*All betting lines for entertainment purposes only
District Five Championship
Vegas Golden Knights (+420)
Red Zeppelin (+420)
Blueberry Bulldogs (+420)
The Lavender Llamas (+420)
Julie’s Football Club (+420)
Hungry Hippos 2.0 (+550)
The Mighty Mensches (+650)
Green Street Hooligans (+650)
Hubba Bubba (+900)
Shooting Blancs (+900)
MelRose Place (+1000)
Merry Pranksters (+1200)
District Five Championship
Blue, Gold, Orange or Red (-150)
Field (+105)
District Five Championship
Green, Yellow, Pink, White or Tie Dye (+150)
Field (-200)
COMMENTS: This was by far the toughest championship race to handicap that I have had in 11 seasons. We generally have a decent idea even before week 1 of who generally crushed their draft and who was clearly blackout drunk while making picks. This season, I truly have no idea how this playoff race will fall and it is reflected in what must be the most even public championship survey in history. Place your bets folks.
Which Team Will Finish Higher In The Standings?
Hungry Hippos 2.0 (+115)
Vegas Golden Knights (-160)
COMMENTS: The two teams that made a blockbuster mid-draft deal, then reversed part of it in a second post-draft deal. Hicks sold the farm to get Jack, then sold what was left of the cows to get Oberg. Despite these deals, Julie and I were in her words “perplexed” how he still ended up with a solid team. One power ranker (SPOILER ALERT) commented that “every black game will set scoring records, either for or against.” I too am curious just how much defense this team ends up playing and what Hicks and Jahk are going to do on the same line four years after Jahk was a mere rookie getting his start in D5.
Which Team Will Finish Higher In The Standings?
Green Street Hooligans (EVEN)
Julie’s Football Club (-140)
Which Team Will Finish Higher In The Standings?
The Lavender Llamas (EVEN)
Red Zeppelin (-145)
COMMENTS: Red is being power ranked as the top team and looks very solid top to bottom. Lavender is more up-and-down but it’s tough to bet against a top 5 of Sam/Phelps/Annie/Pags/Joel. Both should be contenders.
Which Team Will Finish Higher In The Standings?
Shooting Blancs (+145)
Blueberry Bulldogs (-200)
COMMENTS: Most people rank white higher than I do and blue lower than I do. One of the tougher faceoffs to handicap properly.
District Five Scoring Title*
Any Rookie (+140)
Wes, Sam or Derek (+160)
Hicks, Jahk, Stern or Neil (+220)
Field (+300)
*Rookie defined as player who has never registered and been placed on a roster before
District Five Scoring Title*
Rookie (+140)
Non-Rookie (-185)
District Five Scoring Title Draft Position
Round 1 (-240)
Round 2 or later (+165)
COMMENTS: First round gets you exposure to Sam, Wes, Jahk, Tom Fitz, Magosin, Storer, McGuire, Derek, Neil, Cara and the unlikely but I suppose technically possible AJ Frey goalie scoring title victory. 2nd and later means you’re relying on dregs like me and Simon, but also past scoring champions like Hicks and last season’s defending champion in Stern, along with a bunch of rookies including everyone on the Mensches (for purposes of this line, all of them count as round 2 or later). Much of this will come down to attendance, both of the rookies and of players like Wes and Sam. No rookie has won the scoring title since we were all rookies back in 2018. Sam was tied for most points in Summer/Fall 2021 and played less games than Guido, but lost the goals tiebreaker.
District Five Ladies’ Scoring Title
Tash (+120)
Cara (+165)
Annie (+230)
Cherie (+230)
Colleen (+300)
Field (+300)
District Five Ladies’ Scoring Title
Tash or Cara (-200)
Field (+145)
COMMENTS: After winning this award by a large margin and in a season where she played most games on D, Tash now goes into a season where she only has one other lady on her team and she will be playing big minutes at forward. Public is on Cara but the book is backing Tash via implied odds. Choose wisely.
Rookie Of The Year (Male)
Scott Storer or Joe Magosin (-115)
Anyone On The Mensches (+180)
Jo Robin or Aryeh Minsky (+300)
Field (+300)
Rookie Of The Year (Female)
Colleen (-375)
Anyone On The Mensches (+200)
Sabrina (+270)
Maddy (+270)
Field (+250)
Comments: There have been some great rookie classes in league history. Not counting the 2018 year when we were all rookies, Summer 2019 had rookie AK, Braun, Meg and Annie (three of them on the same team) while Summer/Fall 2021 had rookies Sam, Wes, Jason Campbell, Abby and Izzy. This rookie class has the potential to be better than both with an absolutely stacked cast, although it does feel strange to call people Scott, Joe and Colleen rookies considering they have more tournament ball hockey experience than 98% of the league. In any case, rookie party hazing should be electric.
