1) Sexcellence
Average Rank: 2.50
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 5
Standard Deviation: 1.85
1st Place Votes: 4 of 8
Comments: Blue opens the season at #1 in the power rankings despite losing in the semis last season and returning a remarkably similar roster. Either rankers think the overall quality of teams has dropped league-wide or they think this is the safest bet on the board. It’s probably a little of both but there’s no doubt that with Brooke joining the front office, Chad recovered from appendicitis, Sophia revitalized and a league best D-core, its championship or bust for this season’s best looking team (very obvious, not up for debate).
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“I don’t know what happened in Nashville, but suddenly Brooke is a Blue team truther and I don’t like it one bit. Whenever you start a draft with Frey, Brooke, and Chad (yes I know he was the first player drafted, but he was essentially a supp, just not on paper) you basically get to call yourself an elite team from the get go. Furthermore, Frey never has a bad draft, so I automatically assume the rest of his picks were good value. This reinforces my view that this is the best team in the league, provided Chad doesn’t pick up anymore diseases.”
“Very fast roster with Chad, Brooke, Mikey, will be hard to play against, can definitely score. But they didn’t get the goalie wildcard like previous similar blue rosters that have won it all.”
“After failing to make the finals in three straight seasons, Alex rigged the MLB to get the second overall pick in the D5 draft so he could still pick Chad and add 2026 Spring ROTY Brooke Gary to the blue leadership core. Admittedly, the vibes have never been higher. Sophia is going to see more team defense than she has in her entire D5 career between Frey, Mikey and Shane. Will need Blue to throw multiple team dinners around playoffs.”
2) Red Bunny
Average Rank: 3.50
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 6
Standard Deviation: 1.69
1st Place Votes: 1 of 8
Comments: For years red has been called to the Carolina Hurricanes of D5. Well, the Canes finally got over the hump and won their first cup since 2006; can this red core do the same? They’ve got a lot of returning favorites but perhaps the biggest change from the past two seasons is throwing Campbell in net where he’ll look to return to his perch as the top goalie in the league. You never know how these seasons will shake out but as far as I’m concerned (and clearly the rest of the rankers as well), this is the best red team since last spring’s President’s Trophy winning squad and honestly probably even better than that.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Balanced roster with decent offensive upside, strong D and goaltending. If the scoring comes then very solid.”
“Campbell in net, Zach Galifinakis and the rest of the red squad will score plenty, Nate Lerner system will ensure strong d, solid girls and a potential asian(his words not mine) sleeper. Teams got it all.”
“People don’t talk enough about Kevin Tuohy being a prisoner of the Red Team. He’s back. Tarnow-Nate on D. Campbell in net. The base is there for a deep run. Laporte was great for them in the summer and Maeve had a great summer season, too. If Simba Chen lives up to the hype, Red Bunny could be your fall champs.”
3) Bruger King
Average Rank: 4.13
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 8
Standard Deviation: 2.85
1st Place Votes: 1 of 8
Comments: After two cups in their first two seasons, Hockey At Glatt’s had by far their worst campaign in the summer as they not only failed to win a cup, they didn’t even win a playoff game. They are thus embarking on the rebrand heard round the world as Glatt’s is out, Bruger King is apparently in. And they look to be much better this season as this draft was significantly improved with Sanchick coming back to shore up a defense that will desperately need him as Zuck is out post-surgery until October. With two of the top players in the league this team is always a threat and now that they have some actual depth once again its not surprising to see them ranked among the league’s elite.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“They’ve got the Glatts guys, I’m not sure the depth they picked up are the right complementary pieces for this team, but they’ll still be one of the hardest outs in the league.”
“After a down season from Glatt and Wardle (less than 30 points each) and the franchise’s first playoff loss, the captains of Glatts did a lot of soul searching. What came out of that was a strategy to draft their own at real value, acquire a D core that moved with pace (s/o Mike fuckin’ Agaby) and rebrand to a color that made the team look faster. Sanchick and Arvonio make their returns off of sabbatical. Drafting Hilary and Meg Brice allows Wardle and Glatt to maximize ice time while not sacrificing goals against. Two words to put the league on notice: Tony Sciarrotta, first line winger. Glatts to lift the cup again.”
“Their bench got a grand total of two games of decent playing time last year. Turns out that was way too much.“
4) Sgt. Siwash
Average Rank: 4.25
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 7
Standard Deviation: 2.19
1st Place Votes: 1 of 8
Comments: Another surprising offseason rebrand for one of the league’s top teams as camo is back as a beer drinking duck who served in World War II and apparently kicked the asses of multiple Japanese ducks. It’s somewhat ridiculous but really no more than Hootie & The Doug Fish and with a roster featuring a bunch of players returning from last season’s surprise championship squad (including Player Of The Year runner-up Lucas), no one should be surprised to see them competing for another title this fall.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Lucas is the GOAT. I promise to have Mel and Lucas on the same line at some point, just for size disparity.”
