D5 Stats That Probably Interest No One (Spring 2023 Edition)

Red Record
Red With Sam:
Red Without Sam: 1-2

Notes: We knew they’d struggle without him but lucky for Nate & Co, Sam came to more games living in Montreal than many people who actually reside in New York. Since his return they’ve gone from below .500 to one of the top teams in the league, where they probably belong. Pretty stark split. But that’s nothing compared to…

Blue Record
Blue With Miles:
Blue Without Miles: 1-3

Notes: Miles will never be able to mount a stronger Hart Trophy case than this. True, all four games he missed were on Fridays so lineup was already somewhat light but still, 6-0 vs 1-3 is a massive difference. Let’s hope he’s around for playoffs.

Hippos Record
First 3 Games: 
Last 7 Games: 

Notes: As Hicks told me last week, the Hippos might end up being the only 8-2 team ever to not get a top 2 seed due to an insane amount of OTs. Extra time or not, 7 straight victories is nothing to sneeze at going into the postseason.

Stern Points Since Quitting The Weed
Spring 2022 & Summer 2022: 13 Games, 6 Goals, 3 Assists, 9 Points
Fall 2022 & Spring 2023: 20 Games, 24 Goals, 7 Assists, 31 Points

Notes: Stern has, quietly at first then not so quietly at all, gone from mid-round value to a possible 1st rounder next season. And it all started when he quit the weed before Fall 2022. Many attributed his jump in production that season to playing with Wes, but this year he proved it was no fluke. True, he got to play with Neil and Tom, but other players around the league play with great players too and they didn’t win the scoring crown. Crazy two year blip or a late career leap? Tune in next season to find out as it appears we may have some turbulence on the horizon.

Uh oh.

Yehuda Stats
First Game Of The Season: 2 Goals
Next Seven Games: 0 Goals, 0 Assists

Notes: After he scored two goals in the Hooligans’ opening game I was receiving near daily texts from him about his position on the scoring list. Fate proceeded to reward him with 0 further points until the final night of the season. Maybe there is a god after all.

Tash Stats
Six Seasons Before 2023: 53 Games, 12 Goals, 7 Assists, 19 Points
Spring 2023: 9 Games, 4 Goals, 9 Assists, 13 Points

Notes: A truly crazy season from the top female drafted who generally doesn’t put up a ton of points but this season won the Ladies’ Scoring Title and became the first lady to ever win the Brian Leetch Award for points by a defender. She also brought her own personal cheering section to the stands on her birthday and scored a goal to give the people what they want. A true banner year for orange and their top player.

Ellie Stats
Two Season With Blue: 14GP, 3G, 11A, 14P
Two Seasons Off Blue: 14GP, 0G, 0A, 0P

Notes: On the other side of the ledger, we have a player who was scoring at a point-per-game pace for her first two seasons, something only three ladies have ever maintained over their D5 careers (Meg, Cheeky & Cara), only to then score a whopping 0 points in her subsequent two seasons. It was one of the great rug pulls of all time, kind of like when the Rangers signed Wade Redden, but worse. I guess playing on the sex team with the likes of sexy people like Sam, Corey, Wes and of course myself brought the best out in her while playing with not as sexy people like Rich did not. Purple did, of course, win the championship last season but that was moreso due to Jack/Miles scoring at an insane rate while Mahoney and Zisser handled the sex for everyone. Generally at this point you would say that if they’re not contributing on the scoresheet at least they’re presumably helping out defensively…except her recent backcheck against former linemate Rob Meehan was such a remarkable occasion it garnered its own YouTube video, one of the highest viewed ones of the entire season. It’s the type of fall from grace that would make OJ Simpson proud of her, as long as he didn’t murder her first. I would maybe consider taking her again, but probably not until round 17 (editors note: the draft is generally 15 rounds).

Leaguewide Scoring
6 Games, 19 Goals, 3.33 Goals Per Game
April & May: 39 Games, 236 Goals, 6.05 Goals Per Game

Notes: The first six games of the season were played with two 19 minute halves which only represents one minute less per game than our standard of three 13 minute periods. That’s literally only 2.6% less playing time. And yet, somehow, goal scoring was down an astonishing 45% in that stretch compared to the rest of the season. It’s especially weird when you consider that the last few minutes of some of those games were so dark that goalies couldn’t really see the ball, leading to goals like this which Ridzik feels shouldn’t count on his GAA and Jack feels belongs on his highlight reel. Yes, they both actually said those things to me this season.

Points Per Game Leaders Since Summer/Fall 2021


Notes: Since Sam and Wes came into the league a few seasons ago, Miles is the only active player with a higher PPG. Guido, Probert, AK and Meg all make the list but are all retired at this point, having moved away to Canada, the west coast or in Probert’s case, to the suburbs of NJ which in some ways feels even further. Corey would have had a chance to crack the top 5 if not for the longest lasting groin injury in the history of hockey.

Joel Teams
Record From Fall 2019-Summer/Fall 2021: 23-11
Record Spring 2022-Spring 2023: 15-25

This last one is a late add due to the somewhat rambling but highly entertaining (and perhaps accurate) note Joel left on his summer registration form in which he examined his own shortcomings as a player and as a person. Joel had a great run to start his D5 career, making it to the final four in 3 consecutive seasons only to lose 63% of his games since. His note is presented below without comment.

Dear Captains:

It is time we face up to certain realities. I have never played in, much less won, a D5 championship. In the words of Taylor Swift: it’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me. I have played for some great captains, in a couple of instances within a season or two of them appearing in, or winning, a D5 ship, including Frey, Jack and Simon. But I was never on those teams. We cannot ignore this any longer. I’m past my prime. Arguably I never had a prime. I’m probably only a couple more years from osteoporosis. Or gout. My most meaningful goal of the season was scored while the goalie was lying on the ground thinking he had the ball. I am bad at hockey. If you’re thinking of taking me, you should definitely be waiting another 7 rounds. If you take me before round 15, may god have mercy on your soul.

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