Week 1 Box Scores (Spring 2022)

The Grapes vs East River Kraken

1st Period:
KRAK (1-0) – Jared (1) (assisted by Braun) (3:35)
KRAK (2-0) – Joel (1) (PP) (unassisted) (8:33)
3rd Period:
GRP (1-2) – AK (1) (unassisted) (7:41)
GRP (2-2) – Wagner (1) (assisted by Steve Rys) (9:28)
GRP (3-2) – AK (2) (assisted by Jack) (2:59)

GAME NOTES: The first game in Kraken history ended in disappointment as they let a two goal lead slip through their fingers in the 3rd…Jared picked up the camo team’s first franchise goal with a nifty rebound batted out of the air. This would have been disallowed last season but the threshold for hitting a ball has been moved from waist to shoulder. However if you hit anyone you will be viciously penalized so buyer beware…the goal also featured Joel taking a shot so powerful that the defender’s stick somehow went further than the ball, easily one of the most confusing moments in league history…facing a similar scenario later in the game on the powerplay, Joel this time decided to actually hit the ball towards the net and was rewarded with a PP goal for the 2-0 lead…Chris B came up big with multiple saves in the 2nd but early in the 3rd the Kraken seemed to slow down and purple responded with goals from AK and Josh within a two minute span to tie the game and send it to OT…overtime as usual was back-and-forth with lots of odd-man rushes, perhaps even more than usual due to everyone being tired and rusty after 3-4 months off of ball hockey. AK would end the game with his 2nd goal off a wrist shot from the point and celebrated once again by doing a TikTok dance that will probably still not be enough to get him laid.

3rd – Josh (1G)
2nd – Jared (1G)
1st – AK (2G)

The Blue Balls Of Sex vs Green Street Hooligans

1st Period:
SEX (1-0) – Sam (1) (assisted by Alex) (3:33)
SEX (2-0) – Corey (1) (assisted by Alex) (7:00)
GSH (1-2) – Totis (1) (assisted by Probie) (10:48)
SEX (3-1) – Corey (2) (assisted by Caitlin) (12:01)
3rd Period:
GSH (2-3) – Westley (1) (PP) (assisted by Amit) (1:21)
SEX (4-2) – Dave Liang (1) (unassisted) (8:04)
SEX (5-2) – Sam (2) (assisted by Zach Liebovich) (9:22)
GSH (3-5) – Scott Collins (1) (assisted by Westley) (12:09)
GSH (4-5) – Westley (2) (unassisted) (12:40)
SEX (6-4) – Corey (3) (unassisted) (14:29)

GAME NOTES: Blue and green treated fans to a wild affair featuring four goals in the 1st period, no goals in the 2nd and then six more in the 3rd…this game also featured an absurd girl-on-girl collision late where Charlotte seems to run into Ellie and for some reason went flying in the air. Either Charlotte’s been working on her gymnastics or Ellie can squat more than Hicks…Sam scored on a pair of similar looking snipes for blue (although the clearly high cameraman failed to capture the 1st one on video). The Hooligans were in this game the whole way and, down 5-2 with 3 minutes left, scored two in less than a minute to cut the score to 5-4. Unfortunately that was as close as they’d get as Sam’s buddy and super dark horse ROY candidate Corey capped off his first career D5 game with an empty netter for the hat trick…Westley picked up two goals and an assist including a beautiful basketball-style spin move early in the 3rd on the PP…Jacob Green picked up a victory in his first career D5 game and his first hockey game in almost a decade…green will hope to rebound next week when they face the goon squad of Hicks, Cutler and Eli, aka the Hippos. Meanwhile blue will look to start the season 2-0 for the first time in franchise history as they face the Mavericks in their season opener.

3rd – Westley (2G, 1A)
2nd – Sam (2G)
1st – Corey (3G)

Hungry Hippos vs My Cup Size Is Stanley

1st Period:
HIP (1-0) – Jon Herman (1) (assisted by Meatbox) (1:15)
CUP (1-1) – Shelly (1) (assisted by Reape) (12:22)
2nd Period:
HIP (2-1) – Will Gill (1) (assisted by Jon Herman) (1:09)
HIP (3-1) – Jared Thompson (1) (assisted by Eli) (3:48)
HIP (4-1) – Neil (1) (unassisted) (6:43)
HIP (5-1) – Meatbox (1) (assisted by Jon Herman) (10:41)
HIP (6-1) – Robyn (1) (assisted by Meatbox) (14:46)

GAME NOTES: Following two games that were within a goal with under a minute left, this one was just a total asskicking. Hippos looked great while a Cup Size team that was picked to finish last before the season was without two of their top players and starting goaltender. Hope everyone hammered the spread …Jon Herman picked up three points in two periods in this game. He had seven in 10 games last season…I was told that black’s lone goal came off a faceoff where AJ Frey wasn’t ready to go but his center stepped into the circle anyways. Sounds about right…unlike past seasons where we would wait for a postponed game to be completed before updating the player stats, this season the stats will reflect the scoring in this game to keep things simple for those tracking the scoring race. Three stars will be updated upon conclusion of the game…otherwise, AJ Frey looks like the early frontrunner for this season’s Vezina, yellow’s two jews and a goy line (Hicks, Jon & Neil in an homage to a classic Red Wings line and a mediocre 90s sitcom) put up four goals, and Jeff/Saucy were horny, but not horny enough. They’ll need all the black market viagra they can get their hands on for next week’s matchup against the highly touted preseason co-favorites, the Royals.

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