Tonight kicks off the fourth overall season of D5 hockey and will mark our one year anniversary of great goals, amazing saves, insane amounts of alcoholism and a troubling amount of gambling. The captains have spent the past 48 hours frantically trying to figure out who all these people are while everyone’s on pins and needles trying to anticipate where they’ll be picked. Our unscientific predictions:
Pick 1.01 (Alex) – Even though he plays the same position, is missing the first month of the season to go to Asia and has claimed that he will be in terrible shape when he returns, barring a last minute Lindros-esque blockbuster trade, Alex selects Gabe at #1.
Pick 1.02 (Probie) – Probie had his own draft lottery where he could pick himself between picks 2-5. Unfortunately he did not get lucky and has to pick himself at #2 although many would argue that’s where the league’s all-time leading scorer deserves to go anyways.
Pick 1.03 (Jo-Ann) – Lots of options here for Jo-Ann. She could take SBJ, Poutine teammate and top 10 in scoring for the Cheetahs last season. She could opt for Ariel and solidify her defense, a player she told me just the other day she would love to play with someday. The Tim Burke / Tim K goalie tandem is mighty tempting itself; the Cheetahs were the top defensive team last season and deLacy won the #1 goalie award with them. Ultimately, though, last seasons scoring champion is too good a prize to pass up and she selects Derek at #3.
Pick 1.04 (Jenn) – Jenn likes to build a physical team every year because she loves being league sweethearts. After a season where she spent her top two picks on defensemen, here she’ll go for a scoring punch up front and take SBJ.
Pick 1.05 (Hicks) – DRAMA! Hicks was slated to go as a 2nd rounder but due to an impressive showing as the playoff scoring leader, with two goals each in the semis and finals, the captains voted him into a first round slot. He was only eligible to be picked in the back half of the round but as is tradition, he got terribly unlucky and is thus his own 5th overall pick. To live up to this billing he will have to take more pre-workout/Taco Bell/steroids than ever before. Hope his colon is ready.
Pick 1.06 (Cherie) – Cherie is a high flying offensive player and loves having a teammate who can fly up and down the court with her, setting up chances and putting max pressure on the opposing defense. With the 6th overall pick, she takes Mike Yetter. The last time he was in the league, he won the Adam Banks Playoff MVP Award en route to a championship with the Cleveland Browns. Let’s see what type of stats he puts up on a revamped Goonies squad looking to become the first franchise to repeat in league history.
Pick 1.07 (Julie) – Lots of options here, including a ton of players on the Shortis. Olivier, Hogg and the Tim tandem are all tempting, and Ariel is still on the board as the defending assists leader and Brian Leetch Offensive Defenseman Award winner. But I don’t think Julie will be able to pass up her longtime Shortis goaltender, one half of the tandem, and will select Tim K / Tim Burke to man the nets for her squad.
Pick 1.08 & 2.01 (Lee) – Ah, the fun of drafting. In a scenario that would’ve sounded hilarious at least year’s draft for a variety of reasons but one very specific one, Lee selects Ariel with his first round pick and gets a franchise defenseman who can control the game from the blueline that we don’t have on the 96th street court. With his second pick on the snake, he picks up one of the most versatile players in the draft in Olivier to give him two savvy veterans, an excellent base with which to start his new team.
Pick 2.02 (Julie) – Having taken a goalie off the board in round 1 and with herself already on her squad as the 2nd leading female scorer in league history, Julie needs a strong guy here and preferably one who plays D. It’s a tough choice between Shortis teammates Brad and Hogg but drafting a goalie in the 1st allows you to prioritize offense from the back end ala PK Subban vs sturdy positional play ala Shea Weber. Hogg is the pick here.
Pick 2.03 (Cherie) – Even though she was originally slotted in as a late 1st rounder, Cherie was able to finagle her way into a 2nd round draft position and looks to defend her crown by selecting the league’s all time leading playoff scorer…herself.
Pick 2.04 (Hicks) – Hicks is clearly not happy about missing out on his 1st round pick, but is ecstatic to see his Hippos teammate (and Sarah’s Math teammate) Tadpole Jack available here. Jack burst on the scene as 2019’s rookie of the year sensation, beating out stiff competition from Stu Barnes and Spencer and finishing #6 in the scoring race. And he got an autographed stick from his captain! Truly an amazing moment.
Pick 2.05 (Jenn) – With SBJ providing the scoring punch, Jenn selects her longtime Demons teammate and hockey husband Brad to give her a true #1 defenseman. I’ve heard he’s sold the yacht, much to the delight of his apparently not-imaginary wife (I met her – she does exist!).
Pick 2.06 (Jo-Ann) – With Derek leading the charge on the 1st line and Sully on the 2nd, Jo is probably looking at either a goalie or an elite lady here. Though Carlin was fantastic last season en route to winning the inaugural Defensewoman of the Year Award, Jo switches it up and selects her teammate from the Fall 2018 season, Sena.
Pick 2.07 (Ben) – Probie’s gone 2nd round goalie in three years straight. It worked like a charm in that glorious Summer 2018 season, less so in the past two. With the only D5 goalie he’s even known (Tim Burke) off the board and several strong options remaining, Probie selects one of the top scorers in BTSH thus far this season, Neil of the Demons, with his 2nd pick to give his team two dangerous scoring options.
Pick 2.08 & 3.01 (Alex) – The winner of the draft lottery already has defense locked with Gabe but unfortunately has to select himself as well. Fortunately, he won the draft lottery and so he gets to slot himself in as the last pick of the 2nd round, much to the chagrin of the Meatbox. With the opening pick of the 3rd round, there are a lot of considerations – scoring threats like Tarnow (fresh off a top 10 scoring race finish), wily vets like Joe P, great all around players like Fleming or elite ladies like Carlin, LJ, Cheeky, Marcella, Andrea…we really have a bunch this year. However, considering Zisser came up with the probable name of this team (The See You Next Tuesdays), the pick here is the Assman himself.
How will the real draft shake out? Who will be the first to make a blockbuster draft night trade? Who will end up with the powerhouse team and whose picks will be mercilessly mocked throughout the evening as they slowly descend into a full blown panic over the multiple asswhoopings they are sure to receive this season? Stay tuned to this website and our Facebook page to find out!