The Goaldiggers (-145)
Sex Panthers (+105)
Over 6.0 (-120)
Under 6.0 (-120)
Notes: It’s a showdown in depravity as the Vegas-based Goaldiggers head to their local sex club to face the Panthers in a pivotal early season showdown. Blue has a slew of absences, as per usual, with Kelsey, Austin, Rickard and Liang confirmed out while Davis may be on the side of the road somewhere after whatever the hell the Maple Leafs did to his soul last night. They will be utilizing the services of two former Top Shelf players, Joel and Rys, neither of whom plays defense but both of whom will be forced to play defense tonight. The Goaldiggers have everyone in the lineup except Nico and will look to jump out to a 3-0 start on the season. They’ve been opportunistic in both their games this season, both against the Hooligans, surviving late surges and receiving timely goaltending from Cascada to hang on for wins in both games. Meanwhile I had only seen Waldman play once before I decided to spend a 1st round pick on him and thus far my impulsive decision has paid off quite nicely with Ryan playing excellent in net, pumping up the team on email chains and giving out free physical therapy on the bench when necessary (at least that’s what he told me he was doing when I saw him massaging Caitlins leg…hmm…). The man truly does it all and as such, the 1st round goalie battle will probably tell the tale in this one. If you’re a longtime reader of these previews you know that when I want to weasel out of picking a winner and I don’t want to piss off the goalies I’ll just advise people to take the under so…yeah…take the under.
BONUS PROPS
First Period Line
The Goaldiggers (-140)
Sex Panthers (EVEN)
Over 1.5 (-135)
Under 1.5 (-105)
Most Points In Game
Guido + Tarnow + Danilo (-155)
AFrey + Jon + Rockoff (+115)
Spicy Tuna Rolls (-120)
Green Street Hooligans (-120)
Over 6.0 (-120)
Under 6.0 (-120)
Notes: With Mike T out of action for this game it will be up to Jack to launch twice the shots on net that he usually does, and with Corey out of town it will be up to Waldman to look suaver than ever. Green will be without the services of Shannon, Joe and the Glanzer family and will be using Walker as a sub for the 3rd straight game so long as they can guarantee him at least 80% of the game in playing time. This is a huge test for both teams. Green picked up their first victory of the season last week against red in a game so physical I hope those teams never play again, but even in their previous losses had been in every game and just barely lost all three. This compelled their fearless leader Probie to show the utmost confidence in his troops by placing a $50 max bet on the Hooligans to win the title, despite the fact that we have a $20 max bet (we took the action out of respect). Purple meanwhile, despite horrific preseason expectations not seen since the last purple team in Fall 2019, started the season at 2-0 before losing two straight games to Cup Size. They still sit in first place but only 4th in points per game. While all eyes will be on who wins this game perhaps the most intriguing contest between these teams is in the first-to-be-suspended battle where Riegler, Austin and deLacy are leading the pack. Could we see Riegler/deLacy in the crease octagon tonight? Austin/Riegler? After the events of last week, possibly even Austin/deLacy? I wish we could just settle this with a hardest shot competition between Jack and Cherie but seeing as we actually have to play this game, I’m taking the Hooligans to keep their momentum going and pick up a hard fought victory.
BONUS PROPS
First Period Line
Spicy Tuna Rolls (-120)
Green Street Hooligans (-120)
Over 2.0 (EVEN)
Under 2.0 (-140)
Player To Score The First Goal
Probie (+200)
Jack (+200)
Cherie (+300)
Field (+200)
Most Points In Game
Probie (-145)
Jack (+105)
Most Points In Game
Probie + Cherie + Pags (-135)
Jack + Sena + McCauley (-105)
Hungry Hippos (-120)
The Goaldiggers (-120)
Over 6.0 (-105)
Under 6.0 (-135)
Notes: The Goaldiggers wrap up their doubleheader with a matchup against the Hippos. Yellow is missing Seb, Dave, Solgon and Liz Tremble and with no free agent goalies answering any of my emails lately (I’m so lonely), forward Steve Friedman will step into the net in his first ever D5 game in goal. How white will respond to their 2nd game of the evening is going to be a fascinating subplot for this game. When it was announced this season would feature doubleheaders basically every week there was some skepticism that people’s bodies would be able to handle it but having personally seen Cherie play over 20 tournament games in a weekend, I was far too curious not to try it. So far there has been no noticeable detriment to the doubleheader, with green winning their 2nd game last week while purple lost their 2nd of the doubleheader two weeks ago but did so just barely in a shootout after coming back from two goals down. Will they be tired or extra warmed up? Hopefully the thousands of hours Guido/Tarnow spend playing hockey during the quarantine when they should have been hoarding toilet paper will come in handy in this one. However, as experienced gamblers should know – you’ve got an undefeated team facing a 1-2 team but the line is a pick ’em…this is just screaming trap. Seb and Rachel are huge losses for this defense but Brad, Shelly, Sarah and the Josis should give the Hippos enough firepower to get back to .500.
BONUS PROPS
First Period Line
Hungry Hippos (-120)
The Goaldiggers (-120)
Over 1.5 (-125)
Under 1.5 (-115)
Player To Score The First Goal
Guido (+230)
Meatbox (+230)
Braun (+230)
Tarnow (+325)
Field (+200)
Most Points In Game
Josi Bros (-130)
Guido + Tarnow (-110)
Crimson Wave (EVEN)
My Cup Size Is Stanley (-140)
Over 6.0 (-120)
Under 6.0 (-120)
Notes: The final game of the evening pits the Crimson Wave against Cup Size in what has the potential to be the most physical game of all time but what I sincerely hope will be a civil, borderline boring contest. Black is chipping in to get Max an Uber to the game while Cutler is out for the Wave, probably to shop for more dogs or something (in an alternate universe, she and Caitlin live together on a legit farm). Meg will move up to forward for this game and should provide some much needed offensive punch for a Wave team that’s struggled to bury it in recent weeks, while Sully mans the defense and hopes to reduce the number of chances that Zisser has to face. Zisser incredibly had his chest protector blow off his roof deck this past week, incredible because he felt he could just leave it lying around, unsecured, on a very windy 30th floor deck on the water. Even more incredibly, he found it days later on his neighbors part of the terrace which is great because I was convinced that it had blown off and possibly decapitated a random passerby on Riverside. I’ll spare you the full details of our NY Post headline brainstorming session but the best ones to come out of it were “GOALIE-TINE” and “CHEST MOLESTER.” Anyways, with his chest molester back safely in his unwashed goalie bag, Zisser will be ready to battle a relatively stacked Cup Size lineup. Hogg’s knees are getting better every week and Ariel/Neil have proven formidable thus far. As usual in this league the goalies will tell the tale but Meg v Tash is the sneaky battle of the game. With the Wave desperate for a victory in the primetime game, I’m betting that they find a way to get it. Zisser gets his mojo back and red begins their ascent in the standings.
BONUS PROPS
First Period Line
Crimson Wave (-110)
My Cup Size Is Stanley (-130)
Over 1.5 (-125)
Under 1.5 (-115)
Player To Score The First Goal
SBJ (+300)
Ariel (+300)
Neil (+300)
Meg (+350)
Field (+140)
Most Points In Game
SBJ + Meg + Sully (+110)
Ariel + Hogg + Neil (-150)