“A similar vibe to last seasons team that was pretty dominant, but no Ken who is a huge possession driver. They’ll score, but can they defend and can Doug continue improving his play if his team isn’t as tight in front of him?”
“This team proved itself after pulling off a championship in its first run of the franchise. Hats off. And I know I am repeating myself here, but I am probably ranking them too low. That said, their draft comp wasn’t as sweet this season and I don’t see a Mason level steal like they managed last season. They of course have Lucas who isn’t just an elite player under normal circumstances, but has been working off the new dad strength and is nearly unstoppable right now. “
5) The Big Green
Average Rank: 4.50
Highest Rank: 2
Lowest Rank: 9
Standard Deviation: 2.27
Comments: It’s potentially the last ride for Jake & Mo, longtime league members, co-captains and Fall 2024 champs with the Grassholes (along with a few other cups as non-captains). If this truly is the final season for the green franchise, they’re going out in style with a loaded squad featuring one of the best top units in the league with Shua, Emma, Amit and Ariel and more depth than in seasons past. If the bottom of the lineup can keep up and even provide some depth scoring and Will regains his spring form that netted him the Vezina, this might be this season’s dark horse contender.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“I believe Shua would have been the 1st overall pick in this year’s draft if he was on the draftboard. He’s the complete player. Runs hard, has speed, plays a 2 way game, has filthy hands, and an elite hockey IQ. On the small D5 surface I think he will thrive. Add in Emma and you have 2/3 of what could be the best line in D5. The only question is who will be the third player on that line? I could see the Carl/Tyler tandem earning that sport and never looking back. Add in solid goaltending from Will, and D from Jake, Amit, and of course, Ariel, and you have the makeup of Green’s best team since their inaugural championship season.”
“Emma and Shua, disgusting.”
“Who is Shua?”
6) Revenge of the Pie Pie
Average Rank: 5.88
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 11
Standard Deviation: 3.04
1st Place Votes: 1 of 8
Comments: The Jefferies/Pie Pie Merger from last season has officially closed and rolls on to much acclaim as they return all of last season’s finance bros and add the lone holdout, Gianfranco from HR. They’ve also promised to put the league on their backs when it comes to pre and post-game boozing, which is easy to believe if you saw their performance last season. Most believe this will be a Mendoza-line type of team but with the speed and top end talent on the roster you really never know.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“It’s hard to comment on this team because, after an entire season, I still can’t tell the Jeffries boys apart. Apparently one of them smokes cigars before games, which is a storyline I somehow completely missed all season. As far as I’m concerned, they’re basically clones of the same person. That said, they have Craig, James, and Danilo, which, if you remove all other factors, is about as good of a core as you can ask for. We also know Craig is about to lock in after spending a season trapped in the disastrous Show Bobs experiment. Now he’s back with the group that helped him put up 22 goals in the spring. This might be another team I ranked too low. We’ll see.”
“More scoring will be had by the JCOC (Jefferies Corporate Outing Crew) than any other financial entity in the city.”
“This team resembles Orange of the spring that went undefeated (but did not make the championship). Jeffries guys solid, likely have awesome team chemistry. Having Craig not be miserable whenever he is on the ice should have him putting up banner season.”
“I think someone ‘s going to throw up on the bench this season. At least it won’t be Craig from watching his own team play.”
7) Pinky Promise
Average Rank: 6.63
Highest Rank: 3
Lowest Rank: 11
Standard Deviation: 2.26
Comments: Pink’s best draft in a while and it comes with Tommy joining the front office. Coincidence? Obviously not. Rankers are understandably skeptical about this team and I don’t know if they have the scoring punch to take on the league’s elite but Yehuda finally drafted defense and in my somewhat biased opinion thats the most important position in D5. The floor is much higher than previous years, even if it’s fair to question the ceiling.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Really defensive, great goalie, but who is scoring goals for them?”
“Tough D to play against, good goalie and solid girls. Will need to generate offense by committee — Simon and Pete have bombs from the point and they have a lot of good forwards, but not really an elite play driver.”
“Phenomenal drafting strategy was employed by Yehuda and the RENs: draft as many people that Peter/Tommy have gotten in a fight with as possible. Not a hard task, but pink will likely be the league leaders in both pim and penalties drawn. Simon and Peter holding down defense in front of Tyler, and the fuchs mitches line playing defensive offense, pink will be extremely hard to score on, but unless yehuda finally has his scoring breakout season in his 15th season, pink may struggle with scoring more than 3 goals per game.”
