From the same trusted outlet that brought you such breaking news stories as the Herman/Chester Trade of 2021, Goose being confirmed Jewish or the Mensches Annoucement that shocked the world comes perhaps the biggest draft day deal in the history of the league. That’s right – Jack, otherwise known as Tadpole, Cobra, Leader or “that guy who hit me in the face with a slapshot”, now in the final season of a legendary career, who has long told everyone who would listen that “he deserved the honor” of being the league’s #1 overall pick, finally gets his wish in the final season of a long and storied career as he joins a select group of just 8 players to ever be taken at 1.1. It was truly a beautiful moment as he was initially selected by his longtime friend, the guy who brought him to the league and was most recently his co-captain just two seasons ago with UPS, Brian “Meatbox” Hicks. These guys used to have beautiful heartwarming moments like this:
Sadly such moments were not to be this season as upon acquiring Jack, Hicks immediately considered the possibility that not a single person on his team would backcheck, a strategy they already tried with UPS last Summer with not particularly great results. Defense is not exactly Jack’s forte despite revolutionary strategies such as this one where he lays on the floor while Luke just kinda does whatever the hell he wants.
And so, after drafting Jack, Hicks immediately branded him Eli Manning (even though there was no hint of a holdout) and sent him over to blue for a bag of pucks. The actual trade involved multiple draft picks and I will probably buy him some fireball shots at Dorrian’s but after 14 seasons in D5, Jack gets to close out his career with blue…unless, that is, we turn around and flip him tomorrow. No one would appreciate such business more than Mr McGinty himself.
Reached for comment, Cardello was ecstatic to acquire a talent such as Jack who will spend this final season teaching him how to more efficiently complete a power hour. We tried to get Chad on the line but I’m pretty sure he’s at a rave. As for Jack himself…I have to think he is pretty pleased with this turn of events.
We’ll try to get his dad on the line for comment as well.
This has been a D5 Breaking News Update and this piece will (probably) be updated as more information becomes available. Check back for further updates as this story develops.