1) The Blue Streakers
Average Rank: 2.00
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 6
Standard Deviation: 1.56
1st Place Votes: 5 of 10
Comments: For the 4th straight season that we’ve done preseason ranks (didn’t do em in Fall 2024), blue gets the top post-draft spot. Three of those seasons yielded two championships but of course the major difference this season is that they’ll have to do it without Sam who much like LeBron before him has taken his talents to South Beach. That said, they’ve replaced him with two other league icons playing their final seasons as Jack and Annie embark on what should be a farewell tour for the ages. This team was mostly drafted with a rowdy team dinner in mind but if everyone plays up to their potential, there may be a championship dinner in late May as well.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“A season lacking in top end talent and they have Jack Chad and Frey, congratulations Frey for drafting the two best teams in the league on paper.“
“They cheat every year, deals under the table. I stand by the fact that their acronym should be RIGD. Frey needs to name his team Raging Icemen Giving Dome or Rimmed, Inserted, Greasy & Dripping or Riding It, Groaning Deep so this acronym works. Either way, there’s no way I don’t put him and his rigging ass first. Can’t wait to watch Frey run like he’s trying to escape quicksand and somehow end up +4 on the night, and Unc to make the ball look like it weighs 50 pounds coming off his stick and somehow nab a hatty. I hate this team, I say it every year. Free money on Blue to advance to championship Tuesday.“
I don’t even like this lineup but inertia just makes this team win until proven otherwise
“They’re having a team dinner at Patrizia’s. That alone should guarantee a Final Four appearance.”
2) Beatin’ Meat
Average Rank: 3.20
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 9
Standard Deviation: 2.20
1st Place Votes: 1 of 10
Comments: It’s tough to tell if rankers are really this high on blue and maroon based on in-depth lineup analysis or if the two franchises occupy the top two preseason spots by default based on track record and reputation. Whatever the case may be, expect more of what you’re used to from this team: tons of goals, just enough defense and a likely trip to the final four (depending on Nick’s attendance).
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Nick is a top 4 forward in this draft and the fact he fell to the 2nd round is criminal. Ryan and Nick will feast on the competition this season. Tommy’s been out climbing Table Mountain getting that altitude training in and will be primed for a stellar season post-nuptials. With Hoffman and Ellie on the roster as well, this might be the most lethal and yet most-rounded roster in the league.”
“They have very strong players, but will they add up to more than the collection of their parts, and is Corey healthy enough to lead this squad to glory are the major questions.”
“These guys will block shots like a screen door blocks wind. Over in every single game.”
“As I mentioned, I had the privilege of sitting in on the draft Zoom, and I’m pretty sure these guys were paying zero attention. Ryan tried to draft Ariel three separate times after Round 7. I admire the persistence, but this was next-level.“
3) Team Pie Pie
Average Rank: 4.00
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 8
Standard Deviation: 2.58
1st Place Votes: 2 of 10
Comments: Orange opens the season with the 3rd highest average ranking, but also the 3rd highest standard deviation as opinions are all over the map. Backers point to unmatched depth, a potential sleeper rookie goalie and the inspiration that they will draw from being named after the ridiculously named cat Pie Pie. Skeptics point to that same goalie’s zero career games played of ball hockey as a whole (not just D5) and a first year captain/leadership group. Ultimately it does seem that attendance and the goalie will determine whether this team ends up being the cat’s meow or a stinky poop in the litterbox.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“A top line of Jo James Steph Simon and Danilo will dominate, and excellent Jew value in the later rounds will make this team really difficult to beat, especially if their goalie is as good as people say she is.”
“Pie Pie nailed the draft, setting themselves up for success. Every championship team needs a compelling storyline—something to rally around. This squad has theirs: they’re doing it all for Pie Pie.”
“Extremely solid top to bottom. Pie pie inspiration story is one of my favorite narratives maybe ever. However, who’s leading this team? How is Frey going to sabotage them? Is James going to say 5 words all season? Who the hell knows but they’ll be good and honestly fun at the very least.”
“The captains screwed up not taking Sophia sooner. I play ice hockey with her and I will tell you she’s the real deal. This will be her very first season playing ball hockey, but if she can adjust quickly then her being picked in the 12th round will be the steal of the draft. That shouldn’t overshadow the fact that this team also was able to somehow get Jo Robin at 4th overall. Weird draft, indeed. Not bad for the deceased-cat’s first season. Side note: What did James do during this draft? He and I had an ice hockey game that night, and I had my laptop in the locker room to draft, while he’s sitting next me getting dressed, asking me who his team’s first pick was.“
4) Talking Reds
Average Rank: 5.60
Highest Rank: 3
Lowest Rank: 10
Standard Deviation: 2.01
Comments: Red completely shook up the draft and the league by putting Campbell in net for his first season between the pipes since the pre-covid era. The presence of possibly the top goalie in league history raises an already high floor for a reliably solid red franchise, but there were certainly some raised eyebrows after some of their picks. They’ll need to overachieve a bit to match the elite form of some past seasons, but the Nate Lerner system has yielded results in the past through a steady diet of yelling and tardiness and it would be foolish to count them out this early or ever.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Campbell in net in itself should make this squad competitive. This was a good draft for Red as it attempted to get a bit faster and a bit more physical after a lackluster fall season. But does it have the offensive punch? Rumors of Nate being moved to forward puts the entire Nate Lerner System at risk. Can the team adapt? The team also took a couple gambles on a former D1 ice hockey player and another guy who played club at St. Lawrence. A lot rides on how they shake out.”
