1) Untitled Blue Team
Average Rank: 1.20
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 2
Standard Deviation: 0.45
1st Place Votes: 4 of 5
Comments: Just days after winning the franchises 2nd cup, blue gets ranked #1 in the preseason power poll. Fans will no doubt cite various rigging conspiracies, as is tradition, but with no supplementary picks to blame this time around they should instead wonder how Annie, just one season removed from winning player of the year with 17 points (including an electric four goal game), slipped to the last pick of the 4th round. People will just never learn.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Very well built team, can’t argue with that.”
“Sam/Chad/Phelps/Annie. I’d put this team at 75% to win championship.”
2) The Hart Foundation
Average Rank: 4.20
Highest Rank: 2
Lowest Rank: 7
Standard Deviation: 1.92
Comments: Pink traded up for the 2nd overall pick without even knowing Miles was playing, only for him to register the day of the draft. Sometimes, things just work out. Between him, Stern and Kittridge there is going to be a lot of scoring on this team but their season will likely live and die with Dan, the new goalie who no one in D5 has ever seen play hockey. Joe seemed to indicate this guy was a savage partier which means he’s either going to join the Zisser/Phelps/Jeff Green triumvirate of top deranged goalies or will miss months at a time on a wild bender. Only time will tell.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Who is that goaltender? Had them higher til I saw that.”
“I literally never know what to write about this team. They seem pretty solid, I’ll go with fifth.“
T3) Mojo Jojo
Average Rank: 4.40
Highest Rank: 2
Lowest Rank: 7
Standard Deviation: 2.41
Comments: The once proud green franchise rises from the ashes of the Yehuda/Glanzer years led by what will likely be the best powerplay in the league, Neil-Satok-Brita-Ariel-Danilo. Rankers may think they’re top heavy but that wasn’t enough to keep them out of the top 3. Corey will also look to build on his best season since his rookie one in Spring 2021. There are a wide range of outcomes here but championship winner is certainly among them.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Frey knows how to draft well and this green team shows just that. They have two very solid dmen and lots of scoring with Neil and Satok on the team. Their bottom players are tough but they should be in the top 4 at the end of the season.”
“Very top heavy.“
T3) Mel’s Power Trip
Average Rank: 4.4
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 6
Standard Deviation: 2.07
1st Place Votes: 1 of 5
Comments: Mel almost fled the city when she found out she had the last pick in the draft but it worked out pretty nicely with a balanced roster featuring offense, defense and the ability to use any goalie in the league. I have some concerns about their firepower but this strikes me as a classic high floor team. How high their ceiling is remains to be seen.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Someone told me (I forget who) that yellow was stacked at Dorrian’s and now I can’t shake the thought that they might be and I’m just not seeing it. Would have them lower if not for that comment.” (EDITOR’S NOTE: this is how we’re power ranking teams now? By half-spoken, half-remembered comments at Dorrian’s? God help us all.)
“This team has talent, but will the management drive them to the top, or bury them like Liang on the rebound? My guess is that it will be their downfall, but boy am I excited for the Mel-Yehuda dynamic, which will peak when Yehuda asks if his Tinder girl can sit on the bench with the team.“
5) Clappin’ Cheeks
Average Rank: 4.60
Highest Rank: 2
Lowest Rank: 7
Standard Deviation: 2.79
Comments: The league’s newest franchise got off to an early bang, winning the draft lottery and the right to pick 1st in their inaugural draft. Surely no player has ever seen his draft stock surge in a single night the way Jack did after scoring eight goals, including two separate hat tricks, in a single playoff night. Now he finally gets to be picked first, an honor he has long told me he deserves, and lands on his type of team: absolutely stacked offense, defense TBD later. I have no idea how this team will do but one things for sure: this team is going to score A LOT. Unsurprisingly, they boast the highest standard deviation in the ranks. The complete opposite of yellow: low floor, high ceiling.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“This is just mildly watered down yellow from last season. Will be good.”
