Opening lines for the Spring 2025 season…some with special guest commentary from last season’s scoring champ Mr. Ryan Levine. Giddyup.
District Five Championship
The Blue Streakers, Team Pie Pie or Beatin’ Meat (+120)
Pizza Rats, Mace Windu or The Grassholes (+180)
Talking Reds, Cup Size, Silver Stallions or The MilkMob (+280)
Team To Make Final Four
The Grassholes (-250)
Beatin’ Meat (-250)
Pizza Rats (-120)
My Cup Size Is Stanley (-120)
Mace Windu (+120)
The MilkMob (+250)
Which Team Will Finish Higher In The Standings?
Pizza Rats (-120)
My Cup Size Is Stanley (-120)
Which Team Will Finish Higher In The Standings?
Talking Reds (+130)
Beatin’ Meat (-180)
Ryan’s Pick: “All the Reds will be silenced, with the exception of that Arby’s “WE HAVE THE MEATS” guy ”
Which Team Will Finish Higher In The Standings?
Team Pie Pie (-155)
Silver Stallions (+110)
District Five Scoring Title
Jew (+200)
Goy (-335)
Notes: Levine not considered Jewish, somehow. Bet against us at your own risk.
Ryan’s pick: Jew (+200) – Taking the value here and supporting my last name. While the recent seasons have been more biased towards the Goys for scoring title, don’t get caught up in gambler’s fallacy here. I’m keeping an eye out for the Gelman/Silverman Jewish powerhouse combo, although I will say…as both are individuals with goal/assist ratios heavily skewed towards the goal side, one of them (or both) will have to compromise and become the passer in this relationship if they play on the same line.
District Five Scoring Title
Canadian (+200)
Field (-340)
Notes: Brief list of confirmed Canadian dudes: Chad, Fitz, Simon, Nick, Goose. Sportsbook manager retains final say as to who is actually considered Canadian and his word supercedes any passports, citizenship documents or photos of guys eating poutine.
Ryan’s pick: Field (-340) – The value play is tempting here, but you’re just handing money to Frey/Jenn on this one if you fall for it. Dues were already raised this season solely to fund the flight budget for Jack, Annie and Feder to somehow all play together in the playoffs which I have a feeling will be made fair by offering up “future considerations.” Anyways, don’t get me wrong, there’s a lot of Canadian talent out there this season, but it’s the teammate chemistry and attendance that will really decide this one, both of which I see more potential for the non Canadians of the draft.
Scoring Champion Total Points
Over 23.5 (-120)
Under 23.5 (-120)
Ryan’s pick: Under 23.5 (-120) – Is life too short to bet the under? Maybe, but my gut tells me given the overall increase in goalie talent combined with fairly balanced player talent on each team (besides the team thats draft order is based strictly on how many gallons of milk you can chug), we’ll see generally lower point totals this season. I hope I’m proven wrong here!
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Hicks (EVEN)
Jack (-145)
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Chad (-110)
Ryan Levine (-130)
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Andrew (-145)
Alex (EVEN)
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Pete (+140)
Ariel (-200)
Ryan’s Pick: I had a nice convo with Ariel in Pottstown 2ish months ago and he made it very clear he was done with defense and would be sticking to offense this season. If this holds true, I think this bet is apples to oranges and we all know who to take here… PETER. The boards behind the net will be begging for mercy when Peter’s done with them.
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Ryann (-110)
Annie (-130)
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Scott Metz (+115)
Russo (-165)
Editor’s Note: I am contractually obligated to post this photo of the two villains in 101 Dalmations ever since Russo pointed out the resemblance.
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Sarah Hoffman (-110)
Ellie (-130)
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Tommy Covelli (-120)
Danilo (-120)
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Mike Stern (EVEN)
Sam Gelman (-145)
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Jason Reape (+120)
The Milkman (-165)
GAA Race (Regular Season Only; Must Start At Least Five Games)
Campbell (EVEN)
Field (-145)
Lower GAA (Regular Season Only; Must Start At Least Five Games)
Jeff Green (-120)
AJ (-120)
Lower GAA (Regular Season Only; Must Start At Least Five Games)
Zisser (-225)
Sonj (+150)
What # Will Be Greater?
Pizza Rats Standings Points (-120)
Hicks Points (-120)
What # Will Be Greater?
Orange Team Season Wins (-105)
Danilo Points (-135)
What # Will Be Greater?
Black Team Season Points (+140)
Points By Guys Named Luca On Black (-200)
What # Will Be Greater?
New Yehuda Points (+125)
Old Yehuda Points Times Two (-175)
How Many Games Will Go To OT? (Regular Season Only)
Over 7.5 (-125)
Under 7.5 (-115)
Grand Salami (Total Goals For The Season; Regular Season Only)
Over 340.5 (-120)
Under 340.5 (-120)
When Will The Championship Be Played?
May 20 (-130)
May 27 (EVEN)
Any Other Date (+300)
RYAN’S REQUESTED PROP LINES
One Of Three Final Goalies Drafted To Make It To The Finals
Yes (+140)
No (-200)
Editor’s Note: A truly fascinating line as multiple players took goalies in rounds 1 & 2 again, which previously had not happened for several years, yet the final four last season was legitimately comprised of four of the last teams to draft a goalie. I would argue the league has never been more balanced than these last few seasons which explains this situation. Could honestly see this one going either way.
What # Will Be Greater
Cardello Empty Net Goals (-320)
Sammy PIM As A Sub (+200)
Editor’s Note: One of the stranger lines I’ve ever been asked to make. How do you handicap a line of empty net goals by one guy who lives in Rhode Island with the penalty minutes line of another guy who lives in Miami and isn’t even registered for this season? Ultimately, it just comes down to gut feel. Cardello will for sure play at least 3-4 games and odds are he’ll have a chance at an empty netter. By contrast, Sammy will probably sub one night, if that, and even if he does there’s always a chance that he won’t take any penalties, especially if Scott isn’t reffing that night. I have to make Dello goals the prohibitive favorite here but if Sam actually is able to fly in one night, particularly if that night features a doubleheader that he’s approved to play in, it’s an easy win for the +200.
More Kisses From Women At Dorrian’s This Season
Yehuda (-320)
Minsky (Even Though He’s Not In The League) (+200)
Editor’s Note: If that last line was one of the stranger ones I’ve had to make, this one was downright upsetting. But business is business and thus I have to weigh the fact that Yehuda is actually in this league and a lock for at least two Dorrian’s nights this season while Minsky will probably crash one but is at a disadvantage He’s also at a disadvantage because, while both are pretty religious, Minsky is more likely to have Friday night shabbat plans that preclude the possibility of shopping in the discount aisle that is the standard Friday night crowd at Dorrie’s. As such, as much as it pains me, Yehuda is the prohibitive favorite here although if there was an option for a tie, that would be the likely favorite. I can’t believe I just spent time handicapping this. Time to wrap it up (this article I mean).