“Campbell back in net, Tarnski returning to full strength and Nate drafted after Yehuda? This is all a recipe for success but ya gotta make a few deposits and I’m not sure who’s doing that.”
“The team is horrible but with Campbell in net anything is possible.“
5) Mace Windu
Average Rank: 5.70
Highest Rank: 2
Lowest Rank: 9
Standard Deviation: 2.31
Comments: A very solid all-around inaugural draft from Milstein and Fitz as they used their first two picks (after Fitz, of course) on a top goalie and a veteran franchise defenseman. And when I say veteran I mean veteran as Ariel’s beautiful bald head and elegant greying beard are indicative of a player who’s been through and seen it all in this league. With a steady supporting cast that includes such D5 mainstays as Reape, Merone, Rys and Fullam along with Mel and Fazio competing for oxygen on what should be one of the loudest non-MilkMob benches in history, this should be a reliably steady squad with the potential to overachieve.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Milstein has serious business potential, and it’ll be interesting to see how the team responds to his leadership. Purple is a storied franchise, never to be counted out of a miracle playoff run. Fingers crossed we’re on the opposite side of the bracket.”
“Will play good smart hockey but lacks the x factor to win too much.”
“Yehuda thinks this is a mid squad…if that’s not a championship endorsement I don’t know what is.”
“My gear after a BTSH game smells better than this team. Mel’s plus/minus will be a crime against hockey but likely more impressive than Tiger’s 1997 Masters dominance (look it up idiot.) I just question if Ms. Power Trip herself will allow for someone else to take the reigns or will all 4’3″ (or whatever, point made) of cat-loving fury absolutely destroy the chemistry in the locker room? They’re the D5 equivalent of a bag skate. Actually Frey, can I get a line on a purple player to demand a trade midseason?“
6) The Grassholes
Average Rank: 5.70
Highest Rank: 2
Lowest Rank: 10
Standard Deviation: 2.36
Comments: It’s tough to count any team out that drafts Andrew, who not only has the most championships in league history, but has won in every season he’s been here. The man has literally never lost a D5 playoff game in his life. #2 overall felt like a surprise to most and a stretch to some and the rankings/comments certainly reflect that, but how can you argue against a guy where drafting him has equated to an automatic cup for five straight seasons? Add in the fact that green are the defending champs, Zisser is always a threat to shut it down in the playoffs and Stern is playing in his final D5 season ever and I think this team could surprise. Of course, the real surprise would be Andrew losing a playoff game so I guess we’ll be surprised either way. The only thing that won’t be a surprise is when Mo scores a goal, screams and runs to the stands to immediately punish a beer. No one should be surprised by that in the slightest.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“An elite-level beer-drinking squad. I fully expect to be throwing back a ton of beers with his group in the stands—maybe even a liquor night. Count me in.”
“Pains me to rank the legend that is Andrew this low but they’ll be decent. Sadly the 6 peat ends this season and finishing in 6th is perfect to end the reign of the GOAT.”
“It’s time that Andrew had a major regression. He already has 5 cups and is now a 2nd overall pick. This feels like the Linsanity saga. At some point it has to end and I think all the success has given him a big head at this point. I might be stepping on some eggs here but I think this is the season we see some of the ice in his veins melt. Hot take of the pre-rankings, I know.“
7) The MilkMob
Average Rank: 5.70
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 10
Standard Deviation: 3.26
1st Place Votes: 1 of 10
Comments: Look, it’s almost impossible to discuss this squad rationally. They show up to the draft zoom already boozing, make some picks that completely shock the world, trade players they selected in round 8 for players selected in round 11 so they can reunite the band from last season…for most captains, this would be a death knell, a one way ticket to a surefire last place finish. And yet, if you watched any MilkMob games last season you would know that this team is close to a lock to be greater than the sum of their parts due to unmatched vibes, unmatched buy-in and unmatched cowbell. Rankers clearly have no idea what to do with this squad as they boast the highest standard deviation possibly of all time with some ranking them #1 and some ranking them dead last. I have no idea which one will be correct but I am super excited to find out. That said, Yehuda in round 5 might be a war crime on par with human trafficking.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Many geniuses are criticized in their time for going against the grain for what they believe in. Van Gogh was called crazy and untalented. Many said the same about Fusco when he took a risk and snatched Yehuda in the 5th round, but I believe D5 draft analysts for years to come will look back on that decision with reverence. It takes a smart man to succeed, it takes a savant to innovate.”
