From the same outlet that brought you such breaking news stories as the Herman/Chester Trade of 2021 or Goose being confirmed Jewish last season comes a late announcement that much more similar to the latter than the former, but significantly more shocking. The D5 media has officially confirmed (unlike some other, non-credentialed underground sources) that, for the very first time in league history, the league has not only expanded to 12 teams, but also welcomed in an outside squad of entirely new players.
Yes indeed. Straight from the ghettos of Tel Aviv, a new team of elite athletes has emerged, molded to greatness by their time in the kibbutz and ready to compete against District Five’s finest. It is a team made up entirely of Yeshiva League All-Stars from about a decade ago, looking to make it to the promised land with the coveted D5 Cup.
As you might expect, the buzz around this team is absolutely tremendous. I have just received the following footage from inside their team headquarters. The woman on the toilet is Jenn.
We reached out directly to the commissioner for comment on this shocking turn of events.
Is this a joke or a ploy for livestream ratings?
No, this is actually happening. It has been in the works for several days with a letter of intent signed shortly before the draft and the official roster submitted an hour ago. This is very real.
What type of precedent does this set for future seasons?
None. This is very much a one shot deal. The captain of this new team has been informed that next season and in all future seasons, everyone will be in the draft pool.
Why this season?
This summer season is already a highly unique one for a variety of reasons: 11 drafted teams, a possible midseason skills competition, a definite 5th Anniversary Gala as a stand-alone Saturday night event (details to come), and the supplementary pick madness that many teams partook in.
How good do you realistically expect this team to be?
I believe they will be a solid team and a great addition to the D5 community. Remember, this team has also been fully vetted by mensches Sam Gelman and Avery who knew basically everyone on the roster. Much will depend on how quickly they can acclimate to the fast paced game on the rink and the fast paced antics that take place off of it. I anticipate their early forays in this league to go much like the first minute of this video: starts out innocently enough with a little trip to a temple in Jerusalem and ends with drugs and prostitutes and property damage. Classic Dorrian’s.
Are you worried at all about public blowback?
Not really. Taking risks is what this league is all about, from cameramen in 2018 to betting lines to in-season trading. Also everyone thinks the games are rigged anyways.
How will this affect the schedule?
Literally no effect. Arguably makes it better by getting us back to an even # of teams.
Wait, did you say something about a Skills Competition and a 5th Anniversary Gala?
Without getting into it too much, there is a chance that we have a skills competition on a Friday night after games. We will also be celebrating five years since we started this league with a 5th Anniversary Gala which is going to be electric and certainly feature an ice luge. As some of you may recall, I am a big fan of ice luges and used to routinely get them when I had a balcony. Further info on both in the coming weeks.
Will they be cool people?
Honestly, I have spent several hours on the phone and emailing with the captain of this new team and he is much more friendly/laid back than many of you. I expect them to be great mensches and great additions to this league.
Will they play Fridays?
Yes but probably early games.
Will they bring Manischevitz to drink in the stands?
I will be requesting demanding that they do precisely that for opening day.
Last question: who the hell is Sylvester Cacciatore?
No comment but he certainly got the scoop on this one.
He also sent me this email. I can assure you I have never met this guy in my life.
He also has one picture on his profile and it’s with Russo at a wedding. A very clearly legitimate and not at all doctored photo.
Russo could not be reached for comment as he was recently spotted in Vegas for reasons that will become clear shortly.
In any case, this is certain to be a season unlike any other. Roster release coming in 20 minutes. Schedule likely drops tomorrow. Season starts Tuesday, weather permitting. Until then, not much else to say except…
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