Week 1 Betting Lines (Summer 2023)

Julie’s Football Club (-110)
Hungry Hippos 2.0 (-130)
Over 6.5 (-120)
Under 6.5 (-120)

Notes: A championship rematch sees Hicks raise the Hippos banner with longtime friend/enemy Jahk McGinty at his side. After some speeches about bobs and testicles, we will get to watch some hockey between two of the top five power ranked teams, although both will be somewhat short tonight. The Hippos have none of their women showing up (possibly related to the aforementioned speeches about bobs and testicles) while orange is missing a bunch of its D core and will have to use Simon in net. The fact that he woke up and immediately texted Jack and Hicks to beg for mercy is not a great sign.

Naturally, he was just asking for disrespect which is what he received a steady dose of all throughout the lunch hour.

It’s one of the top defensive teams in the league against a team that will be expected to win games 6-4 and, between Hicks, Jack and Ellie subbing, will probably have multiple players in the offensive zone all game. I have no idea what to expect but solely on the basis of Simon being the goalie, I’m betting against orange and if a between the legs goal is scored on him, I’m coming out of the scorer’s box to join in the dog pee cellys. Hippos 2.0 to score at least four and pick up the W. Sorry Simon. I know this was messed up.

Jack Goals

Over 0.5 (-130)
Under 0.5 (-110)

Hicks Goals
Over 0.5 (-130)
Under 0.5 (-110)

More Points In Game
Jack + Hicks + Ellie (-130)
Tash + Liang + Jo Robin (-110)

MelRose Place (-160)
Merry Pranksters (+120)
Over 7.5 (-110)
Under 7.5 (-130)

Notes: Sam is a new captain and as such I sincerely hope his team does well and has a fun season. That said, new captains generally have tough first seasons and MelRose, unlike all of last season, will actually have basically a full roster tonight. Dominic is a GTD for this one but otherwise they have most of the team in. I have no idea who is coming for the Pranksters but neither team has their goalie in town. Jacob will be subbing for the Pranksters and Cam for MelRose and I hope they’re both ready for a game that will probably not feature a ton of defense. Derek hasn’t played a D5 game in over a full year but it would be a mistake to doubt Jesus. That said, Scott will be highly motivated to win his first D5 game and Mel has invested all her Row House instructor money in stickers. MelRose to win parlayed with the over.

Line/Total Parlay
MelRose & Over (+210)
MelRose & Under (+195)
Pranksters & Over (+280)
Pranksters & Under (+260)

Green Street Hooligans (-120)
The Mighty Mensches (-120)
Over 7.0 (-130)
Under 7.0 (-110)

Notes: This might be the most highly anticipated game in league history as, for the first time, a team made up entirely of new D5 players enters the league to face off in elite athletic competition. There was much debate as to who would get the first crack at this squad but the honor goes to Yehuda because
a) this is a nice middle of the road squad for the Mensches to start their season against,
b) his father is a rabbi who subbed in a game last year and attended last seasons playoffs,
c) and used to be the principle of a Yeshiva school so there’s a chance he gave some of these guys detention, and
d) we once made Yehuda’s team use this logo for an entire season.

This must be what it felt like when the Soviets visited in the 70s to play against the Canadians. In exchange for a warm glass of prune juice perhaps Glanzer and Gil can tell us what that was like, although the first is out tonight and the other is a GTD. Back then the Canadians were expecting to dominate only for the Soviets to come in with their own brand of hockey and whoop some ass. This time around, I truly have no idea what to expect, especially in Maroon’s first few games, and from the looks of last week’s flash poll, no one else really does either.

That said, while both teams are missing players tonight, the Jerusalem Post has confirmed that the Mensches likely top two players will be in attendance. A true passover miracle (sometimes they take two months to truly form).

I am rating this game as a total toss-up. With green’s full roster against a team of unknowns they would’ve been slightly favored but without 2nd and 3rd rounders Sean Kittridge and Aryeh Minsky, this will be a tough task. Meanwhile the Mensches get to roll two possible elite talents for half the game, although their cardio level remains to be seen. I’m sure most of the league will be cheering for green in this one, a task made far easier by Glanzer’s absence from the lineup. As commissioner I should probably be pulling for green (actually I really shouldn’t be pulling for anyone should I), but I will mostly just be watching to see what the hell I have gotten myself into here. Game could go either way but based on what I’ve seen from Yeshiva players, I will definitely be hitting the over.

Vegas Golden Knights (-170)
MelRose Place (+125)
Over 6.5 (-110)
Under 6.5 (-130)

Notes: This is a big time for Vegas with the NHL’s Golden Knights up 2-0 in the finals and tonight marking the world premier of their D5 affiliate. The Vegas Golden Knights come into tonight with a #2 power ranking to defend and a basically full roster coming out. The loss of Jeff Green is a bummer but Zisser is a more than adequate sub. Wait, Jeff Green’s on Vegas? Did anyone alert Sylvester that his prophecy came true (even if it did happen in a later round)?

Seriously, I swear Sylvester isn’t me, although the random drive-by of long dead retired Braun was just beautiful.

Anyways, MelRose will have Simon in net for this one and their 2nd rounder Dominic, a GTD for game 1, is in for this one. Between him and Scott they have two of the top players in this game and a puncher’s chance at this one. But between Tom Fitzgerald anchoring the top line, the Campbell bros on line 2 and a likely league-best defense, I don’t think it’ll be enough. The champagne and the hookers will be flowing all thoughout The Strip tonight as Joe Moskowitz ditches his religious ways and gets the team a table at Hakkasan tonight to celebrate a franchise opening victory. Vegas to win.

Red Zepplin (-220)
Shooting Blancs (+160)
Over 6.5 (-110)
Under 6.5 (-130)

Notes: #1 in the power rankings but with their own captain unable to spell their name properly…

…Red Zeppelin nonetheless presses on. In addition to vets like Tarnow, Nate and Campbell, they also go into the season with a ton of rookies on the squad: 1st round pick Joe, 3rd round pick Colleen and Campbell’s younger brother Carter who runs significantly more than Campbell does. Plus four other rookies who I am too lazy to do research on because I’m eating cherries and making soup. Simon, meanwhile, goes into this season with a stronger team than last season but with some serious question marks. He, Cara and someone named DeRosa are going to have to carry the scoring load because there are some serious questions on offense for white. Who is DaRosa? Well, I have no idea but I do know that Simon asked me for like 6 straight days before the draft if DaRosa had registered yet so I have to assume he doesn’t suck. Then again Simon texts me inane shit all the time so it also wouldn’t surprise me if DaRosa is a one legged man in an asskicking contest. Truly all options are on the table for white but the most likely option: they are that one legged man and Tarnow shows up with 3 legs. It also doesn’t bode well that this is yet another team Simon texted to beg for mercy.

Red to win by multiple goals. PIzza and whiteclaws in the scorers box for all. See ya tonight.

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