Hubba Bubba vs Red Zeppelin
1st Period:
RED (1-0) – Harrison Hascoe (1) (EN) (assisted by Joe Magosin) (0:31)
RED (2-0) – Carter (2) (EN) (assisted by Campbell) (4:01)
RED (3-0) – Carter (3) (assisted by Austin Marshalek) (9:00)
2nd Period:
RED (4-0) – Campbell (3) (unassisted) (2:49)
RED (5-0) – Matt Lewis (1) (unassisted) (4:40)
RED (6-0) – Mike Tarnow (1) (assisted by Joe Magosin) (10:03)
3rd Period:
HUB (1-6) – Julie (1) (assisted by Neil) (2:28)
HUB (2-6) – Brita (1) (assisted by Mike Stern) (3:27)
HUB (3-6) – Justin McNeil (1) (assisted by Brita) (3:55)
RED (7-3) – Carter (4) (assisted by Matt Lewis) (4:21)
RED (8-3) – Matt Lewis (2) (assisted by Colleen) (12:17)
GAME NOTES: Hubba Bubba had a basically full lineup to start their season but was missing a crucial element: their goalie. After Simon begged to sub in multiple games then bailed the morning of, they had to use Cam in relief and unfortunately that also meant playing the first 6 minutes without a goalie. This put them in a 2-0 hole and they never really recovered. Aside from an electric stretch early in the 3rd where pink scored three goals in less than a minute and a half, red controlled this game start to finish en route to an 8-3 win…Carter picked up a hat trick in this one and even though it should be noted that the first goal was on an empty net and the second on a goalie who had just run in mid-play (illegally) with no warmup, he has still looked extremely impressive doing some Sedin shit with older brother Campbell. Thankfully for everyone else in the league, he will not be eligible to play in playoff games for the Zeppelin…Tarnow picked up his 100th career point, only the 5th player in league history to do so. Lerner asked if there would be a pregame ceremony before red’s next contest, presumably so he could gauge how late he could be to that…still no word on if Stern showered before meeting his wife for her birthday dinner. The D5 media will look into it and get back to you.
THREE STARS OF THE GAME:
3rd – Brita (1G, 1A)
2nd – Matt Lewis (2G, 1A)
1st – Carter (3G)
Lavender Llamas vs Hungry Hippos 2.0
1st Period:
HIP (1-0) – Adam Satok (1) (assisted by Amit) (12:37)
2nd Period:
HIP (2-0) – Amit (1) (assisted by Adam Satok) (0:13)
HIP (3-0) – Nolan (1) (assisted by unassisted) (2:43)
HIP (4-0) – Hicks (2) (assisted by Nolan) (3:25)
HIP (5-0) – Tom (1) (assisted by Adam Satok) (10:57)
3rd Period:
HIP (6-0) – Adam Satok (2) (assisted by Nicki) (3:27)
LLA (1-6) – Josh Wagner (1) (assisted by Annie) (8:24)
GAME NOTES: This was slated to be must see television, the first game of the Kingdom Cup series and Jack’s return to purple in an enemy jersey (no word on if a jersey retirement was in the cards) but with Jack out for the Hippos and Sam, Phelps and Pags out for purple, this game lost a lot of its star power and its competitiveness. It was actually a tie game with 25 seconds left in the 1st but four Hippo goals in under four minutes of gametime broke the game open and allowed Him to cruise to a 6-1 victory…Sam called me the very next day after this tough 6-1 loss and literally the very first thing he said was “so Lavender is winning the championship this season, it’s so obvious.” With the possible exception of Zisser at the club circa 2016, there has truly never been a more confident man in history.
