With the draft just under ten hours away, a look at each team’s unique front office situation and what you can expect from these sick bastards tonight.
Green
After an up-and-down captaining career that featured seasons that seemed to be either excellent or downright tragic, the Grassholes came into last season with relatively little hype. Everyone was either complaining about blue being a juggernaut, or the Storer/Magosin/McCracken team being unbeatable, or the pipe guys defending their crown with yet another stacked team. And yet, there’s a reason we actually play the games and a reason most people suck at predicting anything in this league. Green was the hottest team in D5 for much of the season, went through a rough stretch after losing their goalie to injury midseason but put it together for a playoff run for the ages as they won one of the most thrilling games in D5 history in the semis before coming back from a 3-0 deficit in the championship to win Jake, Mo and Stern’s first cup together. Well, this is the last ride for the Jewish Camp Trio (not sure if Stern went to theirs, but feels like he definitely went to one) as aforementioned Stern has filed his retirement papers with the league and informed us that this will be his final campaign. One more run for one of the great scorers of recent years. I’m not entirely sure what role he has in their front office as Jake pretty much handles the draft and runs the bench with Mo providing lots of input. I feel like Stern is mostly just scoring goals and throwing up on the bench but sometimes that’s what you need to inspire the boys and girls. We’ll see if it gets the team going as much as it clearly did last season.
Black
After a painful 2022 which saw black win zero playoff games, including a season where they became the first and to date only team in league history to actually miss the playoffs, Jenn decided to take a sabbatical from captaining. In that time she must have hit the books hard because upon coming back, boobs have been back and possibly larger than ever. To be fair, the additions to Hilary and Mikey to the team front office were absolutely crucial. Mikey was the same guy who behind the scenes helped lead Mel’s yellow teams to their two most successful seasons ever with a final four and a championship game appearance. As I told him last Friday, the man does seem to have a talent for advising short Jewish girls on how to draft. But Hilary is crucial as well as she brings the business bitch attitude that you really need to make a front office run like a well-oiled machine. In theory Jenn should be bringing that as well but seeing as she’s been funemployed for like 8 months now, Hill’s presence cannot be underestimated here. Perhaps more crucially, on the rink Hill allows black to utilize the elusive girls on D system without having to worry about how the draft will fall, seeing as they’ve got both of theirs in hand. So it looks like you’ve got Hill eating minutes and simply not tolerating being on a garbage team while Mikey is the chairman of the analytics department and Jenn is the wealthy alcoholic team owner. With Cup Size narrowly losing in the finals last season, they’ll have something to prove heading into the 2025 campaign.
Untitled Milstein Project
Milstein goes from guy with beard who smokes weed by the scorer’s box to the newest of D5 captains. Both positions are highly prestigious but it appears that he is looking to make some big moves. First off, he’s already sent me multiple emails asking for clarifications on obscure draft rules so clearly he’s taking it more seriously than past captains who have drafted off of a post-it note (Campbell) or completely hammered (too many to count). After adding Fitzgerald to the squad as a supplemental pick that I’ve been assured will help with lots of draft prep (I don’t think anyone actually believes this), there are rumors abound regarding what could be the biggest brand-name acquisition since Exxon-Mobil or AOL-Time Warner. Let’s hope this works out better for him than that one did for Time Warner as I’d wager many of the people in this league at this point probably don’t even know what the hell AOL is. But while the details are still being worked out, the D5 Gazette can indeed confirm that there have been preliminary talks between Milstein and McGinty for the sale and transfer of the purple franchise and all related IP. Will he acquire Jack or Annie’s services for this final season as part of the deal? We’ll find out tonight at 8:15 PM or possibly in the 24 hour trade window to follow. Stay tuned.
Yet Another Jewish Team (This One w/ Cousins)
When Jenn and I started this league we had a few requirements: good hockey, no bullshit, minimal complaining (there’s already a league for that) and apparently that we were going to make this the most Jewish hockey league that has ever existed outside the Yeshiva circuit. Enter this squad in which, just weeks after asking me if he could play a season with his cousin Reid, Jacob Green gets to lead his own franchise in our first family affair in league history in terms of blood relation and not the people having sex with each other (no White Lotus references pls, I’m still trying to forget). No idea what color they’re choosing, what the team name is going to be or who’s hosting Passover this year but unlike most teams which start out with a forward or two and have to sort out their goaltending and defense, this one will already have a goalie and a solid defender locked up and will look to build a solid all around team with a late 1st and early 2nd round pick. With Jacob Green now a sturdy vet of nine D5 seasons and Reid partying in Mykonos when I called him last year to waive his NTC to accept a one for one trade for Yehuda (an ignominy that knows no bounds), I think this team will surprise people this season. Mazel!
The Milkmob
Fall 2024 was one of the most electric debut seasons this league has ever seen as white cemented themselves as America’s team, complete with cowbells and insane milking celebrations. Their opponents may not have loved it but I certainly enjoyed it immensely from the scorer’s box and there’s no doubt they won the hearts of the fans. Up top, Jordan bring a steady hand and sense of quiet confidence to the bench while Joe brings everything except the quiet, riling up the team to levels never before seen or thought possible in a ball hockey league. I don’t know who’s the GM, who’s the team owner or if they employ any sort of analytics in their draft room aside from “draft savages” but Milkmob is a surefire bet to be the loudest bench in the league this season with a strong chance to improve on last season’s first round playoff exit.
