BREAKING NEWS: Grapes, Hippos Face Off In Historic Tiebreak Tonight

Every once in a while, something truly historic happens that shakes the foundation of your life to its very core. 2016 had Trump/Brexit. 2020 had covid. 2021 had the D5 return to play. And now…we have this. After four years and eight seasons plus one aborted one, we have finally reached the point where two teams have the exact same wins, goal differential and goals against in the standings, leading us to the elusive tiebreaker #6: a 21 Cup Game.

Now to get the obvious questions out of the way:

a) I am fully aware that The Grapes have played one less game and thus have a better win percentage; however, that is not one of the listed tiebreakers as by end of season all teams will play the same # of games. You know the old saying: games in hand only matter if you win them.
b) I am also fully aware that the 4th tiebreaker is head-to-head and these two teams did just play two weeks ago. I have brought this up to both captains; they did not care and demanded to throw that tiebreaker in the trash where it belongs. God bless them.

And so, we will be gifted with a high stakes 21 Cup Matchup that will decide who gets to hold 2nd place in the standings, at least until the next round of games where one of the teams will presumably pass the other in wins or goal differential. I have been informed that if the teams are tied again later in the season we will play another game; TBD if anyone will get kicked off the 21 cup squad between now and then or if someone will make a trade solely to acquire a shitty hockey player but a beerpong ringer. All great questions but for tonight, each team has submitted a roster to central registry consisting of two guys and one girl. This was supposed to be a truly epic best of 7 but Jack has an ice hockey game and requested a best of 3 instead, leading to record amounts of rage from the Hicks camp and The Grapes having a crisis of leadership within their ranks due to this shocking display of cowardice. I will be heading uptown shortly to officiate this match and we will aim to have someone keeping track of cups made as well as possibly livestreaming the event to Facebook. That said, over 80% of the people reading this aren’t on either team so I know what you’re really here for…

Hungry Hippos (Hicks, DRo & Andrea) (EVEN)
The Grapes (Jack, AK & Liz Tremble) (-140)

Over 104.5 (-110)
Under 104.5 (-130)

Hungry Hippos (Hicks, DRo & Andrea) (-110)
The Grapes (Jack, AK & Liz Tremble) (-130)
Over 40.0 (-135)
Under 40.0 (-105)

Purple would seem to have the edge here; while neither Jack nor AK particularly scare me in either fighting or beerpong, they do have the home ice advantage in this one and gun to my head, I’d say Jack has the highest ceiling of anyone in this game. Hicks can get hot when his steroid-loaded arms aren’t throwing the ball completely off the table and I saw DRo play once in Ocean City and while he was decent, he was also on heavy drugs so not sure if that helped or hurt his game. It is somewhat unfortunate for purple that this historic contest comes during the one season where Annie is on the IR because she would be a real difference maker in this game and the probable frontrunner for series MVP. That said, I have a suspicion that Liz is going to be good and her battle with Andrea may well be what decides this series. Cutler, though married, is a legend of alcoholism with a ton of beerpong wins in her past life as a degenerate at Middlebury. That said, she can be very hit or miss; can get hot and hit 3-4 in a row but also can do this thing where the ball veers completely to the right and flies off the side of the table and often needs to get stiff-armed by her center if she attempts to shoot during a rack call. Hicks will need to be at the top of his game stepping into the high pressure center role and keeping Andrea & DRo focused. Come to think of it, this game is actually Team Marriage vs Team Chillin (or in Austin’s case, Team Celibacy). And in such a contest, I think you have to go with the non married folk to carry the day due to their higher concentration of free time spent boozing and also their superior decision making in not getting married.

The over/unders denote total cups made and both lines are tricky. For the series, 100.5 basically is a question of whether the series will go to game three or not; even if two games go to a full 42 cups made in regulation and one 10 cup OT, we would still be covered. For this line to hit, you need either 3 normal games, 2 games going to OT or one game going to double/triple overtime. It should be noted that in 21 cup, unlike standard beerpong, OTs are more likely to happen because each team gets a full three shoot-til-you-miss rebuttal opportunities. In theory one could lose this bet even in a three games series if each game is won by an average of over 7 cups but that would truly be one of the worst beats in gambling history and I sincerely hope it happens to McQuade tonight. For the game, 40 cups means one team loses by two cups for a push; this will be counted after rebuttals take place so if the game is within one cup or goes to OT, the over hits. Two cups left is a push; three or more and the under takes it.

The stakes are high and I will be even higher. As the ref I can’t bet on this game but if I could, I would be taking purple and the over, possibly parlaying them if this was a real sportsbook, and pulling for the home team to get a stiff challenge from the superior experience of Team Hippos/Marriage but ultimately pulling away with a hard fought victory, the 2nd seed in the standings and glory eternal. Andrea may act like she feels betrayed, Hicks may threaten to fight me and DRo may threaten to show me his penis again but that’s how I see this game playing out. I don’t know if The Grapes are a legit D5 title contender but when it comes to 21 Cup, I think they’re bringing the goods tonight. Unless someone gets divorced between now and 8 PM; then it’s anyones game.

Player To Make The Most Cups (All Games)
Jack (+185)
Andrea (+220)
AK (+250)
Liz (+250)
Hicks (+300)
DRo (+300)

Will Anyone Hit A Last Cup Rebuttal?
Yes (+150)
No (-250)

First Player To Take Shirt Off
Hicks (-700)
Jack (+190)
Andrea (+270)
Field (+225)
*Bet is no action if anyone takes molly

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