D5 Playoff Lines (Spring 2019)

Chosen 1s (+130)
My Cup Size Is Stanley (-170)
Over 5.5 (-115)
Under 5.5 (-125)

The Pick: Cup Size was the preseason favorite but struggled a bit this season en route to a 5 seed. That rank may be somewhat deceptive due to the parity in D5, as with one more win they would have been the #2 or #3 seed. Gabe and Hogg should be in the lineup and manning the defense, giving black the best 1-2 punch on D in league history. The Chosen 1s are the 8 seed but don’t let that fool you – this is an extremely dangerous team with one of the elite scorers in the league in Jeff, who knows the Gabe/Hogg defensive tandem quite well from their time together in Feasterville. Orange has five guys showing up but four of them are their top four pick: Jeff, Joe, Brad and Riegler. Sadly, the fifth is Rich. Still, there’s a lot to like on this team, including the fact that the team originally known as the Jews will have the very Jewish Eitan Levine manning the net for him. He has promised to say the shema before getting in the net; I am clearly not a good jew as I have no idea what that means, but he also said “4-skin, 5-hole” which does not bode well for anybody. Though I do think the Chosen 1s have a great chance of pulling the upset here, the smart money would be on Cup Size to rise to the occasion and dispatch them en route to the next round.

Winter Is Coming (-125)
Purple Parrots (-115)
Over 5.0 (-110)
Under 5.0 (-130)

The Pick: This game is a continuation of the regular season finale, with 2:03 left in the first period and Team Coming holding a 1-0 lead off a highlight reel goal by Luke. The constant rainouts this season have screwed us all but perhaps no one more than Campbell, the captain of the Parrots who drafted his Black Squirrels squad and will now have to follow their progress from Boston on his ESPN Scorecenter app. In his place, Julie has picked up Tim K, a worthy successor to the first round goalie mantle. He’ll have most of his squad in front of him minus Henry; Stu, Tarnow, Julie, LJ and the gang are all expected to be in attendance. Winter may have come but they are in rough shape tonight, with Luke in Nebraska, Josh still nursing his month plus injury, Jeremy at a reunion, Ryan celebrating the birth of his child…bad excuses all around. Olivier and a dude from the BTSH free agent list will fill-in for the blue team to give them six guys and a fighting chance of holding their lead against an extremely quick and opportunistic Parrots squad. Though this is not a playoff game, it is a de-facto play-in as the winner gets to advance directly into the final four as the #2 seed while the loser will get the #4 seed and play the winner of the Cup Size/Chosen 1s showdown later in the evening. The Parrots have the advantage on paper with Winter severely depleted, but with the LBS defensive unit of Alex, Kelsey and Zisser, blue has a shot of making their one goal lead stick. Too close to call, but with two of the top goalies in the league, take the under.

Rainy Day Kids Club (-105)
Hungry Hippos (-135)
Over 5.5 (-115)
Under 5.5 (-125)

The Pick: Hicks has been taking pre-workout and shitting since 10 AM which certainly does not bode well for the Kids Club or for his colon. Since starting the season with three losses in their first four games, they’ve won four of their last five. This is a team that has been rocked by injury all season but all the teams on their side of the bracket will have the same #s tonight with five guys and three ladies, making it an even playing field where everyone will feel the pain. Sarah is on the Hippos for the playoffs, replacing Sebastian, Zimmerman and Amanda, none of whom have played in months. The Kids Club, meanwhile, will have Probie, Christian, Akhil, Scott Metz and a free agent in addition to Emily, Ines and Mia. Tim will have to put up a monster effort in net to overcome the effects of Hicks’ nonstop preworkout and possible steroid use. Probie playing half the game helps, but Ariel and Sena know him well. Yellow to win in a squeaker.

CUP/CHO Winner (-110)
WIN/PAR Loser (-130)
Over 5.0 (-115)
Under 5.0 (-125)

The Pick: Without knowing a single team involved in this game it’s tough to put out a reasonable line. So why’d I do it? Because there are sickos like SBJ out there who will bet on this anyway. Cup Size would be even money against either of Winter/Parrots, while Chosen 1s would be a slight underdog. Tim K would give the Parrots a better shot than Winter who would have to play without Luke. And, while Olivier is subbing for them in the earlier game, he would be ineligible to sub for this one. Bet at your own risk.

HIP/KID Winner (-120)
The Charging Cheetahs (-120)
Over 5.0 (-105)
Under 5.0 (-135)

The Pick: The Cheetahs were perhaps the surprise team of the season, riding speed, goaltending and a Poutine-like commitment to team defense to a #3 seed. However on this night they will be severely undermanned. Captain Jo is in France and who the hell knows where the rest of her roster is. deLacy will be in net and Carlin, SBJ, Sully, Tony, Chris and hammered Rockoff (fresh off a work event) will be in attendance, but that’s it. They’ll get the services of Cat Tremble (subbing for her sister Liz), Caitlin or Michelle Ulmann (depending on who wins the 7:20 Parrots/Winter game) and free agent Jacob, a supplementary roster addition. No matter who they face, both teams will again have five guys and three girls which is the new standard on the 3/6/7 side of the bracket I guess. If the Kids Club win the earlier contest, they should be the slight favorites; if the Hippos win, I would install the depleted Cheetahs as a very slight underdog. As such, this is a good old fashioned toss-up that I wouldn’t recommend betting on. With two tired teams, the over/under could go either way; either they’ll be too tired to press the pace on offense, or too tired to play the defense they’re both accustomed to. Wager at your own risk, ya animals.

District Five Championship
Goonies (+150)
Purple Parrots (+220)
Winter Is Coming (+250)
The Charging Cheetahs (+250)
My Cup Size Is Stanley (+270)
Hungry Hippos (+300)
Rainy Day Kids Club (+400)
Chosen 1s (+450)

Odds To Make Final Four
The Charging Cheetahs (-120)
Hungry Hippos (+180)
My Cup Size Is Stanley (+195)
Rainy Day Kids Club (+275)
Chosen 1s (+300)

District Five Playoff Scoring Title (Goals + Assists)
Gabe (+175)
Derek (+200)
Sweet Baby James (+200)

Hicks (+220)
Cobra/Tadpole (+220)

Probie (+250)
Cherie (+300)
Ariel (+350)

Tarnow (+500)
Stu (+500)

Field (+400)

Ladies Scoring Title (Goals + Assists)
Cherie (-170)
Julie (+160)
Field (+240)

Who Will Score More Points In The Game In Which They Face Each Other?
Jeff (-130)
Gabe (-110)

AFrey (-105)
Stu (-135)

Hicks (-120)

SBJ (-130)
Tadpole (-110)

Who Will Score More Points In The Spring 2019 Playoffs? (note: WIN/PAR game does not count as a playoff game)
SBJ (-120)
Tadpole Jack (-120)

AFrey (+120)
Gabe (-160)

Probie (-105)
Jeff (-135)

Cherie + Julie (-110)
All Other Female Points (-130)

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