Week 1 Betting Lines (Summer 2019)

The Charging Cheetahs (-115)
The Bayside Tigers (-125)
Over 6.0 (-110)
Under 6.0 (-130)

The Pick: The summer season kicks off with a matchup between the blue and red but more importantly, two cats which will undoubtedly make both Caitlin and Jo incredibly excited. With the Parrots now defunct and the Hippos on hiatus to make room for a group of homeowners from Long Island, these are the last two animal-themed teams left in the league, a fact which probably occurred to almost no one and impressed even less of you. The Tigers will be without the services of Gabe, Zach, Caitlin and Charlotte while the Cheetahs have one top pick out (Neil) and two questionable: Derek and Riegler. Neither team is using any subs for this game and, with so much top talent potentially missing, the difference could be in goal where Jewish comedian extraordinaire Eitan The Goalie will face off against D5 playoff wins leader (by a mile) Dave GDR, fresh off his 2nd finals appearance and 4th final four appearance in four seasons, but still looking for his first league championship. Could this be the year? That remains to be seen, but with so many scorers out the under looks like the play in this one.

Cleveland Monsters (-130)
The Slashing Pumpkins (-110)
Over 5.5 (-110)
Under 5.5 (-130)

The Pick: Two new franchises begin the series with a home-and-home as Julie, Morgen and her hometown Cleveland Monsters head into Pumpkin Park to face Lee and the Slashing Pumpkins. Sweet Baby James was projected by many to land as a lottery pick but surprisingly fell all the way to the end of the first where he was scooped up by a very excited Lee. Word on the street is that Lee’s target with that pick was Tadpole Jack, making him the latest in a long line of men throughout the ages who had their targets set on someone only to somehow end up in bed with their roommate instead. Regardless, with Julie acquiring Tadpole Jack and word somehow getting back to him (keep things confidential people!) that he was almost traded Saturday morning, he considered holding out for a better contract but will be showing up to play on Tuesday like the responsible adult that he is not. The Tadpole/SBJ matchups are always great theater and yield some great moments, such as the time that Jack hobbled James with a slapshot right to the knees while his teammates yelled at him to “fackin send it” en route to a Hicks rebound goal. Zisser is out for purple and they will be using a sub in net, but with the strong leadership of Julie and LJ and a highly impressive big 3 of Jack/Hogg/Brad all expected to play, expect purple to open the season strong for the city of Cleveland and take down the Pumpkins.

Green Street Hooligans (-135)
My Cup Size Is Stanley (-105)
Over 5.5 (-110)
Under 5.5 (-130)

The Pick: In our first Summer 2018 season, Jenn met Probie in the semifinals and lost 4-1 as the Varsity Warriors rolled en route to the first D5 championship. Since then, Probie’s teams have had two challenging seasons in a row, with 7th and 8th place finishes, while Cup Size has made it to the final four for three straight seasons, but remains one of the only franchises never to make it to a championship. This season, Jenn has drafted a less chippy roster than usual; sure, JRo returns from a PCL injury as a longtime veteran of Jenn’s BTSH/OC squads and of penalty boxes around the New York area, but this team has more skill than usual, with Ariel leading the charge from the back-end while Tarnow, Rosen, and the Fresh Kills ladies Megan & Nicole give this team a ton of scoring punch, not to mention surprise 2nd round pick Scott Metz. She will also be enlisting the services of Spring’s #1 goalie, Shaun deLacy, who will look to repeat his heroics from last season. The Hooligans are one of the preseason favorites to win the championship but Probie will have a tough time filling out a roster this week with Guido out til mid-season, Joe P and Joey Bats out tomorrow and Mike Pags questionable. Mikey from Poutine will fill in for green but they’ll need their legs to keep pace with black. Hopefully better attendance times are on the horizon but for tomorrow it’ll be the Probie show as he’ll look to recapture his late-season Spring form where he made a late run and almost captured the scoring crown. deLacy shut Ben and his team out in the Spring regular season finale, but that was also behind the Cheetah’s top ranked defense. Will Ariel and the black team be able to give him the level of support worth of a large cup size? Assuming green’s girls are showing up (a definite strength of this bunch), bet on them to start the season with a win.

Goonies (-120)
Over 5.5 (-130)
Under 5.5 (-110)

The Pick: The final game of the evening is a pseudo-rematch of last season’s championship, which incredibly took place just one week ago. I say pseudo because in addition to the fact that teams have been totally redrafted so there’s not a ton in the way of consistency between the squads, the Hippos have also rebranded as the RONKONKOMA CONDO’s, with that terribly placed apostrophe possessive a reminder of the poor grasp of English apparently necessary to buy one of the aforementioned condos. Cherie invested an early round pick in her netminder, Max, but unfortunately he will be missing this game; in his place will be Ed P. Yetter and Kolokowski will be looked upon to work with Cherie in establishing a strong forecheck while she tries to find a guy willing to play defense after basically drafting a steady stream of forwards. The losses of Amitai and Rockoff for this evening will be felt, however, as Amitai celebrates a Jewish holiday involving cheesecake that I didn’t even know existed while Rockoff is probalby off shotgunning beers somewhere in Murray Hill. Hicks, meanwhile, swung two preseason trades to acquire the Tremble/Herr sisters as well as re-acquiring fan favorites Eli, McCauley and the Q Train. The team name may have changed but their penchant for clutch wins, savage celebrations and pre-game steroid use will no doubt remain a major part of this teams identity. With Olivier missing in action, they’ll be using the services of Mikey from Poutine (also sometimes known as “The Punisher”) as he will be playing his 2nd game of the evening and celebrating his apparent recent condo purchase. This game is a true toss-up but under the bright lights of the primetime game, bet on the homeowner’s association to win this one for sisterhood, for real estate values, and for America.

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