries he was battling in 2024 and lives much closer to the rink now which is big for his attendance. It’s very early in the season but this is your likely goalie of the year race right here.
Lower GAA (Regular Season Only; Must Start At Least Five Games)
Zisser (-120)
Sophia (-120)
COMMENTS: Two small-ish goalies who had tough first games but are solid bets to rebound and have what I think are similar strength teams around them. An absolute dead heat for me.
Lower GAA (Regular Season Only; Must Start At Least Five Games)
Travis (+135)
Cam (-200)
COMMENTS: Cam’s looked great so far for Glatt’s but Travis also looked amazing in his one game, a sub appearance for orange where he stopped multiple breakaways and had a shutout going until late in the 3rd period. Both have loaded rosters in front of them, but also ones who care way more about putting the ball in the net than preventing it from going into their own.
What # Will Be Greater?
Source + Russo Points (-110)
Hicks Points (-130)
COMMENTS: Somehow the score of this one remains 0-0. But even with Hicks missing MilkMob’s doubleheader tomorrow, I’m still giving him the slightest of edges.
What # Will Be Greater?
Emma + Annabel Points (-145)
Both Yehudas Combined Points (EVEN)
COMMENTS: Annabel is outscoring both Yehudas by herself right now and also leads them 1-0 in the category of brutal falls where your face also hits some guys elbow straight on. Absolutely hate to see it although it was kind of funny when it happened. You may think that’s callous of me but I also spent half an hour producing this video of Kelsey dropping her stick then somehow stepping directly on it, tripping herself in a most creative manner. Annabel’s video is coming soon.
How Many Games Will Go To OT? (Regular Season Only)
Over 7.5 (-110)
Under 7.5 (130)
Grand Salami (Total Goals For The Season; Regular Season Only)
Over 427.5 (-120)
Under 427.5 (-120)
COMMENTS: I wrote in the opening lines that “last season’s total was 474 which equates to an average of 7.9 goals per game. That is honestly insane and represented an all-time high, even counting the seasons when we had 15 minute periods. The previous season the average goals per game was 6.98. The previous season it was 6.4. This rise in scoring is close to inexplicable but I’m betting on some regression here, although I’m still expecting to hit the 7 goals per game mark because the league seems to have adopted the Hicks model of defense.” Well, 12 games into the season we’re averaging 7.08 goals per game and it looks like this projection was spot on. In fact, the original 427.5 goals over a 60 total game regular season equates to 7.125 goals per game which is right in line with what we’re currently seeing. Whether it will hold for the rest of the season remains to be seen. Place your bets folks.
When Will The Championship Be Played?
June 2 (+110)
June 9 (-160)
Any Other Date (+275)
COMMENTS: Line is moving slightly towards the later date due to 1.5 rained out games and one voluntary cancel. As I wrote initially, I will try whatever I can to keep the championship at the originally scheduled June 2 date but we’re trending in the wrong direction here. Any other date really only wins if it gets moved back AND it rains fairly heavily on June 9. This bet is really for the sickest of the sick only. But if you made it this far in this article, that might well be you.
