1) Red Zepplin
Average Rank: 2.5
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 4
1st Place Votes: 1 of 5
Comments: It hurts to give Nate this much credit, but this team does indeed look solid. I had no idea who Magosin was when they drafted him with their 1st rounder but it seems like we will all learn very soon. And if there’s anyone to learn from, it’s Lerner. Sorry, I had to do it.
Comment From Anonymous Ranker: “This team is stacked.”
“One of the deeper teams in the league, if Joe is able to produce at the level he was drafted, Red will be good. Don’t have much else to say.”
2) Vegas Golden Knights
Average Rank: 3.4
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 11
1st Place Votes: 3 of 5
Comments: Vegas is likely the deepest team in the league with talent at every position and one of the best goalies in the business. It remains to be seen what kind of effect living in Vegas will have on noted savage Jeff Green but as long as he plays up to his historical standard, this will be an extremely difficult team to play against and, like the NHL’s version, one with true championship potential.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers: “Much like how the Coyotes have never won the draft lottery, this Vegas team should prove once and for all to the haters that Frey did not use this expansion team to rig the league in Blue’s favor. He does that in other ways.”
“With Frey drafting the expansion team right next to his own team, there were major suspicions that shady shit would go down and Vegas would suffer for it. Despite the accusations, Frey silenced the haters by drafting and trading his way into an extremely impressive Vegas team. With both a top 2 offense and top 1 defense, as well as a top goalie, Vegas looks like the team to beat this season. The big worry for this team will be their leadership, but with Joe Moskowitz stepping up as captain with Russo to help him out, league insiders are confident in Vegas’s ability to have a first season similar to that of their namesake.”
3) Blueberry Bulldogs
Average Rank: 4.4
Highest Rank: 2
Lowest Rank: 9
Comments: Some rankers are less than impressed with blue’s draft and much of the bottom six is populated with unknown players but if even a couple of them hit, blue should contend once again.
Comment From Anonymous Ranker: “Like clockwork, blue has drafted a team with elite players at each position. I am bummed that I am not on blue because it seems like this crew is up to rage, perhaps at an all-you-can eat sushi dinner, where I would have attempted to break my 40 piece performance at our team dinner last season. Sad.”
3) Hungry Hippos 2.0
Average Rank: 4.4
Highest Rank: 3
Lowest Rank: 6
Comments: Is this our first ever power rankings tie? Blue and black are exactly tied for 3rd place. Black has less variance in ranks (3-6) while blue got two second place votes, although it should be noted that one of those was from me. Hicks Jahk and Oberg are going to be a menace to defend offensively but whether any of them enter the D zone all season remains to be seen.
Comment From Anonymous Ranker: “Every game gonna set scoring records (for or against).”
5) Julie’s Football Club
Average Rank: 5.4
Highest Rank: 2
Lowest Rank: 8
Comments: Julie drafted a goalie in the 1st round, the first time anyone has done so in several years, and picked up what many are calling the steal of the draft in Jo Robin. I have no idea who he is but the mere fact that she received 3 trade offers for him speaks volumes. This looks to be another solid, well-built squad for orange with the potential for another deep run.
Comment From Anonymous Ranker: “Julie got fucked by a series of calamitous draft circumstances and missed out on elite offensive talent. She is wisely attempting to again get by as the best defensive team in the league.”
6) The Lavender Llamas
Average Rank: 5.6
Highest Rank: 4
Lowest Rank: 11
Comments: With a roster that includes Sam, Phelps, Joel and Pags I can’t help but think that Annie was just mocking me with her draft. That said, this is a strong team with star power and strength at every position that could easily go all the way with a sleeper or two.
Comment From Anonymous Ranker: “This team’s success will depend on their ability to score when Sam is off the court. With a solid defensive squad, a top goalie, and the best player in the league, this team will certainly win games, but they will need Wagner and Jeff Jacobson to step up and provide some secondary scoring if they hope to make a deep run of it.”
7) Shooting Blancs
Average Rank: 6.5
Highest Rank: 2
Lowest Rank: 10
Comments: Opinion is wildly split on Simon’s squad. One ranker had them as high as 2nd while several had them bottom 3. This should be a better squad than last season’s iteration for sure but I’m not sure if they have enough scoring punch to truly compete with the top teams.
