Spring 2019 Mock Draft

Tonight kicks off the third overall season, and the inaugural spring season, of District Five hockey, the only league where you can live out your childhood dream of being drafted onto an NHL team, except instead of an NHL team it’s a random ball hockey squad with a cheesy name. The captains have spent the last 48 hours frantically trying to figure out who all these players are while everyone’s on pins and needles trying to anticipate where they’ll be picked. Our unscientific predictions:

Pick 1.01 (Ball That) – Jeff Laniado makes a rather bold choice and selects himself #1 overall over the vocal protests of Rich Glanzer.  When Jeff reminds Rich that he won the scoring title last season, Rich just creepily strokes a photo of Gabe and cries.

Pick 1.02 (My Cup Size Is Stanley) – Jenn is ecstatic to wake up and get Gabe with the 2nd overall pick (but really the first selection off the board).  Gabe is slightly less ecstatic to be joining a team named after Jenn’s breasts.

Pick 1.03 (Purple Parrots) – Campbell selects himself at #3 overall and proclaims himself “the king of the goalies.”  Last year’s Purple Parrots silently cry to themselves while Zisser starts shouting something about how real kings eat ass. Wow, two picks in and we’ve already got multiple people crying. Let’s see if we can make it even more.

Pick 1.04 (Hungry Hippos) – After a brief flirtation with their team leading scorer from the Fall (Sweet Baby James) and the savage animal that is Luke, Hicks goes back to the well and selects his defensive captain, Ariel, with the 4th overall pick.  Rich pans this and every pick the Hippos make, as is tradition.

Pick 1.05 (Winter Is Coming) – Rebranded but still sexy as ever, the artist formerly known as Team Sexy select badass jazz musician and occasional stick destroyer Luke at #5.  Getting a goalie early is tempting but a game changing Canadian talent like Luke is hard to pass up at this spot. Alex proceeds to book every Tuesday night at lukesellick.com for mysterious gigs taking place at 96th and 1st.

Pick 1.06 (The Charging Cheetahs) – Jo misses out on her homeboy Gabe (he of boob fame now), but is thrilled to see Poutine’s big offseason acquisition (and last end of season party’s best heel turn) available at the tail end of the first round and selects Sweet Baby James.  For those who may not remember, James announced live at the end of season party as he was picking up his Rookie of the Year trophy that he was leaving the Sky Fighters and joining Poutine, much to the delight of a diabolically grinning Sully.

Pick 1.07 (Goonies) – Cherie has a wide range of options here.  She could take a goalie, she could go unorthodox and pick up her homegirl Sena, thus starting a team with 3 ladies when she can only roster 4 total.  She could take a defender for balance since she traditionally plays on the wing, or she can take an elite forward to work with.  One things for sure – Cherie loves scoring goals, and her Feasterville chemistry with Derek was a sight to behold.  She looks to rekindle that spark here by selecting him with her first pick. Somewhere in the distance, Probie cries.

Pick 1.08 & 2.01 (Rainy Day Kids Club) – It was a championship hangover for the ages for The Varsity Warriors last season and Probie tried to reassemble the summer’s championship squad.  Sadly they were felled by numerous injuries and poor attendance and fell to 8th, losing a hard fought play-in game to Ball That 2-0.  The fully rebranded Rainy Day Kids Club will have a tough road to redemption this season as longtime stalwart Charlotte is on the IR but Probie gets his team off to a good start by taking himself (duh) and then selecting his longtime D5 netminder, Tim Burke, after his quick yet sturdy cry session.

Pick 2.02 (Goonies) – Cherie strikes a blow for feminism and selects the top female scorer in league history…herself.  Incredibly, it’s the third consecutive season where Cherie has been selected at exactly the same spot: the 2nd pick of the 2nd round, and the first lady off the board.

Pick 2.03 (The Charging Cheetahs) – Having picked up Sweet Baby James in round 1 and with Sully providing a strong defensive presence, Jo selects three time defending BTSH goal scoring champion Mike T.  While he’s only played a game or two on the 96th street surface as a free agent, his incredible run of BTSH goal scoring is tough to ignore especially in what is projected to be an up year for offenses across the league.

Pick 2.04 (Winter Is Coming) – With Luke providing scoring up front and Alex anchoring the D, it’s time to shore up the goaltending to make this one of the most balanced squads out there.  Zisser is sad to leave the Hippos after two seasons but excited to join a team named after a show that he never watches.

Pick 2.05 (Hungry Hippos) – After seeing his goaltender of the past two seasons picked one spot ahead of him, Hicks decides to ignore goaltending and focus on what he has up front.  Feasterville teammate and Burning Man enthusiast Sena is tough to pass up, but Hicks’ chemistry with Zac Hogg in Ocean City was an eye opener, and if he’s on the board, he’s going to the Hippos with fellow Cecil Haramble member Ariel.

Let’s just focus on the chemistry these two showed and totally ignore how this game actually went…

Pick 2.06 (Purple Parrots) – With Campbell in net and LJ slotted in on defense, you would think this team would go for a dynamic forward.  However, Campbell decides that this team isn’t going to give up a single goal this season and instead selects Sena, giving this team the best 1/2 punch of female defenders in the league.

Pick 2.07 (My Cup Size Is Stanley) – Jenn is tempted to pick up a scorer here after selecting perhaps the best defenseman in New York ball hockey, but seeing her longtime teammate Brad still on the board is tough to resist and she selects him to form yet another beastly 1-2 punch on defense.

Pick 2.08 & 3.01 (Ball That) – Jeff plays on so many ball hockey teams it’s almost hard to keep track of, but the one that Rich hates the most is undoubtedly the Shortis (see photo above). With two players who have spent a lot of time playing with the Shortis on the board, Jeff is unable to resist and selects Fleming and Carlin with back-to-back picks here to close out the 2nd round and get the 3rd started with a bang.

We’d keep going through the picks but where would be the fun in that? The real question is – how will the real draft shake out?  Who will end up with a powerhouse team? Whose picks will be made fun of throughout the night as they slowly descend into a full blown panic over the multiple asswhoopings they are sure to receive this season? Only one way to find out: come to East End tonight and see where you end up!

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