“Can you make some lines re: Yehuda points this season? I want to buy some put spreads on that, or is that too mean?“
“I had the privilege of dialing into the draft Zoom, and this leadership group stood out as the most professional and organized. They weren’t just looking for the best players—they were looking for the right players. The result? A team that looks fully bought into their system. With two masterminds at the helm, the sky’s the limit.”
“These guys had to be higher than a giraffe pussy to justify Badhuda (who I’m still not convinced can stick handle in a freaking phone booth) at 40-whatever overall, but I guess speed kills (that’s if Mr. Stone-Hands-Marshmallow-Shot doesn’t turn the ball over in his own zone after circling for 32 seconds straight). Outside of the guy who gets more cardio than points… UNIT of a team. I can’t not bet against Sonj and the absolute vibes this team has. You can quantify talent, can’t quantify culture, and they found/drafted/got it. Someone get Joe Schoen on the phone, the Mob might be able to instill a winner in East Rutherford…“
T8) Silver Stallions
Average Rank: 7.20
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 10
Standard Deviation: 3.16
1st Place Votes: 1 of 10
Comments: While the MilkMob may have boasted one of the highest standard deviations in rankings history, the Silver Stallions were not far behind as they too got ranked both first and last. I personally really enjoyed their draft as both Pereira and Ken were spirited early round picks and some of the rookies they picked up have some serious potential. Add in two hookers legends (that doesn’t mean what you think it does) in Pigozzi and Sam Marton and this team has some strong sleeper potential.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Absolute wagon. Ken is underrated in the second round. If this guy kumpfmiller is legit watch out.”
“Their team logo might be the only thing intimidating about them and that might be generous. Can’t fault the first time captains, there’s growing pains, but damn. Just, damn.”
“Are Jacob and Reid really cousins?“
T8) My Cup Size Is Stanley
Average Rank: 7.20
Highest Rank: 4
Lowest Rank: 10
Standard Deviation: 1.99
Comments: Jenn has long been known as one of the true wildcards in the draft and apparently this time around the card she pulled was a 4. As in, that’s how old one of her players was when Barack Obama was elected president. I would say that’s one of the crazier stats of the draft except that another of her players was 1. Also for some reason they’re both named Luca. I have no idea what to do with any of that info except to tell our league attornies to be on call at all times, and clearly other rankers have no idea wtf is going on either as the only thing anyone seemed to want to talk about in lieu of black’s offensive depth is the potential of legal charges against this team. In any case, coming off the franchise’s first ever finals appearance, they’ll be banking on the youth movement to yield results on the court and fake IDs to yield results at Dorrian’s. I wish them luck on both counts (and on any counts brought against them by the state).
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Doug is underrated. Need some Luca magic but if the goal is minimize holes in the lineup this was accomplished.”
“This is barely a hockey team. It’s just Jenn drafting people she likes to party with and sprinkling in a few underaged prospects. Absolutely wild, but totally on-brand. I’ll be watching this team closely at Dorrian’s.”
“Can’t wait for Chris Hansen to show up at the rink and ask Jenn to have a seat on a park bench. While Jenn deals with that and funnels the increase in fees to finding a lawyer to fight off Skeet Hansen, Jideon, and the gang, I “trust” Hil and Mikey to run a “tight” ship (aka meticulously collecting signed parent permission slips to play that night). This situation begs the questions: are these guys old enough to drink the gatorade they brought? Did they finish their homework before they came? Do they have to call their captains “Mr. Mikey” and “Ms. Hilary”?”
“Jenn should change her team name to the Epstein Islanders.“
10) Pizza Rats
Average Rank: 7.30
Highest Rank: 4
Lowest Rank: 9
Standard Deviation: 2.00
Comments: A surprisingly low ranking for what I thought was a pretty reasonable all-around draft for Hicks. Why this team chose to be teal when there’s already a blue team and a green team is a great question (probably just to fuck with me tbh) and the second great question is whether anyone on this team is going to backcheck or if we’re running back UPS with a different Green in net and a Ninja Turtles motif. Either way, I’d be shocked if this team finished in last, particularly with the league’s preeminent steroid supplier steering the ship, but I’d also be somewhat surprised to see them lift the cup. Unless that cup is full of tequila and located at Dorrian’s. That one will be lifted early and often by Hicks and Trashkon (if he manages not to get thrown out this time).
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Honestly this team can be higher, but I need to see how the bottom half of their roster plays. We all know Hicks, Satok, KG, and Maddy are a formidable top 4, but will their depth be able to keep up?“
“Is Amit the steal of the draft, or the NY Jets version of Aaron Rodgers this D5 season? My bet is somewhere in between with substantially less ayahuasca and darkness retreats, but with the squad participating in more weed smoking and alcohol induced rage.”
“The Hicks-Satok punch is gonna be fun but holy shit will this team argue calls harder than they backcheck. Poor Jeff is gonna be left out in the open worse than most people at Burning Man circa 2023 and the guy’s gonna look like he couldn’t stop a beach ball with a fishing net. (bet the overs fellas).”
“Hicks has once again forced the commissioners to order a brand-new shirt color for the season. I respect that move a lot.“