Red
Red usually puts together a very solid squad, led by Campbell’s expertise in analytics, Tarnow’s many years in this league and Nate’s…well, I’m actually not 100% sure what role Nate plays which is somewhat concerning seeing as he’s technically the actual captain of this squad. Maybe he’s the one who picks the bands the teams are named after each season? One things for certain: he’s definitely the one preaching the eponymous Nate Lerner system – world famous, often imitated but never duplicated (especially in yelling from the bench, although Fazio will certainly try). Whatever the case may be, with Campbell jumping in net for his first season as a full-time goalie since he himself was a captain in Spring 2019, you can count on two things from red: they’ll field a solid team, and Nate will never be on time.
Meat Team
Hicks has yet to pick a color and honestly it’s totally up in the air what he’s going to do with his team, his draft and really the teams entire season. In years past he’s named a team after a childhood favorite board game, a long island condominium, a shipping company and even something I sometimes say when I see a dirty dangle at D5. He’s captained the yellow team for many years, took over black for Jenn when she started her sabbatical and immediately won the franchise’s only cup before bringing back camo, then an ill fated brown team that always delivered and finally camo again. This offseason he told me he was done captaining only to be convinced to return, either by KG at ice hockey or by his own fears of getting drafted to yet another godawful team. I have no idea how this team is being run in terms of the front office situation; all I know is that KG is already making demands and seems to be more in charge than she was in her years in the Gelman front office while Hicks remains the official team owner and undoubtedly the team steroid supplier. Seriously, this is a guy who I once invited to a brunch party rager and he showed up with bull testicle pills. I wish I could tell you what happened next but I think I irish exited within 30 minutes of that situation. However that ridiculous day party ended, one things for certain; aside from maybe the Milkmob, no team is going to give you the type of celly’s the Meatbox provides year in and year out. Oh dear indeed.
PIe PIe
Never did I think a team would be in this league named after a diabetic cat that was undoubtedly one of America’s fattest felines but it’s 2025, it’s happening and somehow we’ve got multiple people on board for this wild experiment. When Caitlin told me she wanted to captain a team named after this cat I was understandably skeptical. As I discussed this idea more and she made it clear she wanted no real captaining responsibility I quickly realized that what she really craved were the naming rights to the team, but not really captaining in any way. It’s an unheard of arrangement but honestly a pretty solid display of delegating. Enter Danilo, a sturdy D5 veteran and James who’s only been around for a year but seems to know what he’s doing out on the court, even if some of his pre-draft notes from the press box have been downright bizarre. Together they will look to reboot the orange franchise, name it after a deceased cat and lead it to glory. I can’t believe I just wrote that. Might need to move on.
(Insert Sex Verb) (Insert Disgusting Sex Term)
A cousin to the blue franchise both in terms of their propensity for sex-themed nicknames (Clappin’ Cheeks, Layin’ Pipe and Flickin’ Bean were all inspired selections) and their propensity to actually draft good teams, this crew of what one person described as “idiots” (hint: it was unc) rolls into 2025 on the heels of an extremely successful inaugural 2024 run. Although new captains traditionally struggle mightily in year one, this franchise got off to a hot start with a loss in the finals in year one, followed by a summer championship, followed by a first place regular season and an extremely tight OT loss to the eventual champions in November. Ryan may be the face of the franchise, one of the top players in the league and a pretty nice guy, all things considered, but Pete is the more vocal on-ice captain and generally gets to do the bulk of the shittier but ever crucial in-season captain work. Oh, and he’s a fairly decent defenseman as well. Meanwhile Tommy is the behind-the-scenes GM who everyone thinks is the nice guy but quite secretly is easily the most competitive and cutthroat of the trio. With the best pre-draft stalking department in the league, by far the best merch game in NYC and regular season finishes of 2, 2 and 1 in their first three seasons, they have to be considered one of the top franchises in the league entering 2025. You may not like them, but that’s mostly because no one seems to like good teams. Speaking of which…
Some Blue Sex Situation
With 12 straight final four appearances dating back to the pre-covid days when Jack was single, Hicks wasn’t married, Braun was shitting pants and we still went to Dorrian’s every single Tuesday night (no idea how we did it tbh), blue is certainly the model of consistency in a league chock full of turnover every season. This one may be the greatest test of that record yet as the team says goodbye to a franchise icon and the only man besides myself to ever wear the C as well as possibly the best player to ever play in this league, Mr Feder. Other teams in this league are more than happy to see him take his talents to Miami, probably Scott the ref as well as it will severely lighten his expected workload this year. But with Chad and Cardello sticking around for the retool and some potential fireworks in store for the people tonight, it would be a mistake for anyone to underestimate this franchise. Especially when I rig the league every season. Wait, did I write that or just think it? Note to self: never write D5 articles while at Gem Saloon ever again. See ya tonight for what should be our finest draft yet.