1) Clappin’ Cheeks
Average Rank: 1.58
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 4
Standard Deviation: 0.90
1st Place Votes: 7 of 12
Comments: They dropped their first game 3-2 but since then have ripped off two wins by a combined scored of 17-1. That sort of goal differential is almost definitely unsustainable but as the guy who named this team after a truly disgusting story about Ryan’s sex life, I feel confident saying that many more cheeks will be clapped this season. The question is whether they’ll play enough defense to clap in the playoffs or end up like that poor girl in Connecticut instead.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Everyone better watch their behinds cuz we’re coming to clap anything that moves.”
“This team is more polarizing than the upcoming U.S. presidential election. #Levine&Guiffre2024“
“17 goals in a 2 game span. 7-0 massacre of Blue. But the most special thing about this team is their absolutely sensational vibes. It’s only been 3 games, but many people are already asking when the statue will be erected. P.S. – a statue isn’t the only thing being erected when I watch this team play.”
2) The Smurfs
Average Rank: 2.25
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 4
Standard Deviation: 1.06
1st Place Votes: 3 of 12
Comments: The Smurfs have already played seven games this season because multiple teams didn’t want to cross the Red Sea to play during Passover Week and one other wanted to start their season May 14. And yet despite some iffy attendance, they’re 6-1 and Chad/Annie are the likely scoring champ and ladies scoring champ. Certainly an elite squad but the blowout loss to Cheeks and a possible injury to Phelps bump them down to #2 this week.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“It was always them. Sam continues to rip it up, and as long as Phelps takes fewer shots before the game than during the game, they’ll keep winning. Needless to say, Annie in the 4th round is a greater robbery than the estate tax. And how have they played 7 games already?”
“I haven’t seen a goalie get this fucked up on a game day since Ed Belfour.”
3) Mel’s Power Trip
Average Rank: 3.92
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 7
Standard Deviation: 1.68
1st Place Votes: 1 of 12
Comments: Mel got roasted for using the entire draft clock on pretty much every pick and to be fair her indecisiveness isn’t that surprising considering she a) actually had to draft herself this year and b) almost quit before it started. But against all odds and despite drafting Yehuda before double digit rounds hit, she did end up putting together a pretty solid team. I still have some doubts about their ceiling as they’re only averaging 2.25 goals per game but the defense and goaltending will continue to keep them in games and steal a few along the way.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Solid team with great depth. Mel used every minute of the imaginary draft clock wisely.”
“When you have 20 minutes to make every pick, you end up drafting a pretty solid team.”
“Can this team fucking score? Lame hockey but they are a problem when everyone shows up. Easily can see this roster figuring it out and stringing together a bunch of wins. Also going forward as a rule to any team drafting Keith they must consume at least one keitharita at Dorian’s. Damn near should be a keitharita before every game but I won’t push my luck here.”
“Good team. Will Yehuda complete the transition from skinny woodland sprite who talks too much shit to wise, strong LOTR Ent who wins battles? The answer is no, he won’t.“
4) Merry Pranksters
Average Rank: 4.00
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 6
Standard Deviation: 1.54
1st Place Votes: 1 of 12
Comments: The Pranksters are currently 4-1 and, unlike past tie-dye teams, are winning with a mix of offense, defense and goaltending rather than the standard formula of Gelman and linemate flavor of the week score 6 while giving up 8. Jeff Green carried an absurd 77% win percentage into this season and has backstopped them to the #2 spot in the standings thus far while Maddie is in the midst of a career season with 5 points in 4 games. Not a team anyone wants to see come playoff time and that’s not just because they have more creepy mustaches per capita than any team in the league.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Big statement win over pink. The Jo/Gelman/Maddie line is dominant, but I think they will struggle a lot more in playoffs when teams focus on neutralizing that line.”
“KG built a roster with enough defense and goaltending to allow Gelman to stadpad with his first-round pick while also winning hockey games.”
“If Sam wins the cup this season, I think he should get a tattoo of Jo Robin’s face on his ass. Sorry, another tattoo of Jo Robin’s face on his ass. I could see that happening.“
5) Red Cheeks
Average Rank: 4.17
Highest Rank: 3
Lowest Rank: 5
Standard Deviation: 0.94
Comments: Red went with an interesting build this season and it certainly seemed to work in game one, thanks in no small part to the contribution of the youngest player in league history who texted me from France that he wanted to play in this league on draft day after years of warming up before games then watching grown men shotgun beers in the bleachers. I have some doubts about whether this team can win it all but there’s no denying the first game was incredibly promising. Certainly the deepest team in the league this season, but will speed and depth be enough to overcome a lack of top-end skill? In the words of the zen master – we’ll see.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“If this team was a food they would be unseasoned chicken. A total snoozefest. Nate probably thinks mayo is spicy.”
“Defending first placers have only played one game, so it’s hard to tell, but seriously is that dude in their logo supposed to look like a younger, fitter, more handsome Nate? And did he slap that chick? Domestic abuse is not a joke.”
