#5: Andrew Goes #2 Overall
Andrew is undoubtedly a league legend, the winner of three straight Leetch Awards and the only player to ever win five cups, let alone in his first five seasons. But even with all that in mind, draft analysts and prognosticators were fairly shocked to see him go #2 overall in the draft. Most mocks had him going mid to late 1st depending on when the goalies fell and even that was a bit of a question for some. But Jake wasted no time bringing back the stalwart dman that led him to a cup last season, bypassing lots of extremely talented players and every goalie in the pool to bring him back for the title defense. This puts Andrew in extremely rarified territory; if you don’t count Sam, who was very much a hybrid dman/forward depending on what the situation called for, the last time a pure defenseman went in the 1st round was back in 2019 when Gabe was the #1 overall pick. Ariel going #3 in a couple of those 2019 drafts is the only other real analog. It’s a lot to live up to but with five championships in five years, it’s getting extremely hard to count him out, and the Grassholes have certainly put a lot of faith in the Eggman. And after all that, what we got the next day was either a trade demand or a hostage situation. Life is so unfair.
#4: Jenn Drafts Multiple Players Who Can’t Even Legally Drink Yet
Look, when you’re the proprietor of a league that routinely encourages alcoholism, drug use, premarital sex, gambling and pretty much every vice in the book, there’s not much in terms of potential liability that can shock you. And yet I must admit that even I was a tad bit concerned when Jenn used her 2nd round pick to draft a 23 year old (ok, pretty standard, nothing to see here), then her 3rd rounder on an 18 year old (wait…what’s happening here) and topped it off by using her 8th rounder on a 20 year old current college kid (ok, someone get Zisser on the phone). I’ve been assured that these were all tactical hockey picks. But just in case, I’m renewing my passport and I’ve got my bags packed for the Cayman Islands. Hopefully Jenn does too. Actually, hopefully we can both just stay in NYC, but who the fuck knows.
#3: Trade-Palooza
Trades have long been allowed in this league whether they be pre-draft, post-draft or in-season, but undoubtedly the mid-draft is the most exciting. Perhaps not to the 20 people on the zoom call who have to sit around and wait while two people negotiate a trade that usually falls through, but certainly to them and to me who a) loves chaos and b) often needs a minute to double-check that the board is in order and possibly even go over my own notes when I’m drafting for multiple teams. So imagine the surprise when multiple mid-draft trades were executed and announced this season, even as like 10 others fell through. First we had the Jack #1 pick sign and trade situation which was agreed to earlier but announced by a special FBI guest mid-draft (more on that later). But then there was also the MilkMob making multiple mid-draft trades to acquire players from last season, which their captain described with the religious undertones of an early 20th century Louisiana-area preacher:
“We bring our lambs back when they go astray.”
– The Milkman
Truly breathtaking stuff. And lest we forget blue swapping multiple draft picks for the newest LBS member Lauren and moving up in the final round to select two time blue team champion and dancer extraordinaire Rebekah French for the ever elusive future considerations. The amount of future considerations exchanged in this draft is something I don’t quite understand but seeing as I’m the one who dealt many of them, I guess I’ll learn soon once these people start demanding shit from me. In the meantime though, some truly elite business from the GMs of this league, except for the ones who repeatedly tried to draft players who were selected multiple rounds earlier or didn’t even register this season. We’ve gotta work on that before next season.
#2: Jack Taken 1st, Immediately Traded
The only reason I’m not putting this at #1 is that technically this deal was secured on Monday evening so I was well aware it was going to happen. Yet for the others on the call, many of whom expected Jack to fall a bit due to the uncertainties in his schedule, having the guy who, within ten minutes of this photo had to be carried out and into a taxi by Annie & Caitlin (yes, you read that correctly), be taken #1 overall was shocking enough. But having him immediately traded on top of that…wow.
The D5 Breaking News Desk already covered this story live so I won’t get into it too much but blue for sure gave up a lot in pick swaps for a guy who may or not be around for the playoffs and is a risk to be thrown out of Patrizia’s at any given moment. Whether it pays off or not is yet to be seen but like the Rangers having Gretzky for his farewell tour, the memories will last a lifetime. And the trade was electric and shocked the world. And yet, it was not quite the most shocking moment of the draft as one of the most controversial picks in history almost broke the zoom
#1: Yehuda Goes In Round 5
No one saw this one coming. Literally no one on the planet outside of one draft room somewhere in the Milky Way where the participants had clearly been drinking for several hours (that’s not conjecture; they literally confirmed this on the call). About 25 minutes before the draft kicked off, I myself had a conversation with Mr Cardello about whether we should look into bringing original Yehuda old Yehuda not as good Yehuda this dirtbag back to blue if he was available in round 9. His previous draft positions the past four seasons were all in round 9 or 10 so why would I think anything different would go down here. To be fair, back when he was a captain I slotted him in the round 7 range before he fell due to “character concerns.” But as Campbell was so eager to note during the draft, Yehuda was technically selected one pick ahead of Nate. Part of me wonders if this is the exact reason why the MilkMob did it; psychological warfare is one of the hallmarks of the franchise as everyone will soon find out when they score goals and start milking each other at center ice. But the fact that, by standard depth chart standards, the kid who post shower beer pics on instagram and rocks a mustache that makes me fear for the safety of my bastard children is in line for significant power play time should frighten fans of the MilkMob and fans of power plays alike. Still, there’s nothing America loves more than a comeback story and I will be rooting for him to succeed. Well, maybe.
