Thanks to all our esteemed rankers who take time out of their workdays to fill out this poll, no matter how brutal/graphic things are getting at the office.
As Tony Soprano once said – beautifully put. Onto the ranks…
1) The Smurfs
Average Rank: 1.20
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 2
Standard Deviation: 0.45
1st Place Votes: 4 of 5
Comments: Funnily enough, the above numbers are exactly how blue was ranked in the first edition of these power ranks all the way back on April 20 (if you don’t remember that, chances are you were as high when you read them as I was when I wrote them). There have been ups and downs throughout the season but they finish with a 5th Presidents Trophy in 6 seasons, a 10th straight final four and a strong chance to pick up their 2nd straight title, even with Sammy taking zero supplementary picks this time around.
Comment From Anonymous Ranker:
“Cardello looking to lead his team to victory and a possible conn smythe. Uncfortunately there will be a goalie in the opposite net, so his chances might be skim slim.”
2) Merry Pranksters
Average Rank: 2.60
Highest Rank: 2
Lowest Rank: 3
Standard Deviation: 0.55
Comments: I’ve been bullish on this team since draft day and Gelman gets handsomely rewarded this season for the most complete team of his entire tenure as captain. And with rumors swirling that he’s going back into the draft pool next season, this may be his last and best chance to capture that elusive D5 title with the Pranksters. As long as there aren’t any religious holidays to distract him and Jo and Burning Man isn’t moved to late June, they’re going to be an extremely tough out in the tournament.
Comment From Anonymous Ranker:
“Tried to change my email password to Prank$t3rs but google said it was too weak. This team went from lovable beasts to dirty goalie runners who write Taylor Swift lyrics in birthday cards. Herman definitely wipes side to side, Jeff Green bangs with his socks on and Jo rooted for Drago in Rocky 4.”
3) Clappin’ Cheeks
Average Rank: 2.80
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 5
Standard Deviation: 1.64
1st Place Votes: 1 of 5
Comments: The highest scoring team in league history picks up the #2 seed after yellow and tie dye inexplicably lose their last four combined games. Their goal differential is an insane +30 but a lot of that was in the violent beatdowns they repeatedly gave red for stealing their team name. Cheeks were certainly clapped in that anticlimactic trilogy but were they able to save any clappin’ for the playoffs or will their dreams get derailed by rumors of poor attendance come June 25? Pete’s been doing rain dances at every strip club within a 40 mile radius just in case.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“This team can score, but is dead. Everybody is gone on championship day, but by default will be in the top 4. Unless a miracle happens with rain, Ridzik’s max bet loses again. In other words, grass is green, the sky is blue, and The Boogeyman checks under his bed for Cardello at night.”
“The most electrifying group in league history. What a team.” (editor’s note: clearly written by someone on Cheeks)
4) Mel’s Power Trip
Average Rank: 4.20
Highest Rank: 3
Lowest Rank: 6
Standard Deviation: 1.10
Comments: I wrote after the draft that this is a high floor, low ceiling team and after a season that saw them finish with the least goals scored and the last goals allowed in the league for a respectable 4th place finish, I feel fully vindicated in this assessment. Pelletier presumably returning for the playoffs after an 8 game hiatus will surely help matters but this teams success relies entirely on defense and goaltending. Defense does win championships, but I’m not sure if it will here.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“They play great defense but can they get enough playoff scoring? If they do the results will be yehudiful.”
“Sold out her dignity and self worthiness just to fail to finish higher than Levine in the standings for just one season. I’ll hand it to her, built a semi-decent team, but these guys couldn’t score in a whore house with a stack of $100’s. Team is all Swedish and I piss harder than Yehuda shoots.”
5) Oh, Deer!
Average Rank: 6.00
Highest Rank: 4
Lowest Rank: 7
Standard Deviation: 1.22
Comments: The complete antithesis of yellow, camo is capable of literally anything. One game they’re giving up 7 goals and Hicks is ready to jump in the East River, the next they’re winning by 5 and Hicks is ready to jump in the East River but this time it’s 4 AM and he’s blackout drunk from the victory celebration. Fitz has proven to be close to his ideal linemate and Simon has found his game in net at the perfect time. The highest variance team in the league and a darkhorse for a deep playoff run.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Without Tom and Hicks, idk where this team would be other than the bottom of the standings, but because they have them and did beat black, they have a shot.”
“Fitz-Hicks is actually terrifying. I think they’ll surprise some people playoff wise if they can get a little help from their depth.”
