By Hero of Ronkonkoma
The D5 draft has come and gone and Mel Kiper would have a field day going over the picks. So let’s take the time to go over the best and worst pick of every team…and remember, it’s all in good fun and I won’t make fun of anyone I don’t like except for Zach Fein. (Go to the 4 min mark on why I won’t ever forgive him)
Green Street Hooligans
Best Pick: Dan Burns, Round 11. Do any of you newbies know how to draft? I’ve never seen him play but when I told someone he lasted all the way to the 11th round he said, “Christ. I should have gone to the draft to advise my team to pick him. Fuck. Bullshit. Steal of the Century.” Also, Seb is a steal in Round 7 but we all know how much it rains on Tuesdays during the season and no one hates playing hockey in rain as much as Seb.
Worst Pick: deLacy, Round 2. Mr. Probert made up for his amazing Burns pick by taking deLacy ahead of Shelly and Ariel. Listen, Shaun’s a good goalie but I don’t want to live in a world where he’s taken ahead of those two (editors note: Hero of Ronkonkoma is out 6-8 weeks with a broken shin after being smoked with a goalie stick by a mysterious masked attorney in Midtown).
Sexier
Best Pick: Courtney Ryan, Round 7. Courtney is sneaky good…sorta like LJ’s little sister. She always makes the smart play, and although doesn’t have the talent of Cherie or Meg, has athleticism and intelligence to get the most out of her talent.
Worst Pick: Shirtless Rob Meehan, Round 12. If I’m taking a shirtless player it would be Boylan.
Captain Morgen’s Pirates
Best Pick: Kelsey, Round 4. Kelsey is a 2nd or 3rd rounder who because of her low profile was able to be scooped up in the 4th. Shame! Shame! Shame!
Worst Pick: Lee Becker, Round 14. I actually think Lee is a good pick for Round 14, but Ariel doesn’t, and he knows more hockey than me.
Goal Diggers
Best Pick: Ramy, Round 9. Looking for goals? Ramy will score even more goals than Detroit Lion playoff wins over the last 20 years! That’s a lot of goals, right?
Worst Pick: Zach Weiner. It’s not that Zach is a bad pick, it’s more that I just would have taken Emily Barbour. She is the only person to ever win 3 straight years, is incredible at karaoke or beer pong and her Facebook one liners are surely better than Zach’s. I also understand she isn’t registered for this season but she’s that good.
Purple Tuna
Best Pick: Austin, Round 1. I was surprised Austin fell to him, shocked Shelly did and surprised again that Cutler slipped through the cracks. I’m writing this with a tear in my eye because it’s great to see the next generation doing so well…but another tear bc I wish I was on this future championship team. Alex, $20 on this team.
Worst Pick: Frank Jackson, Round 13. Sorry Jackson, I don’t know you and I’m sure you’re a nice guy, but you sound like a relief pitcher for the Mets in 1978 or something. Maybe if you score six goals Jack will anoint you as the new Cobra.
Crimson Wave
Best Pick: Zach Fein, Round 10. I’d prob take Zach first overall…to ensure he can’t ref my game.
Worst Pick: Zach Fein, Round 10. Zach sees everything as a ref. It does not always translate to him as a player. One thing you can’t take away from him though: no one takes a shot to the nuts quite like this guy.
My Cup Size Is Stanley
Best Pick: Sara Lehman, Round 3. I love the Sara/Sena combo in rounds 3 and 4. Sara is my pick to win the Women’s Scoring Title if you have that (editors note: we certainly do).
Worst Pick: Max, Round 2. This isn’t against Max, he’s legit. But it’s against the concept of drafting a goalie super early that’s not named Tim K. Shelly or Ariel would have given you lockdown D, while improving the offense. Truthfully, this and Mr. Hicks’ draft position were brutal.
Hungry Hippos
Best Pick: I love Mike Marron in the 6th round. He can slide into the second line (editors note: sounds creepy) or set up Mr. Hicks all season.
Worst Pick: Rubens! Adam is actually a very good player like Jihadi John was a really good terrorist. Doesn’t mean you should associate with either. However if you have to pick one…go with John.
Predictions:
Let me just say I don’t know half the players which makes me a Great American as giving uninformed opinions is what we do best.
Scoring Title (Men) – Mr. Probert. No way can a team just focus on Probert with so many other weapons.
Scoring Title (Women) – Sara Lehman. It’s a shame she’s moving out of NY before you vultures (editors note: his original spelling was “vulchers”) had a chance to attempt to poach her off of Karma. Tough to bet against Cherie though.
Goalie of the Year: Obviously Tim K. is the best goalie here…but I think Dave Gil de Rubio shocks the world (but not me) and wins the goalie title. I love Alex’s draft. He has lockdown D, his team will play with heart, and if you give Dave a chance…he’ll show his worth.
Championship Team: Tadpole’s Purple Tuna. I think he dominated his first 3 picks, and judging by that I’m sure the rest of the draft went well. Proud of you, Jack.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQCU36pkH7c
“Mr. Madison, what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”