Lowest GAA (Regular Season Only; Must Start At Least Five Games)
Phelps (+200)
Jeff Green (+200)
AJ (+200)
Zisser (+200)
Field (+300)
COMMENTS: Phelps won this award two of his three seasons on blue, but blue is also a very solid defensive team. Jeff Green won two of these in his first two seasons but has been more focused on how many games he can cram into a night lately. Meanwhile Zisser is trying to join these two as the only goalies to win two #1 Goalie Awards and to make them two in a row at that. And AJ was the top one picked of all of them, the first goalie to go Round 1 since Campbell was slotted there as captain in Spring 2019. This is a wide open field and for the first time ever, I am listing four co-favorites for an award.
Lower GAA (Regular Season Only; Must Start At Least Five Games)
Zisser (-120)
Phelps (-120)
Lower GAA (Regular Season Only)
AJ (-120)
Jeff Green (-120)
Lower GAA (Regular Season Only)
Max (EVEN)
Ridzik (-145)
Grand Salami (Total Goals For The Season; Regular Season Only)
Over 375.5 (-130)
Under 375.5 (-110)
COMMENTS: The standard over/under for a D5 game is 5.5 goals. Last two seasons have gone slightly over. However, games are now being increased from 13 minute to 14 minute periods which should raise the expected level of scoring. As with many of these lines, not quite sure what to expect here.
How Many Games Will Go To OT? (Regular Season Only)
Over 15.5 (-110)
Under 15.5 (-130)
COMMENTS: Historically 15-20% of games go to OT. Fall 2022, for some reason, we saw an extreme statistical outlier as it was only 3 games out of 45, an insanely low 6.67% rate. Then, somehow, last season saw an incredible 35.6% of games hit OT, partially a result of record parity, partially a result of terrible luck for me as a commissioner with some kind of vested interest in on-time games. With 60 game on the schedule this season I’m banking on reversion to the general mean, but still a high rate of OT due to parity.
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Sam (-120)
Wes (-120)
COMMENTS: Very tough to bet on without knowing either’s attendance, but based on recent PPG this is a dead heat.
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Derek (-120)
Scott Storer (-120)
COMMENTS: Two more elite players with attendance questions. Why is it always the top players that you’re never sure if they’ll come or not?
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Meatbox (-120)
Jack (-120)
COMMENTS: On the other side of the ledger, two guys who show up every week because they love this league and/or have nothing better to do. It’s generally of the great rivalries in all of sports as they finished 1-2 in the scoring race in Fall 2022 and each picked up a championship the past two seasons. Now, for one season only, they get to play as D5 teammates.
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Simon (-150)
AFrey (+110)
COMMENTS: The likely Leetch Award finals, this has the potential to go either way especially if Simon games the system and plays a few at forward which I am fairly certain he will do.
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Russo (-160)
Scott Metz (+120)
COMMENTS: I am contractually obligated to post this photo of the two villains in 101 Dalmations ever since Russo pointed out the resemblance to this pair of D5 vets.
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Annie (-120)
Cherie (-110)
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Tash (-135)
Cara (-105)
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Adam Herman (-120)
Yehuda (-120)
COMMENTS: A classic battle between small Jewish dudes who were linemates for one season but now are mortal enemies every seasons (at least as far as these prop lines are concerned). Yehuda is way faster, Adam has a stronger hockey IQ. Likely comes down to attendance and if one of their teams ends up being sneaky bad. Last year Yehuda jumped out to a 2-0 lead before Herman slowly and steadily clawed his way back and won the head-to-head. No telling how this season’s race will go.
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Shirtless Rob Meehan (-120)
Shirted Mike Goose (-120)
Which Number Will Be Larger? (Regular Season Only)
Blue Team Standings Points (-130)
Wes + Cherie Points (-110)
Which Number Will Be Larger? (Regular Season Only)
Hicks + Jack Season Goals (+105)
Rest Of Team Season Goals (-150)
Which Number Will Be Larger? (Regular Season Only)
Cara + Simon Season Points (-155)
Cherie + AFrey Season Points (+110)
Which Number Will Be Larger? (Regular Season Only)
Merry Pranksters Season Wins (-135)
The Highest # Of Goals Derek Scores In A Game (-105)
Will The Championship Winning Captain Be Male Or Female?
Male Captain (-480)
Female Captain (+270)
COMMENTS: We have three ladies (Annie, Julie and Mel) vs nine men. The teams are good but it’s a pure #s game, taking 3 teams out of 12.
Will Anyone Be Suspended For At Least One Game This Season?
Yes (-400)
No (+220)
COMMENTS: As in past seasons, wagers will not be honored if it is suspected someone intentionally got suspended for the purposes of winning this prop bet.
How Many Regular Season Games Will Not Be Completed On Schedule (Rainouts)?
Over 15.5 (EVEN)
Under 15.5 (-140)
COMMENTS: Betting the over on this is like betting the don’t pass in craps; you might win but everyone will hate you. That said, it probably will go over because, as longtime league members know, god hates us. I’m sure the constant drinking, gambling and premarital sex didn’t help out the cause in that regard. Enjoy some vaguely emo 90s music about rain to ease the pain of being among the heathens for yet another electric season.