“Jack is the only reason they aren’t last.“
6) Red Cheeks
Average Rank: 6.00
Highest Rank: 3
Lowest Rank: 10
Standard Deviation: 2.74
Comments: Somehow 20% of teams in this league have Cheeks in their name. I have no idea how this happened but the leagues first Cheeks Bowl should be appointment viewing. Red traded out of the first round so that they could basically reformulate the Sandy Cheeks and they will be deep and quick, as usual. I’m not totally sold on the roster construction but it would be folly to count this team out when they have so much experience; they’ve earned the benefit of the doubt. They better all get used to the Nate Lerner System really quickly or it’s going to quickly just devolve into a lot of yelling. To be fair though, yelling is a crucial part of the system.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“With largely the same roster as last year’s President’s Trophy winning team, it would be a huge diss to count them out so early.”
“Does this team ever change their roster? Regular season merchants.”
7) Merry Pranksters
Average Rank: 1.89
Highest Rank: 4
Lowest Rank: 9
Standard Deviation: 1.05
Comments: Although I am certainly no stranger to giving it to Gelman for his propensity to just draft linemates for himself so he can score a ton or for his personal choices, I was actually the highest of all the power rankers on this team. In my opinion this was his most solid top-to-bottom draft. In obviously related news, this was the most involved KG has been in any of the Pranksters drafts. I think it’s fair to wonder if this team can really hang with the league’s best as Pranksters squads usually dismantle the bottom teams then get dismantled themselves against the top ones, but I think this is a top six team at worst and possibly top four.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“I don’t hate it, but I also don’t think Gelman can manage a quality team.”
“As fun as they will be, the depth just isn’t there. And even more importantly, will the Robin/Robyn tandem be confusing? It will for me.“
8) Oh, Deer!
Average Rank: 7.00
Highest Rank: 5
Lowest Rank: 10
Standard Deviation: 2.12
Comments: I am similarly higher on Oh, Deer than anyone else despite the fact that their logo features a buck with my face on it getting shot in the ass by a bearded mountain man Hicks (it’s the stuff of nightmares tbh). I think a lot of the ranking uncertainty comes from the fact that after a certain point in the draft, Hicks decided it was 2 AM at the craps pit and only drafted unknown rookies, leading to a ton of variance on this team. If they end up struggling to adapt to D5, it could be a long season for camo. If even one or two of them end up being draft steals, this team will contend.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Hicks will win games by himself on random Fridays and they have good goalie.”
“I’m looking at the draft board and I have no idea what happened here tbh.“
9) The Golden Girls
Average Rank: 7.80
Highest Rank: 3
Lowest Rank: 10
Standard Deviation: 2.77
Comments: An overall solid draft for gold but rankers don’t seem to be impressed. Minsky’s lack of passing has become almost as big a subplot as Yehuda’s lack of passing, although it’s far easier to justify when you finish 2nd in the league in goals. Whether the Moskowitz Bros are able to make games will likely tell the story of the season – last season’s Golden Calfs were undefeated with Max in net and a totally different team with Joe in the lineup. Oh, and their top ladies are Ellie and Amanda…they’ll have to figure that one out. To be fair it did work out well in Spring 2023.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“After drafting a total of two defenseman last season, Gold clearly learned their lesson by loading up on D. Literally, this team is a sausage fest, probably because they waited as long as possible to draft their women. But regardless, this is a strong, deep team with very few holes (again, literally). And say what you want about Minsky’s passing, but at least when it mattered most, he passed- on drafting Yehuda, that is.”
“I think this team will have some trouble. Their top two guys are heavy shot takers. I’m not sure who’s going to pass on this team. Maybe Max to his dmen? I have no idea.”
10) Julie’s Football Club
Average Rank: 9.00
Highest Rank: 7
Lowest Rank: 10
Standard Deviation: 1.05
Comments: Six calendar years and 15 drafts in, it’s a rare thing for me to see a truly new strategy emerge in a D5 draft. But orange did just that this season as they did not draft their first male forward/dman until the 4th round, opting for ladies and goalie instead. It’s a build that will probably lead them to be one of the league’s top defensive teams, but they’ll need to score by committee to give Zisser any type of run support. This is by far the most even slate of teams I’ve seen post draft in many years so it actually wouldn’t surprise me if this team ended up being great. But for now, rankers are skeptical of orange, as is tradition.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“I’m not sure what to think of this team. No real scoring threat. I have been wrong in the past though.”
“They clearly have the best ladies in the league, but they also have Zisser, which is like investing in a really nice jacuzzi but then also buying a cheap toaster to use in it. I have faith in Julie and Tash’s leadership to keep this team in check, but even with the duumvirate firing on all cylinders, I don’t think this team is stacked enough to finish at the top.“