My Cup Size Is Stanley (EVEN)
Captain Morgen’s Pirates (-140)
Over 5.5 (-120)
Under 5.5 (-120)
Notes: It’s the first game in Pirates franchise history as they head to Cup Size stadium to face what is now the only franchise with an unchanged name since the inaugural season (the Hippos briefly reverted to the Condos and the short lived Elves monikers). They were installed by the league book as the preseason favorite but will have their hands full with a chippy (what else is new) Cup Size team. Perhaps the biggest issue for Morgen will be not getting her players too drunk during the game as she has promised that shots of Captain will be flowing basically nonstop on the bench. With a fast and well-rounded team featuring ample speed, scoring, defense and Zisser in net, the white team looks to be formidable but getting by Cup Size will be no easy task with defending league scoring champion Zac Hogg along with Sara Lehman, Sena and Max in net. Fortunately the white team has a secret weapon in Jamal who scored her first career D5 goal in the final game of the Fall regular season and will look to build on that, much to Max’s chagrin. Earlier today Scotty declared Cup Size to be “very good,” then promised to remove an article of clothing for each goal he scored today. Let’s hope it’s enough to amp up the crowd, but maybe not enough to get him arrested.
Purple Tuna (-145)
Crimson Wave (+105)
Over 6.0 (-120)
Under 6.0 (-120)
Notes: Meg’s menstruation-themed team makes its debut tonight as it takes on Jack’s Purple Tuna which, contrary to popular belief, is not a euphemism for penis. It’s actually the name of the much-improved purple team (sorry to any People Eaters alum) who actually look to have a good shot at winning the league title. Of course, it would be extremely difficult for the rest of us to live in a world where Jack has outdrafted and outcaptained us all to a title so we might have to disband the league if that does go down. One bet was indeed made official this past weekend on top of a mountain, possibly while one or both participants were under the influence: if either purple or red win the title this year, the other captain is barred from captaining again for the rest of 2020. Shelly, Neil, Henry and co are ready to make sure Meg never names a team after her lady cycle again but with Jeff Green in net, Carlin on D and the mysterious Brett Kaiser facing off against his college teammate Austin. Will this be the start of a rookie campaign to remember or the beginning of a purple championship run that destroys D5?
Sexier (-130)
Goal Diggers (-110)
Over 6.0 (-130)
Under 6.0 (-110)
Notes: Derek is in Cabo, Rachel’s on a work trip and LJ has the flu (at least we hope it’s the flu) for blue while orange will be without the services of Tash and Shoni. Subs are TBD but in the first game for the Goal Diggers they’ll face a veteran squad in blue. Ariel is making his D5 debut as a forward while Josh returns from his sabbatical as one of the most underrated forwards in the league. Meanwhile, Mike T has taken time off from being the most prolific mercenary in league history to actually play full-time on the orange team. They’re going to struggle without Tash as very few ladies can match her combination of tenacious defense and high hockey IQ but a 2nd line of Guido/Tarnow with Mike T manning the 1st unit is quite difficult from a matchup perspective. Key matchup is in net where Dave GDR, the wiliest of vets, will face off against Cascada who made it to the finals last season after winning a medal as a sub for the Spring 2019 Goonies. I’m obviously biased but as flashy as Casca’s glove can be, I think Dave’s superior age and facial hair will lead blue to victory.
Hungry Hippos (-130)
Green Street Hooligans (-110)
Over 5.5 (-120)
Under 5.5 (-120)
Notes: The Hippos and Hooligans face off in a rematch of last season’s championship, except as usual they have entirely new rosters. Whereas Hicks always spends his first pick on some offensive support for himself (be it from the back end in Ariel or a linemate in Olivier or Hogg), this season he drafted goaltender extraordinaire Tim K. Tim’s been in a tandem for two seasons but this year has been named the unquestioned starter for yellow. In his lone D5 season as a starter he won the championship with one of the best teams in league history, the Cleveland Browns. While he won’t have Luke, Yetter and Julie to put up a combined 36 points (a league record for a single line), he does have a very solid team in front of him led by the Hicks family and their new daughter, rookie J-Diggity McDonnell (can’t misspell the name if you replace most of it with diggity). The Hooligans will be without the services of Cherie and Charlotte as Probert went with the gambler’s fantasy football strategy of drafting injured players in hopes that his team will hold the fort and eventually get them back for the playoffs. Unfortunately with rain looking the way it does it’s around a coinflip whether this game even gets played but if it does I like Mr Hicks and low-key cat lover Tim K to get a modicum of revenge on Mr Probert with a season opening victory in the primetime game.
BONUS LINES
Who will score more points tonight?
Hogg + Russo + McCauley (+110)
SBJ + ScottyK + Tarzan (-150)
Who will score more points tonight?
Meg + Brett Kaiser (+130)
Jack + Austin (-170)
Who will score more points tonight?
Ariel + AFrey + JRo (-120)
Mike T + Tarnow + Guido (-120)
Who will score more points tonight?
Probie + Danilo (-130)
Hicks + Mikey (-110)
Grand Salami (total goals on the evening; shootout goals don’t count)
Over 22.5 (-125)
Under 22.5 (-115)
Will there be a shutout?
Yes (+200)
No (-325)
Will any game go to overtime?
Yes (+200)
No (-325)
Will all four games be completed tonight?
Yes (+150)
No (-250)