The Grapes (-105)
East River Kraken (-135)
Over 8.0 (-120)
Under 8.0 (-120)
Notes: Another season of finding subs, dealing with complaints and searching for gambling-adjacent pics (Goodfellas will have to do for this week) to lead off these betting lines kicks off tonight. D5 is back baby and the 2022 season starts with a matchup Jack specifically requeted weeks ago before the draft even went down as purple will be the first team to get a shot at the league’s 9th franchise and newest expansion team, the East River Kraken. With Braun taking the reigns as alternate captain, it’s a patio grudge match as he takes on Jack and AK in a game that should feature the most slapshots of the night (Cherie’s out of town). Kev and Henry are both out of town, leaving both teams without their top defensemen, while Braun is getting ghosted by Lily in a trend that should continue for the rest of the season and probably the rest of his life. This game was close to coinflip status before Jack informed me that not only is he too sore to play in goal for Cup Size at 8:30 but that he also had to take a cab home from the supermarket 4 blocks from his apartment yesterday because his legs hurt so much. This is one of the more cowardly moves in recent history and moves the line towards the league’s first camo team. I’m going to #backthekrak to pick up their first victory tonight and cause Austin to cry for the first of many times this season.
BONUS LINES:
Most Points In Tonight’s Game
Jack (-110)
Braun (-130)
Most Points In Tonight’s Game
Jack + AK + Rys (-110)
Braun + Danilo + Jared (-130)
Will This Game Feature A Shutout Or OT?
Yes (+350)
No (-550)
1st Period Goals
Over 2.0 (-130)
Under 2.0 (-110)
The Blue Balls Of Sex (-110)
Green Street Hooligans (-130)
Over 7.5 (-135)
Under 7.5 (-105)
Notes: After seven seasons and the highest points per game among all the franchises, blue will raise their first championship banner to the rafters before embarking on a quest to become only the 2nd to repeat in league history. Sadly they will have to open the season with multiple high profile absences as Sully is out of town, Sig is on the short term IR and Kelsey/Ariel are both GTDs. If this was the NHL, they’d be watching the banner go up while wearing suits on the bench; this being a rec ball hockey league, they’ll get multiple texts from me asking if they can make it right until puck drop. Probert has drafted himself a solid team with Westley offering secondary scoring (he’s a GTD), Otis on D, Austin Lyons toeing the suspension line and Glanzer benching all of the above. Reigning Vezina winner Casca will look to stabilize green’s goaltending situation but if Westley doesn’t show up tonight, do they have enough secondary scoring behind Probie to break through a defensive unit that ranks as the best in the league this season. Of course, the story of blue will be written by the wildcard goalie who no one except Jon Herman has ever seen play. When Jacob Green was listed on registrations it was fair to assume that it was Jeff Green registering under a poorly concealed alias but alas unless I am the victim of an elaborate catfishing scheme (wouldn’t be the first time), it seems to be a different person. I was able to find one pic of him on Facebook and it featured him holding a hockey championship trophy which certainly bodes well but that photo was also taken when he and Jon were in 8th grade. Let’s hope we can recapture that 14 year old glory this season even if that was a long time ago for me and I was decidedly not getting laid at the time. With all the question marks in this matchup, the healthier team has to get the nod as the favorite. With Sam and Probie facing off in one of the league’s marquee center matchups, I will probably opt for the over.
BONUS LINES:
Most Points In Tonight’s Game
Sam + AFrey (-140)
Probie + Otis (EVEN)
Will This Game Feature A Shutout Or OT?
Yes (+350)
No (-550)
1st Period Goals
Over 2.0 (-125)
Under 2.0 (-115)
Hungry Hippos (-200)
My Cup Size Is Stanley (+145)
Hungry Hippos (-2.0 Goals) (EVEN)
My Cup Size Is Stanley (+2.0 Goals) (-140)
Over 8.0 (-120)
Under 8.0 (-120)
Notes: Cup Size has been routinely bashed by league pundits and rival general managers for weeks and will get a chance to prove everybody wrong tonight. Unfortunately they will have to do it without two top picks in Cherie and Melnyk and without their goaltender, the ever suave Corey Blay. The Jackuum was set to make his season debut for team boobs this week before getting stuck at the aforementioned supermarket yesterday; as such, their goaltending situation is TBD with Jacob “Wildcard” Green also declining the offer and thus no netminder confirmed at press time. Despite Jenn likely lobbying for Campbell to fly in from Boston for this game as we speak (even though he’s actually on my team), black is in bad shape here with all the absences and are pinning their hopes on first round Shelly and the line that Sean “either Saucy or Sourcey” Gavin has dubbed the horniest in D5 history with him and Jeff Oberg (honestly, I wouldn’t doubt it). Thus a betting line that was originally set to be something like -145/+105 is now approaching people eaters/hyenas territory with a puck line being requested by Hicks and I am inclined to give it to him. Bet at your own risk though because this game is screaming trap all the way in both the moneyline, puckline and the totals.
UPDATE: Barrel alum Cam is confirmed in as goalie sub for Cup Size.
BONUS LINES:
Most Points In Tonight’s Game
Hicks + Neil (-130)
Shelly + Horny Line (-110)
Will This Game Feature A Shutout Or OT?
Yes (+375)
No (-575)
1st Period Goals
Over 2.0 (-130)
Under 2.0 (-110)
Mavericks (+125)
Royals (-175)
Mavericks (+1.5 Goals) (-130)
Royals (-1.5 Goals) (-110)
Over 7.5 (-120)
Under 7.5 (-120)
Notes: The final game of the evening sees the lazily rebranded Royals (they just dropped the orange from their name) facing off against the Mavericks, aka team makeout. The Royals will be missing three time defending ladies scoring title holder Meg but should have most of their other big guns in the lineup while the Mavericks will be without rookie of the year frontrunners Ludwig and Eric. Goalie sub TBD as Casca has already declined. I actually was pleasantly surprised by the Mavericks draft; in fact, in an ice hockey game I would rank them as the league favorites. Unfortunately for them, this is a ball hockey league and I think in this one they are overmatched. Derek and Scotty should have plenty of room to operate and with some combination of Brad, Pags and Russo locking down the d-zone in front of Zisser, it should be a tough night for the Mavericks. No word on who our high cameraman will assign as the Arby’s Player Of The Game, but if it’s Derek, franchisees will be pissed. Bet on the Royals to get Russo’s sophomore captaincy off to a big start with a victory in this one. Also Jess specifically requested a prop line on total 9:30 games to start after 10:00 so here it is, but if she starts delaying game starts for purposes of winning her bet she’s suspended with extreme prejudice.
BONUS LINES:
Most Points In Tonight’s Game
Derek + ScottyK + Russo (-140)
Jason Campbell + Malik + Ryann (EVEN)
Will This Game Feature A Shutout Or OT?
Yes (+350)
No (-550)
1st Period Goals
Over 2.0 (-130)
Under 2.0 (-110)
How Many 9:30 Games Will Start After 10:00 This Season? (Regular Season Only; Does Not Count If Delay Is Rain-Related)
Over 5.0 (+200)
Under 5.0 (-300)