Week 6 Betting Lines (Fall 2019)

Hungry Hippos (-135)
Goonies (-105)
Over 6.0 (-120)
Under 6.0 (-120)

Notes: The Rehabs take on Mega Sunday afternoon but for an hour on Friday, Cherie will do battle with Hicks and Ramy of the newly rebranded Hippos Reboot.  The Hippos were a longstanding original six franchise before moving to Ronkonkoma last season.  After a disappointing exit on the first weekend of the playoffs they rebranded to the Happy Little Elves in honor of their too often not so happy elves.  However, Hicks was going for the biggest overreaction in NY ball hockey history and, after last week’s loss to the #1 seeded Cup Size, opted to go back to the Hippos life.  The Hippos have technically lost in the championship the last two seasons of their existence (Spring ’19 and Fall ’18), but the Goonies have won the championship in the last two seasons of theirs.  Of course, historic records don’t mean as much in a league where teams are redrafted every season so throw that last sentence in the trash along with the Happy Little Elves (9/4/19 – 10/1/19).  I thought I’d be meeting Cherie in Nashville where I was hoping she knew of a good connection for drugs but unfortunately for the yellow team she stayed behind to crush their souls with clap bombs from the point.  The Goonies will have Mike T in for Yetter while the Elves are missing Dana who is being placed on the IR. In any case, go chalk for this one and take the Elves to maintain their hold on 2nd place.

Purple People Eaters (+250)
My Cup Size Is Stanley (-400)
Purple People Eaters (+2.5 Goals) (-120)
My Cup Size Is Stanley (-2.5 Goals) (-120)
Over 5.5 (-120)
Under 5.5 (-120)

Notes: Fresh off their first victory of the season, the People Eaters will now travel east to Cup Size stadium (capacity: DD) to face the 1st place Cup Size.  Jenn is still out with a bum knee but her boobs will be behind the bench to coach and hopefully cover the spread as there is sure to be ample action on purple after last week’s win.  Purple won by finally deploying their speed game, giving the Cheetahs precious little breathing room and frustrating them throughout.  They’ll have to do that and more against the black team who are riding back-to-back shutouts on the strength of stingy D and clutch goaltending from Jeff Green, who is now presumably fully recovered from Burning Man and whooping ass all over the league.  Gabe is out for this game as are Gene, ChooChoo, Amitai, Sara, LJ and Christina.  Purple will be missing Klion and Liz Tremble but should have most of their guys in tow including SBJ and Braun, the two first rounders who opposing captains worried might break the league but opted instead to break Jack’s heart.  They’ve combined for one goal thus far and will be paying a higher share of the rent this month if SBJ has any money left after last month’s gambling losses and ramen dating bill (to be fair, he did finally win a bet last week).  Dave GDR is going to have to put the team on his back and match Jeff Green save for save while some combination of Jack, Nate and Pags hold it down on defense.  -400 may not be sexy, but it will pay the bills (assuming you have a bill to pay that costs $5).  Take black to keep on rolling en route to a likely playoff double-bye.

The Charging Cheetahs (-105)
Stud Puffins (-135)
Over 5.5 (-110)
Under 5.5 (-130)

Notes: The two preseason favorites met in week 1 where the Puffins pulled out a 3-1 victory.  Since then they had a three game losing streak in which they only scored three combined goals before rebounding with a statement 5-1 victory over the Hooligans.  Orange is now getting their mojo back and last week looked like a top contender, but they’ll face a stiff test against a Cheetahs squad desperate for a victory.  The standings are super tight and this game has massive implications for both sides.  If the Puffins win in regulation they are comfortably among the league’s elite and in the thick of the battle for top 4 positioning and bye placement while the Cheetahs are likely locked in the bottom 4.  A victory by the Cheetahs would vault them ahead of orange and give them a good shot at a 3-4 seed.  The Cheetahs will be using the services of Andrea in place of Carlin and a lady TBD so Nico doesn’t die out there.  Should be a close game that could go either way, but probably goes under.

Backdoor Bandits (+130)
Green Street Hooligans (-170)
Over 7.5 (-120)
Under 7.5 (-120)

Notes: Jeff Green may be whooping ass but no one could be on the butt stuff team but Zisser and he’s been stellar this season.  Unfortunately he will be out of action this weekend and in his place could be the D5 debut of Captain Jack, part-time goalie.  Will he be better in net than he was at drafting a team?  Will he better at stopping balls than he is at fondling them?  Maybe don’t answer that second one.  In any case, Jack started his pre-game routine two days ago for some reason. Reaction to his goaltending debut has been all over the map:

…so, I guess we’ll see how this grand experiment works out, and Seb might not want to play on any teams with me anymore. In addition, the Bandits will be without myself and Caitlin, off in Nashville for a wedding, while Kelsey is also out with a sub TBD (hopefully Marcella if she can tear herself away from her p90x workouts for 40 minutes).  On the green side of the ledger Danilo is out, Casca is subbing for Barch and Riegler is a GTD but trending towards out. This is another one of those absurd SBJ specials, especially with hot news on the wire that Probie at the time of this writing is considering giving Casca the boot and suiting up in net himself. We only have one set of league goalie gear (really a half-set now that much of it was stolen) but we would buy another set for him. I’ve been holding back on publishing these lines for about an hour now because I have no idea how the hell to handicap this game but it’s 12:24 local time in Nashville and I need to start drinking. Go to town degenerates.

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