THREE STARS OF THE GAME:
3rd – Amit (1G, 1A)
2nd – Nolan (1G, 1A)
1st – Adam Satok (2G, 2A)
The Mighty Mensches vs Blueberry Bulldogs
1st Period:
BLU (1-0) – Steve Rys (1) (assisted by Wes) (5:17)
2nd Period:
BLU (2-0) – Steve Rys (1) (assisted by Wes) (2:18)
BLU (3-0) – Cherie (1) (assisted by Wes) (11:39)
3rd Period:
BLU (4-0) – Avik (1) (assisted by Caitlin) (1:34)
MNS (1-4) – Jeremy (1) (PP) (assisted by Zev) (11:44)
GAME NOTES: The Mensches looked significantly improved in their 2nd game, even without one of their top players. The forechecking, passing and most importantly running were leaps and bounds above week one while the boozing and darts on the bench remained at their already extremely high level. Unfortunately, hockey is an unfair game and though their play was way better than last week, the result was the same as blue used a two goal game by Rys to grind out a tougher-than-it-looked 4-1 win…Jeremy broke Zisser’s shutout with 2:16 left in the game with a power-play goal late. Ami was no doubt loving the action as he had max bet the maroon +2.5 line but blue held on to cover the spread, much to the delight of Bulldogs fans and bettors across the nation…Craig made his D5 debut in net for the Mensches and made several excellent saves, leading maroon to ask for him to be their full-time goalie even though he’s not Jewish. We are breaking down barriers in this league every week, sexual and religious alike…one of the guys on the Mensches (Yaakov) has what is easily the finest beard in league history. Though they’re currently in last, I predict this beard will lead them to a victory fairly soon. It’s just too glorious.
THREE STARS OF THE GAME:
3rd – Cherie (1G)
2nd – Wes (3A)
1st – Steve Rys (2G)
MelRose Place vs Julie’s Football Club
1st Period:
JFC (1-0) – Dave Liang (1) (assisted by Justin Mazzaro) (5:23)
2nd Period:
MRP (1-1) – Matt Reape (1) (assisted by Mikey) (7:12)
JFC (2-1) – Julie (1) (unassisted) (8:31)
MRP (2-2) – Matt Reape (2) (assisted by Mikey) (13:50)
3rd Period:
MRP (3-2) – Dominic (1) (unassisted) (0:10)
GAME NOTES: Both teams were severely depleted in this one with rookie sensations Scott Storer and Ryan Levine out for yellow while orange didn’t have their goalie AJ, leading scorer Jo Robin and several other pieces I’m too lazy to look up. Julie was able to convince Dave Liang to play by using her standard mix of pleading and begging (very important tools in the captain’s toolbox) and he rewarded her by scoring the opening goal of the game, but two by Matt Reape and a weird bounce on Dominic’s game winner did the Football Club in. They controlled the last few minutes of play and had several chances with the goalie pulled but MelRose was able to hang on for a very hard fought 3-2 win in Max’s season debut…Mikey continues to push for the Leetch Award at all costs, picking up two more assists in this one. Might need Hicks to put him back in line.
THREE STARS OF THE GAME:
3rd – Mikey (2A)
2nd – Julie (1G)
1st – Matt Reape (2G)
Blueberry Bulldogs vs Shooting Blancs
2nd Period:
BLU (1-0) – Alex (1) (PP) (assisted by Wes) (1:12)
3rd Period:
BLU (2-0) – Kevin Mahoney (1) (assisted by Richard Zemel) (2:09)
BLU (3-0) – Cherie (1) (assisted by Wes) (8:51)
BLNC (1-3) – Adam Herman (2) (assisted by Sabrina) (10:08)
BLU (4-1) – Ariel (1) (unassisted) (10:41)
GAME NOTES: This game had a playoff type feel and, like the Blueberry Bulldogs’ earlier game against the Mensches, was significantly closer than the 4-1 score would indicate. In particular white certainly had the better of play in the 2nd period and had a few open chances that could have changed the game, but were either stoned by Zisser or shot it just over the net. After that, a three goal 3rd period blew the game open for blue (too many jokes to even consider here) and even a beauty of a late goal by Adam Herman was not enough to get the Blancs within striking distance. Simon did wisely use a timeout to save clock but Ariel, who was traded in a mid-draft blockbuster from white to blue, put the game out of reach with 3:19 left to seal blue’s second victory of the evening…Cherie got a breakaway in the 3rd and made no mistake with a slick little one-hander that I’m calling a semi-Forsberg. After being snake bitten last season with no goals, she picked up two highlight reel tallies on opening day and reclaimed the all-time ladies’ scoring lead from Meg…Jacob Herbers is possibly the best hockey player who has never played hockey that I’ve ever seen in my life. The league will be launching a full investigation into whether he was actually Minnesota’s football team’s kicker or a ringer on their ice hockey team playing under an alias.
THREE STARS OF THE GAME:
3rd – Cherie (1G)
2nd – Wes (2A)
1st – Zisser (W, 1 GA)