Week 5 Betting Lines (Summer 2023)

Red Zeppelin (EVEN)
The Lavender Llamas (-145)
Over 6.0 (-110)
Under 6.0 (-130)

Notes: There is legit only so much I can write about a slate of games that may or may not happen. This being the first game, it is the most likely to be completed but the entire night will likely be watching the skies during major ass-clench time as sicko gamblers like to call it (I swear that’s really what they call it). Anyways, if this line looks funny it’s because the Weaver Bros are out which is a major blow to red as they have not just provided elite secondary scoring behind presumptive top threats Joe, Tarnow and Nate but actually are the top two scorers on the Zeppelin, both ranking top 6 in the scoring race. Meanwhile lavender continues to get somewhat boned by injuries (curse of the #1 overall pick?) but they do have Sam and Phelps tonight, although Pags is out with a lower body injury. I think this really is anyone’s game but lavender was impressive with a much shorter lineup last week and I think Phelps’ season debut should galvanize the team. Lavender in what seems like an upset, but really shouldn’t be considered as such.

Hubba Bubba (+150)
Hungry Hippos 2.0 (-200)
Over 6.5 (-140)
Under 6.5 (EVEN)

Notes: Jack remains out for black after a highly suspicious bouldering injury caused by Simon (probably). Meanwhile pink has a full lineup except that Brita is a GTD due to an injury she somehow sustained at a family vacation which involved glass ripping through muscle (I’ve seen the photos and they are intense) and their goalie sub is probably Corey if he responds to my email, possibly one of the Jacobs otherwise. Pink looked great in beating an underrated Pranksters squad last week 6-3, but the Hippos are on an absolute tear lately, even without their top pick, and notched an impressive come-from-behind victory last week. I have to think they keep it rolling tonight.

The Mighty Mensches (+200)
Vegas Golden Knights (-300)
Over 6.0 (-120)
Under 6.0 (-120)

Notes: Believe it or not Vegas has only played one game on the season with two of their scheduled matches already rained out. We may as well consider that a preseason game in which case they’ll basically open their season tonight against another new squad with some new players, the Mensches. Vegas should have everyone in except Sanchick and Jason Reape; even Robyn is in making her debut in gold. Meanwhile the Mensches look to continue trending up with two gentiles joining the roster (James and Annika) while Phelps subs in goal. This is an insanely difficult game to handicap seeing as both teams have barely played and I have legit no idea what to expect. McQuade special incoming (at this point only OGs know what that means but basically it means don’t bet on this game unless you have serious issues, which many of you surely do).

Green Street Hooligans (+110)
Blueberry Bulldogs (-155)
Over 6.0 (-130)
Under 6.0 (-110)

Notes: A game played without 1st round picks as both Tom and Wes are out, but otherwise most players should be in. Rich is back in for green from his trip to Vegas to gamble profusely and search for Ellie at the Bellagio and the local strip joints and he will hopefully (not in my case, but in general) give green some defensive structure. They’ll be rolling two solid lines tonight and, even without Tom, still have a lot of talent despite losing their last two games by a combined 13-1 score. Meanwhile blue will be without a few players including their 1st rounder but will feature the league debut of maybe the best hockey name in league history, Gunnar Nixon. I have no idea what to expect from him hockey-wise but the general hockey vibes surrounding his name and the non-zero possibility that he may be related to Wes make me bullish on the Bulldogs. Blue to win, although probably not the asswhooping that Yehuda really deserves.

Merry Pranksters (+150)
Julie’s Football Club (-200)
Over 6.0 (-120)
Under 6.0 (-120)

Notes: This is the least likely game to happen but Julie will continue to pray that it does so I don’t have to schedule makeups for her team when Tash is out of town. As I wrote last week, the Pranksters have been underrated and deserve respect. That said, I don’t know if they’re quite at the level of orange. This will be an amazing test for tie-dye; if they can even take the game to OT, I would consider it a win. With an actual win, they must be considered a top 5 team. I still think JFC takes it, but good chance it’s much closer than you’d expect. Tie dye’s goalie is up in the air but it will likely be either Jeff Green or Jacob Geskin. Also the Tash weather report is trending towards playing and she did win two straight playoff bracket challenges so let’s hope she’s right again. See ya tonight.

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