Comment From Anonymous Ranker: “Lot of depth and Cara is going to score 15 goals.”
8) MelRose Place
Average Rank: 7
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 9
1st Place Votes: 1 of 5
Comments: Very rare to see a team ranked so low receive a 1st place vote when tons of teams above them didn’t but Adam Herman ranked this team #1, either out of loyalty to his friend Mel or because he cut film of their 2nd round draft pick. You truly never know what this team is going to do year-to-year but if the sticker system works on Storer they should be a top half squad with potential for some overachieving.
Comment From Anonymous Ranker: “Simon is desperate to trade for the Swiss guy so I’m going to assume that their second-round risk is going to pay off.”
9) Green Street Hooligans
Average Rank: 7.5
Highest Rank: 7
Lowest Rank: 9
Comments: A classic middle-of-the-road squad, green had by far the lowest standard deviation in rankings as everyone picked them either 7, 8 or 9. There are some great pieces on roster, especially on offense, but whether the D will be able to support rookie goalie Jacob Geskin will likely determine how their season goes.
Comment From Anonymous Ranker: “Despite a strong offensive squad, Green has one of the weaker defenses in the league, as well as a goalie that is unproven in D5 hockey and doesn’t even own pads. They will need their very fast offense to force turnovers and keep possessions long in order to keep the ball away from their own defensive zone. If their rookies can overperform their expectations Green does have a shot at the title, but a betting man would stay away from Green until they prove themselves.”
10) Hubba Bubba
Average Rank: 9.25
Highest Rank: 9
Lowest Rank: 12
Comments: Neil and Stern worked magic in their limited time together last season and Jake decided to reunite them for an encore. Unfortunately said time together was extremely limited and Neil is missing even more games this summer as he goes on his annual tour wherever Phish goes. This will be a quick team that won’t be easy to play against, but I’m not sure if Neil will make enough games to vault them into the upper echelons of the league.
Comment From Anonymous Ranker: “Neil is missing like 80% of the season to take acid and circlejerk with rock climbers at Phish concerts.”
11) The Mighty Mensches
Average Rank: 10
Highest Rank: 6
Lowest Rank: 12
Comments: This feels way too low and I almost think they got ranked 11th as a matter of principle by many people, exemplified by the top comment below. This team has a number of players who were considered among the elites of the yeshiva circuit about ten years ago, but may of them have not played any ball hockey in years and it will take them some time to get accustomed to the D5 game. That said, talent usually finds a way and I expect this team to be competitive and hit their stride by midseason.
Comment From Anonymous Ranker: “Unfortunately I do not recognize 100% of this roster and cannot in good faith provide a non-12th ranking. I am rooting for them to play well.”
“The Yeshiva Team I think will be a contender. Every other team has low level players and prob at least half the team doesn’t know each other. They also aren’t going to be motivated to do well like the Yeshiva team will be. The Yeshiva team will also be a decade younger than most teams, and 3 decades (literally) than Green.
“While their most likely finish is last place, this team can really finish anywhere. Generally, Yeshiva League players find much success in D5, but this team will have to shake off the rust if they are to put up a fight against players who have played hockey in the last 10 years. With the safeguards Frey has put in place, even if they get accustomed to D5 quickly, they will have a hard time finishing as a top team, but with the power of God(and anime?) on their side, the Mensches may not be as easy of a matchup as the many antisemites in the league will hope.”
“I’m sure you undersold them.”
12) Merry Pranksters
Average Rank: 10.5
Highest Rank: 9
Lowest Rank: 12
Comments: In contrast this ranking looks just about right. Sam was looking to draft a team that would have good vibes, and he succeeded in that regard. But there are games to be played and Derek’s attendance may be a question mark all season. Any games he misses will be extremely painful. Gelman is going to need to have another top 10 scoring season to keep this team in the running and out of the play-ins.
Comment From Anonymous Ranker: “I played one game on a line with Derek and managed to fuck everything up for him. Sam drafted a team that will be able to offer him a similar experience.”
“Interested to see Gelman Global Management’s debut. I have only seen Derek play once or twice, but it was real, and it was spectacular.”