Week 3 Box Scores (Spring 2021)

Spicy Tuna Rolls vs My Cup Size Is Stanley

1st Period:
CUP (1-0) – Jeff (1) (SH) (unassisted) (2:28)
CUP (2-0) – Amit (1) (assisted by Ariel) (8:35)
3rd Period:
CUP (3-0) – Neil (2) (assisted by Hogg) (6:07)
TUN (1-3) – Sena (1) (assisted by Mike T) (7:00)
CUP (4-1) – Neil (3) (EN) (unassisted) (11:46)
CUP (5-1) – Ariel (3) (EN) (unassisted) (12:11)
CUP (6-1) – Neil (4) (assisted by Ariel) (12:43)

GAME NOTES: The opening game of the evening featured a rematch of last week’s primetime game and the first great sub controversy of the season…after hours spent assuring purple players and random league members that the subs were reasonable for this game, they naturally came out and scored the first two goals of the game in the first 10 minutes, then no one else scored for over 20 minutes after that. Thanks everyone…goals by Jeff (ringer #1) and Amit (ringer #2) gave Cup Size a 2-0 lead which stood despite numerous chances by the Tuna Rolls to tie the score. Late in the 3rd Neil decided that he might actually like to win the scoring title as he picked up a late hat trick as part of a wild 5 goals in the last 7 minutes outburst. Under bettors are beside themselves as we now own their houses…Max once again lived up to his #1 overall draft selection as he made a bunch of huge saves. This game could have easily been 3-3 late if not for his legendary athleticism…with 25 seconds left in the game and purple content to just run out the clock, Ariel was having none of it as he sliced through their defense and fed a pass to Neil to give him the hat trick and give Ariel his 3rd point of the game. It was so unexpected that the scorer’s box had stopped paying attention to the game and marked the final score down as 5-1. Let this be a lesson: Ariel paid for a 39 minute game and he is going to get his money’s worth…with the victory Cup Size moves to 4th in the standings but 2nd in point per game and 1st in ringer usage complaints. They will face the Crimson Wave next week while purple looks to regroup against the Green Street Hooligans.

3rd – Ringers Around The World (2 combined goals)
2nd – Ariel (1G, 2A)
1st – Neil (3G)

Green Street Hooligans vs The Goaldiggers

1st Period:
DIG (1-0) – Brett (1) (assisted by Nate) (2:01)
DIG (2-0) – Evan (1) (assisted by Patty) (8:12)
GSH (1-2) – Probie (3) (unassisted) (9:51)
2nd Period:
DIG (3-1) – Guido (2) (unassisted) (7:25)
GSH (2-3) – Darryl (1) (unassisted) (9:04)
3rd Period:
DIG (4-2) – Tarnow (1) (assisted by Guido) (1:03)
GSH (3-4) – Cherie (1) (assisted by Austin Lyons) (2:20)

GAME NOTES: The Hooligans played their first game of a doubleheader like they were desperate for a win and some bench drama. Unfortunately, they only got one of the two…as has been the case this season, the Hooligans played the Goaldiggers evenly and actually had the better of play at times. As has been tradition this season, they gotten some bad puck luck and their opponents were opportunistic. Two early goals by the diggers gave them a 2-0 lead which they would never relinquish…Patty’s pass to Evan on his goal was so impressive it almost caused a riot in the scorers box…Guido continues his assault on the scorers race and on me personally for allowing him to be slated as a 3rd round pick. Slow your roll Doctor, you’re making me look bad…captain Tarnow got on the board with the game winner off an assist by, shock of all shocks, Dr Lancman. Is it just me or does Dr Lancman sound like a Marvel supervillain?…Cherie got her first of the season just a minute later but that was the final goal on the evening as both Casca and deLacy made a number of wild saves in the 3rd, keeping the score at 4-3 and giving white their 2nd win of the season…Darryl and Evan scored their 1st career D5 goals…green would look to rebound later in the evening as they faced the Crimson Wave. White will play their own personal Fireball Bowl next week as they face the Sex Panthers and the Hippos in a very exciting, very sexy doubleheader.