8) The Dolly Pranksters
Average Rank: 7.75
Highest Rank: 3
Lowest Rank: 10
Standard Deviation: 2.25
Comments: After two of the most successful seasons in franchise history the Pranksters have embarked on a rebrand in honor of the late Dolly Parton. They’ve been ranked near the bottom of the inaugural power rankings each of the past two seasons but made the final four both times with summer marking their first championship appearance in franchise history. With a new name but the same general ethos and big three in the front office, tie dye will look to take the next step this fall, even if rankers continue to doubt them season after season.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Gelman (probably with help from Satok) has finally unlocked the concept that defense wins championships. Another squad that got a top goalie and will have good D surrounding him. Anthony has quickly risen in the league’s ranks as a top D and he is only getting better. Nate + Mikey tandem will be a strong 2nd D in that group. A little concerned about the 2nd half of their draft which is why I have them ranked so low.”
“Feel wrong putting them here, but whatever. I still like this team.”
“A very classic pranksters team. That’s not a bad thing. I think they’re solid, I have them slotted here just cause I think the other teams are better but this team could easily outperform expectations.”
9) Cookie Monsters
Average Rank: 8.00
Highest Rank: 2
Lowest Rank: 11
Standard Deviation: 3.16
Comments: The usually reliable purple team enters this season with their lowest preseason ranking in franchise history. There’s always a solid floor with Carl in net but the support system may not be what it used to be with a bit of a patchwork defense and a lot of new players. They could certainly outperform this ranking but it seems the public (and I) would be surprised to see a final four run unless Carl goes god-mode like he did in the spring, which could certainly happen.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“I always like Milstein’s drafts. Focused on offense and skill early, picked up D late. A lot will swing on rookie Carter Chasson.”
“Would be higher, but Oskar attendance is dog poopy. Carter ROTY candidate.”
“Curious how Mr. Milstein expects to win a chip with maybe three true defensemen? Going to be asking a lot of players to be selfless and buy into the Milstein system. Cannot wait until he asks Sam Bodner to play line 3 wing – from personal experience that is going to go so well. Vanliga halsningar, Carl.”
10) The Golden Gods
Average Rank: 9.38
Highest Rank: 6
Lowest Rank: 11
Standard Deviation: 1.73
Comments: Based on comments from rankers this team seems to be getting docked heavily due to the underperformance of last season’s yellow team and being compared unfavorably to them. It’s fair to question the efficacy of tandems in high value draft slots but this looks like a high floor roster with a resurgent Cam in net who’s been on two second place regular season teams in a row with one cup. If rookie Ali Ahn makes a run for the Calder and Ryan doesn’t forget how to play hockey on his monthlong sojourn in Europe, this team will surprise.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“If last season’s tandem team didn’t work, I don’t know why this one would.”
“Will probably be fun to play for but without Levine all season they’ll do poorly enough in regular season that I don’t think Ryan will be able to win them enough games in playoffs.”
“When Campbell’s in this team will be competitive. When he’s not available, the other half of the Campbell Tandem will have big shoes to fill.”
11) Chocolate MilkMob (Sponsored by Oreos)
Average Rank: 9.50
Highest Rank: 7
Lowest Rank: 11
Standard Deviation: 1.31
Comments: Ok, so the core of this team has had a rough couple seasons, no doubt about it. Still, I’m surprised at this ranking. True, there are a lot of whispers that Hicks cares more about Taco Bell and creative bottle service sign slogans than actually running (spoiler alert: he never much cared about that at all) or that a Milk Team can’t make it without the Milkman (a far more valid concern). There are certainly reservations to be had but I think this team will for sure outperform this ranking with a solid core of Jo, Bedsy, Horton, the leadership group and the Goalie Wild Card to boot. As long as they go to the bar after and not before games, I don’t think they’ll struggle nearly as much as everyone else seems to believe they will.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“I could be way too low on this team, and if they get a top goalie for the wild card every week then they’ll certainly be competitive. I just worry that their playing styles won’t gel — can they figure out how to attack and defend as a unit?“
“Jordan had a generational run at OC last weekend. First he scored top cheese from the slot with 4 seconds left in game 1 of the round robin play to win 1-0, and then he had one of the best one-Ts to hit top corner in OT to send GSA to the finals. This was all against the backdrop of him becoming incoherent at Seacrets. If he can keep that up, then I royally fucked up this ranking. Same story as a lot of these teams. They did well in the first half of their draft. Jo was the obvious pick, Bedsy is a great anchor D, they got the Wild Card goalie, so they basically can use Carl, Tyler, or Sonj whenever they want, Hicks and Berky are great on the offensive side of the ball, and they have arguably the strongest group of ladies by collection. They are only 9th in my ranks because this season’s parity is making these rankings hard to place.“
“If this team sucks we may never see Hicks again.”