“The cheek clapper wannabes, who really tried to even out the average age on their team by drafting a pee-wee player. Gotta put ‘em through the Lerner system as early as possible I guess. Very interesting dynamic on this team but I have no doubt the Milkman will hold them together.”
“Does the 17-year-old’s father know anything about this league? Can we see a permission slip or does somebody need to call the Administration for Child Services?“
6) Mojo Jojo
Average Rank: 6.09
Highest Rank: 2
Lowest Rank: 7
Standard Deviation: 1.45
Comments: No one really seemed to know how the hell to rank this green team and it showed as many of the comments were literally people saying they don’t know how to rank this team. What’s strange is before the season they were tied for 3rd in these power ranks; since then, they’ve proceeded to play two games, a one goal win against a very strong pink team and a one goal loss to the 1st place Smurfs. And yet, for their efforts, they drop three spots to #6. Every season there’s one team I plant my flag on as being criminally underrated by the public. This is the one.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Seem solid, a pleasant surprise.”
“Too top heavy for my taste but the top is strong enough that they can beat any team in a single game, but I’d doubt their ability to win a few in a row.”
“They’re a good team, might be better than this but for now its fair to put them here.”
“Idk, big Steph Hamilton fan though.”
7) The Hart Foundation
Average Rank: 6.17
Highest Rank: 3
Lowest Rank: 8
Standard Deviation: 1.53
Comments: The #2 ranked preseason team drops all the way to #7 after a surprising 0-3 start. That said, all three games were against elite teams and all three were extremely tight. The goaltending situation is rough right now and may have prevented pink from getting into a groove but once they figure it out, their combination of speed, skill and grit is going to make them a nightmare playoff matchup. The question is whether they’ll be able to figure it out in time to avoid a nightmare playoff draw themselves.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Been losing super close games but has so much talent and is the team I’m most scared of, especially in the playoffs.”
“They’ve got a lot of guys that do all the little things it takes to win tight games. They’ll be a very tough out in the playoffs.”
“They’ve been disappointing but they got talent. Horrible matchup to pull later in the playoffs but for now have been a disaster for pre-season expectations.”
“I think D-Ro is this team’s top defender and I’ll leave it there.”
8) Julie’s Football Club
Average Rank: 8.09
Highest Rank: 6
Lowest Rank: 10
Standard Deviation: 1.17
Comments: The return of JFC sits comfortably at #8 in the power ranks despite a 2-2 record and a 5th place spot in the standings. After a one year hiatus they’re right back to where Julie teams generally are: great goaltending, great defense, somewhat questionable scoring punch. That said, they’re getting goals by committee and their forward core has a bunch of underrated high IQ players like Jared, Mitch and Merone. The backbone of this team, though, is Zisser in goal with Tash/Cherie rotating on the back-end. If they can keep getting run support, no one would be surprised to see another orange run to the final four. That said, I think a lot of people would be surprised to see it go further than that.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Best female core in the league. Never write off a Julie led team.”
“The best of all the bad teams. But definitely bad. Their captains spent the entire offseason allowing Yehuda to live rent-free inside their heads and it shows.”
9) Oh, Deer!
Average Rank: 9.17
Highest Rank: 8
Lowest Rank: 10
Standard Deviation: 1.27
Comments: Attendance this season has been a complete disaster and Oh Deer’s PR department is working overtime much like their counterparts over at Nickelodeon. Hicks is no doubt shopping for the latest in bull testicle steroid supplements and personally booking Tom Fitz for concerts at an imaginary venue on 95th street, but the bigger issue is allowing 16 goals in just 3 games. There’s a lot of season left but they’ll need to ride a strong second half from Simon and all the players who have yet to show up if they’re going to have any chance of climbing out of Joe Biden’s basement.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Its open season and the whole team is Bambi getting gunned down.”
“A+ logo, C- roster. Duck dynasty, minus the dynasty.“
10) The Golden Girls
Average Rank: 9.25
Highest Rank: 8
Lowest Rank: 10
Standard Deviation: 0.62
Comments: The situation on the Golden Girls is not great as they are winless and Amanda is out for the season. To be fair she still showed up to yell from the bench Tuesday so the overall effect was pretty much the same. On paper, they have a solid roster with the deepest d-core in the league. In practice, there have been way too many breakdowns in front of Max and not enough shots on net from anyone not named Minsky. It’s getting late early for gold and a late night matchup against a shorthanded pink team might be their final stop at the last chance saloon before they’re basically locked in to the play-in round.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers:
“Unlike the Jews in the Passover story, there is no redemption for Gold this Spring Season.”
“They drafted too many forwards in Season 1 and drafted too many defensemen in Season 2. Looking forward to Year 3 when they’re called Goldilocks and finally build a balanced roster.”
“There aren’t enough rabbis on this earth tefillin the holes left on this roster by another drafting disasterclass by Minsky. We might have a Yotes to Utah situation brewing where commissioner Frey has to step in and do right by the league and it’s board of governors. #SellTheTeam #SellTheTeam #SellTheTeam“