My Cup Size Is Stanley (+220)
The Grapes (-350)
My Cup Size Is Stanley (+1.5 Goals) (+125)
The Grapes (-1.5 Goals) (-170)
Over 9.5 (-110)
Under 9.5 (-130)
Notes: This game has been in the works for months now. Before the draft Josh Wagner asked if his team, whatever it was, could have the early game on 4/12 when he celebrates his birthday. Then immediately after the draft Jack followed up with league HQ and asked if The Grapes could get the 6:30 slot on 4/12 because Josh had requested it of him as well. Just over a month and a half later and here we are, on the precipice of what promises to be a pretty rowdy night for The Grapes. Before they booze in the stands for 3 hours of elite rec ball hockey though they’ll have to face off against Jenn, Cherie, the self-proclaimed Horny Line (Sean & Jeff) and the rest of the Cup Size squad. Black will unfortunately be without Shelly, Greg, Torino and 3rd round replacement Ben McCloskey as well as Corey who remains on the IR. In his place, with their standard goalie Jack on the other team, Dave GDR will step out of the forward ranks and back between the pipes for his first goaltending appearance of the season. Cup Size will get a sub or two in to give them two lines and Dave will be highly motivated but they will unfortunately be facing a Grapes squad that’s won 3 of 4 and will be highly motivated tonight to celebrate Josh’s birthday in style, especially on an uncharacteristically beautiful 70 degree evening. Grapes -1.5 for the win and the postgame funnel in the stands.
Green Street Hooligans (-135)
Royals (-105)
Over 8.0 (-105)
Under 8.0 (-135)
Notes: Two top teams playing without their starting goalies – electric stuff for the degen crowd. Casca is out for this one as is Zisser who will prob need a week or two to bounce back from Vegas. Waldman is driving in from Long Island to sub for the Royals but not sure who is going to play goal for the Hooligans. Remains to be seen how well Waldman plays after not having played in goal since November. Then again, that night we went out a D5 champion. Then again, he is now the champion of shit-filled diapers and weekend BBQs in the burbs. Legit no idea how to handicap this one; Probert vs Derek is always a fun matchup, green’s looked better but won’t have Casca or Amit tonight, two of their top players so far this season, while I have no idea who’s out for orange besides aforementioned savage Zisser. Best advice: wait to see who James bets on, then fade him.
THE PREWORKOUT BOWL
Hungry Hippos (+115)
The Blue Balls Of Sex (-155)
Over 9.0 (-120)
Under 9.0 (-120)
Notes: Fans, it is finally back: the former Fireball Bowl (Firebowl?), rebranded to the Preworkout Bowl last year. Longtime viewers/readers/degenerate gamblers know this is the crown jewel of the regular season TV schedule with record high ratings, sponsorships flowing in, record rates of injuries and steroid hospitalizations…this game truly has it all. The Bowl began in the inaugural Summer 2018 season as Team Sexy rattled off 9-3 and 6-2 wins before a 5-2 playoff victory played in the middle of a lightning storm (this actually happened, 2018 was wild). The Hippos stormed back with an electric OT win in Fall 2018 that jumpstarted their push to the finals and ensured that Avery never registered for D5 again. Spring 2019’s iteration was another OT classic that featured the first overturned by video review shootout goal in league history as Adam Herman shadily took two steps backwards on his attempt only for Courtney to end it on the very next shot. Summer 2019 saw blue missing a ton of players and facing a team called The Ronkonkoma Condos (what a time to be alive that was) and put down by one of the most physical lines in D5 history, Eli/Susie/The Q Train. Fall 2019 saw the Bandits prevail over the Hippos in one of the most physical games in league history, punctuated by Karsten scoring the winner with just over a minute left and Hogg breaking my toe. The Hippos got their revenge in the playoffs with a final four victory before falling in an upset to the Probert-less Hooligans. Since then blue has reeled off three straight wins in the series: in Spring 2021, we played a truly horrifying game where Hicks threatened me with murder several times and even told me he was outside my window which I actually believed and that he had destroyed his toilet, which I definitely believed.
So bad was the harassment that attorneys had to eventually get involved.
Thankfully that game actually went off with minimal brutality, unlike two extremely contentious Summer/Fall games that featured one instant classic and one Friday night game that almost got multiple people suspended. In any case, tonight’s game will feature short lineups for both teams as at press time yellow has 8 and blue has 9. Jaimie and Jon Herman are GTDs for yellow while Sully is a GTD for blue. The Hippos are currently 2nd in the standings although it should be noted that in games where they don’t face Cup Size they have been outscored by an aggregate of 11-5. Still, they’re coming off an electric 2-1 overtime victory over the Mavericks and Neil is leading the league in goals while blue is coming off a 6-1 loss to white so there may be some good value on that moneyline. Still, I may be biased but I must install blue as the favorites in this one, even with Sully a GTD and Liang, Campbell, Garrett, Caitlin and Ellie confirmed out. Buyer beware: anything can happen in the Preworkout Bowl.
East River Kraken (+150)
The Goaldiggers (-225)
Over 8.0 (-120)
Under 8.0 (-120)
Notes: The last game of the evening is a shitshow as per usual. Braun texted at 11 this morning with a lineup of himself, Rockoff, Jared, Henry, Dan T, Nicole and a goalie. They will need 3-4 subs for this one as they face the 1st place Goaldiggers who have looked great this season and now get a rematch against the only team to give them a loss so far. No idea who’s in or out for white but seeing as I haven’t been asked for subs I have to assume they have a solid lineup in tow. In fact Liz was asked to sub the game before this but declined so she could stay fresh for this one. Then again maybe she declined because she doesn’t like me. Whatever the case, with both lineups in flux and last minute subs sure to be on parade, I have to go chalk and install the Goaldiggers as a fairly heavy favorite to keep their stranglehold on first place. I’d write more but I need a hearty nap before tonight’s games. There will be ample booze in the stands along with a selection of lost & found water bottles in the scorer’s box. Also watch Severence on AppleTV, shit is nuts.