D5 Power Rankings (Volume V) (Spring 2023)

Welcome to Volume V of the D5 Power Rankings, the final ones before the playoff thunderdome kicks off Tuesday. Methodology is simple; each week I will send a poll to a select group of league insiders (aka people who have nothing better to do but fill out a street hockey survey every week), then I will collate their responses along with my own into these unified ranks. Rankers are asked to weigh both recent performance and playoff projections. This week we had 7 respondents to the poll, all of whom have varying degrees of issues. Then again, if you’re reading these, you probably do too.

1) I Just Blue Myself

Previous Rank: 1 (unchanged)
Average Rank: 1
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 1
1st Place Votes: 7 of 7

Comments: Blue wraps the season with their worst loss of the season to orange and then a six goal effort in a win against purple. Both games were without Miles, but maybe they don’t look quite as dominant as they did in the first few weeks of the season. That said, still unanimously ranked #1 heading into the playoffs and the team to beat, assuming everyone survives Patrizia’s team dinner on Thursday.
Comment From Anonymous Ranker: “Blue has it all. The best overall team with the best record. Very good goalie, very good girls and solid D. They also have Miles who is prob the most clutch player in the league.”

2) Hungry Hippos 2.0

Previous Rank: 2 (unchanged)
Average Rank: 2.71
Highest Rank: 2
Lowest Rank: 5

Comments: That 1-2 record and that 5th place spot in Volume III of the Power Ranks seems like ages ago. Black is coming into the playoffs hot with 7 straight wins on the back of elite scoring from Hicks, Hogg & Satok and elite goaltending from AJ. Is this the year Hicks finally breaks his championship curse? If so, the playoff MVP is testicles.
Comment From Anonymous Ranker: “What Hicks and Hogg lack in beauty they make up for in brains and brawn. By which I mean brawn. Really only brawn.”

3) Chili Peppers

Previous Rank: 5 (up 2)
Average Rank: 3.43
Highest Rank: 2
Lowest Rank: 6

Comments: Before the season everyone knew that this team would struggle when Sam missed games, then go up a level in playoffs when he showed up. Then he missed some games, as promised and they lost a few early ones, as expected, yet people started ranking them low. Very odd. Now that Sam’s been back and producing at a high level, they’re back where they belong in the ranks at #3. Unfortunately they did not help themselves with seeding and now Jeff Green is taking a long trip during playoffs, as is tradition (no word on how much van sex will be involved this time around). A very strong team with high end talent at every position, but having to win four playoff games and having to do so with a sub goalie will be a difficult task.
Comment From Anonymous Ranker: “Sam elevates this team to another level – assuming he’s in for playoffs, they’ll be a force.”

4) Green Street Hooligans

Previous Rank: 4 (unchanged)
Average Rank: 4.14
Highest Rank: 2
Lowest Rank: 6

Comments: Green was ranked middle of the pack basically all season by basically everyone but finish the season with a surprising 2 seed in the standings. To give you an idea how razor-thin the margins in this league are, their season opener was a surprising regulation win over the favored, #1 in preseason power ranks Hippos. Had that win happened in OT, Hippos would be the 2 seed and Hooligans would be the 3. Had they lost in regulation, green would have finished 5th. But what matters is they found a way to win and thus have a spot in the final four. I still don’t know if they can hang with the top three teams in the ranks if Tom is really out for the season, but they’ve proven everyone wrong all year so at this point nothing would surprise me.
Comment From Anonymous Ranker: “I did not really believe in this team on day one but I was wrong. Tom, Stern and Sanchick are a force and Neil already was.”

5) Julie’s Football Club

Previous Rank: 6 (up 1)
Average Rank: 4.43
Highest Rank: 3
Lowest Rank: 7

Comments: Orange ends their season with convincing wins over blue and purple to solidify the 4 seed. The lack of scoring is a concern but the defense is elite and Zisser just wrapped up his first #1 goalie crown a season after winning his second D5 championship. No one’s picking them to go all the way, but no one wants to play them either.
Comment From Anonymous Ranker: “One of the deepest teams in the league, Orange will be able to keep a close game vs any team in the league. Their defense is super solid, and if Amit/Mitch/Dave can provide them with the scoring they need, I can see Orange upsetting and becoming the first team outside the top 4 to win. ” (editor’s note: orange is #4. Yehuda’s issues extend to the realm of reading standings.)

6) The Narwhals

Previous Rank: 3 (down 3)
Average Rank: 5.86
Highest Rank: 4
Lowest Rank: 7

Comments: Purple’s been ranked top 3 all season but now drops to 6 after losing 3 of their last 4 games and, more importantly, losing Annie for the season. They’ll get a playoff exemption to take her place but this loss cannot be overstated. Her going down in Summer/Fall 2021 sunk The Barrel, and that team was better than this one as they had prime Derek along with Wes on a rookie deal. Adam will have to crunch every number there is and Jack and Tom will have to go god-mode if this team is going to make a run to the finals.
Comment From Anonymous Ranker: “Purple isn’t as good as a TEAM as orange, but they have two elite players so they can always be a threat. Losing Annie is a killer. I’d be shocked if they won the whole thing, but on the other hand they could also beat everyone (besides maybe blue).”

7) MelRose Place

Previous Rank: 7 (unchanged)
Average Rank: 6.57
Highest Rank: 5
Lowest Rank: 8

Comments: Similar situation to red with Sam where we knew they would struggle without Wes, and they did. The difference is Wes came to less than half the games Sam did despite living in NYC and it now remains to be seen whether he’ll be available for playoffs. Also Ridzik is slightly injured and while it may not affect his gambling, it remains to be seen if the discomfort will affect his play. Add it all up and it’s tough to see this team winning the four straight games they will need to to win a ship.
Comment From Anonymous Ranker: “Heard DRo and Mel are giving up hockey and coauthoring an illustrated children’s puzzle book called ‘Where’s Westley?'”

8) Shooting Blancs

Previous Rank: 8 (unchanged)
Average Rank: 8.14
Highest Rank: 7
Lowest Rank: 9

Comments: White has been a different team since Cara came back but with some inconsistency and McCauley still questionable, I’m not sure if it’ll be enough to make a splash in the playoffs. They’ll certainly need to get more scoring as they’re the only team in the league to average less than two goals per game. The results of their playoff run also seem to be directly affecting Simon’s captaincy status for next season as he’s on the hot seat like Gerard Gallant, and we all know how that ended. Let’s hope Simon’s better at making in-game adjustments.
Comment From Anonymous Ranker: “If they win the 8/9 game I’m glad Simon’s stick isn’t alive to see the massacre that will happen when red crushes them.”

9) Medium Rare

Previous Rank: 9 (unchanged)
Average Rank: 8.71
Highest Rank: 8
Lowest Rank: 9

Comments: The fact that this roster gave up the most goals this season is not surprising. The fact that this roster scored the 2nd least goals this season is borderline shocking. The talent here is undeniable but it hasn’t really come together all season, aside from a rousing 7-5 win over purple that felt like it was the start of something. That said, playoffs are a clean slate for everyone and this easily the most dangerous 9 seed we’ve ever had.
Comment From Anonymous Ranker: “Cam could be a difference maker here. Testament to how strong the league is that a team with this much offensive talent is ranked so low.”

Leave a Reply