3rd – Probie (1G)
2nd – Tarnow (GWG)
1st – Guido (1G, 1A)

Hungry Hippos vs Sex Panthers

1st Period:
HIP (1-0) – Braun (1) (assisted by Ben McCloskey) (6:30)
2nd Period:
SEX (1-1) – DRo (1) (assisted by Florian) (1:24)
SEX (2-1) – Joel (1) (assisted by Ryann) (2:32)
HIP (2-2) – Meatbox (2) (assisted by Braun) (12:33)
3rd Period:
SEX (3-2) – Joel (2) (assisted by Florian) (6:20)

GAME NOTES: The Fireball Bowl was hyped up to such an insane degree, from a league record 48 hours of shit talking to a league record of available prop bets, that I fully expected this to be some kind of absurd 7-4 goal scoring bonanza. Imagine everyone’s surprise when what they got instead was an honest to god hockey game…Braun opened the scoring midway through the 1st period. The assist was originally credited to Hicks in the stats but no, he still has no assists in almost two full calendar years…the Sex Squad (trademark pending) took a lead off of two quick goals in 1:08, with DRo ripping one from the point and Joel batting one out of the air from in front. It looked like they would make it to the intermission with a one goal lead but a bad giveaway by an unnamed blue captain led to a Josi goal (assisted by Josi) and we had a tie game going into the final period, much to the delight of the jam packed and borderline illegal crowd in the stands…the third period was pretty even but turned on two penalties. First one was a hit on Joel along the boards which the scoresheet claims was committed by Braun (he swears wasn’t him but I mean who can really believe a man who once shit his pants in his own living room) which led to a power play goal that gave the Panthers a 3-2 lead. Then with 3 minutes left, aspiring degenerate gambler Wagner gave DRo the business (and I’m not talking about a legal referral), sending him off for two minutes and giving blue more opportunity to run clock. After the standard last minute of desperation and prayer, Waldman held the fort and the Sex Panthers improbably claimed their 2nd win of the season to go to 2-1 despite a league record on man-games lost thus far…the Hippos will look to rebound tonight as they face the undefeated Goaldiggers in what will be white’s second game of the night. The first game will be against the aforementioned Sex Squad (trademark pending)

3rd – Waldman (2 GA)
2nd – Skinny Braun (1G, 1A)
1st – Joel (2G)

Green Street Hooligans vs Crimson Wave

1st Period:
GSH (1-0) – Pags (1) (assisted by Tom) (5:30)
WAV (1-1) – Mike Wright (1) (assisted by SBJ) (6:40)
2nd Period:
GSH (2-1) – Probie (4) (assisted by Cherie) (3:47)
WAV (2-2) – SBJ (1) (assisted by Meg) (5:26)
GSH (3-2) – Probie (5) (assisted by Malik) (8:00)
3rd Period:
GSH (4-2) – Probie (6) (assisted by Austin Lyons) (6:07)
WAV (3-4) – Goose (1) (unassisted) (8:24)
GSH (5-3) – Austin Lyons (2) (assisted by Cherie) (9:03)

GAME NOTES: The final game of the evening pitted two winless teams in dire need of a victory and let me tell you, they certainly played like it…this game was so physical from the outset that it spurred the league to add a ref manager position. It also vaulted Probert to the top of the scoring list as his sub request being denied sent him into a fit of rage so powerful that three goals were not enough to satisfy his bloodlust and, well, let’s just say Charlotte is out another 4-6 weeks…SBJ had a goal and an assist in this game and thankfully refrained from mauling anyone for one more glorious week…Austin (the one who hasn’t been living in a van) continued his hot start with a goal and an assist in this one. He now sits comfortably in the top 10 in points and even more comfortably in the top 1 in penalty minutes with an incredible 8 so far while no one else has more than 2…with 5 minutes left in the game the parks department showed up and my life flashed before my eyes. Thankfully they didn’t give a shit about anything except making sure we locked the gates for once to keep the local hooligans out (no, not the green ones)…Meatbox may get all the recognition for not passing but it’s worth noting that Probie now has 6 goals and 0 assists on the season. If he starts taking steroids and referring to himself as the Probox, watch out…with the win the Hooligans get some much needed momentum heading into tonight’s showdown with the still 1st place Spicy Tuna Rolls. The Crimson Wave will look to get back on track in what may be the most hotly anticipated regular season game since last week’s Fireball Bowl as they head to Cup Size Stadium to face Jenn, Ariel, Tash and six NHL caliber ringers.

3rd – SBJ (1G, 1A)
2nd – Cherie (2A)
1st – Angry Probert (Hat Trick)

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