6) Julie’s Football Club
Average Rank: 6.20
Highest Rank: 5
Lowest Rank: 8
Standard Deviation: 1.30
Comments: Pretty much the same exact same team as yellow, but with better women. Orange will look to grind teams down and win on the strength of a Cherie/Tash/Kev led defense and Zisser’s heroics in goal. Of course, Zisser has his company party tonight and what shape he rolls up to the rink in will play a huge role in what happens to JFC tonight. A better season from this group than most expected but they will have to play their best to make it to night two of the playoffs.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“I can’t take the Lord’s name in vain but JFC stands for something else because this team is too talented to not have a bye.“
“Maybe waiting til round 4 to take their first guy was not the game-changing strategy they thought it was.”
7) Mojo Jojo
Average Rank: 7.20
Highest Rank: 3
Lowest Rank: 9
Standard Deviation: 2.49
Comments: Green played two games in April, then had to wait a full four weeks to play their next one because of multiple rainouts that somehow only took place on their gamenights. And yet, after some insanely bad puck luck early in the season, they enter the playoffs on a roll with three wins in their last four games over the 3, 4 and 5 seeds and some pretty solid metrics as, although they may be the 9 seed, their goal differential ranks 5th. The roster tonight is light but like camo, this team is capable of anything. If they can give Corey some run support in what has been a career year for the suavest goalie in the league, they can take on anyone.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Bad draw against red, can’t say much bad about this team other than they were bad.”
“Underrated team caught fire in the last few games. Don’t underestimate them.”
T8) The Hart Foundation
Average Rank: 7.40
Highest Rank: 5
Lowest Rank: 9
Standard Deviation: 1.52
Comments: Pink’s tough luck continues as, after a season plagued by brutal attendance and their goalie quitting the day before the season started, Miles is out for tonight. And since they used him to take down gold last week, they aren’t eligible for a playoff exemption. There is still a lot of talent, speed and tenacity on this roster so I wouldn’t necessarily count them out, but it will take an incredible team effort from them to overcome the loss of their 1st rounder for two playoff games this evening. That said, if they do somehow pull it off, no one is going to want to face them in the final four.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Everything finally clicked for them on Tuesday but with Miles missing the first week of playoffs they’re even more cooked than their goalie situation each season.”
“Jake got royally fucked with no goalie but I’d rather watch a hobo jerk off in the 96th street bathroom than sit through this team playing twice on Tuesday. My balls dangle better than half of this team but hey, hockey’s not for everyone I guess…”
T8) Red Cheeks
Average Rank: 7.40
Highest Rank: 5
Lowest Rank: 9
Standard Deviation: 1.82
Comments: Red traded their 1st round pick to draft their friends and load up on depth but it resulted in a goal differential that ranked 2nd worst in the league. Jacob has been excellent in his games that didn’t take place against Clappin’ Cheeks and if he gets hot, a couple playoff wins are certainly possible. But with The Milkman currently in Alaska, the young guns Carter & Luka (combined age less than Ariel’s) will have to pick up the scoring and screaming load if they’re going to have any chance of advancing.
Comment From Anonymous Ranker:
“I’m always a sucker for Nate coached teams and they’re not as bad as their beatings they took. Literally black went no spit, no lube, sandpaper finish right up their back door for three straight games and accounted for half of their goals against. I wouldn’t bet against Jacob as he can get hot. Don’t sleep on red.“
10) The Golden Girls
Average Rank: 10.00
Highest Rank: 10
Lowest Rank: 10
Standard Deviation: 0
Comments: Unsurprising that this team was ranked last as they are already eliminated from the playoffs. I actually think this team could have done some damage had everyone shown up to games but attendance is the great equalizer in D5 and this team was missing both of their captains last week for an obscure Jewish holiday I just learned existed. For one glorious night this season, they had a full roster show up and beat down on shorthanded blue and green squads. Unfortunately they needed 8 nights of that like Chanukah but instead what they got was a New Years where the clock struck midnight and the defense turned into a pumpkin. In a past edition of the power rankings some unnamed poet wrote that “there aren’t enough rabbis on this earth tefillin the holes left on this roster.” I’m just going to leave it at that.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Like, they did know we were playing hockey right? It’s the little orange thing and it goes into the red cage looking thing that’s 4×6…”
“Is there a D6? That’s where this team should be playing next season. #MinskyOut #SellTheTeam”