Spicy Tuna Rolls Horny Helmet Men (EVEN)
My Cup Size Is Stanley (-140)
Over 6.0 (-105)
Under 6.0 (-135)
Notes: The first matchup of the night is a rematch of last week’s primetime game where the Tunas/Horny Men were handed their first loss of the season by way of Tash shootout dagger. As usual purple has a goalie controversy on its hands with Corey out of town and Casca subbing in yet again, hopefully this time for the full game. They will also be without the services of McCauley, Kolenberg, Vanessa and Vanessa’s dog while black will be missing Tash, Mo, Elliot, Jeremy and possibly Hogg although he seems to be trending towards playing. Meg will take Tash’s place as she will take literally any excuse to beat Jack’s ass while two BTSH free agents turned Demons will be subbing in for black. Honestly there’s really no need for Cup Size to have these extra subs and it’s borderline against the rules but I also have no idea how Jack keeps getting a first round goalie upgrade so whatever, let them fight. Jack and Jenn in the octagon; two enter, one leaves. I don’t like Jack’s chances. In this game as opposed to an octagon showdown, however, he has a chance as he and Mike T will launch their standard 50 shot attempts, Sena/Annie will each play half the game and Riegler will run around the court with no regard for human life. Max, as usual and as befitting the #1 overall draft pick this season, will be the key to victory for black. He came up huge in last week’s shootout and will need to outplay Casca to give black their 2nd win of the season. I don’t know if he’ll do it but I will definitely be taking the under for the game total and, seeing as Jack has promised to frame Jenn for sexual harassment, the over for sex scandals related to this game.
Green Street Hooligans (+105)
The Goaldiggers (-145)
Over 6.0 (-110)
Under 6.0 (-130)
Notes: Green heads to Vegas looking for their first victory of the season before Glanzer disowns his nephew and Cherie disowns this league. They’ll have the services of John Walker and Annie subbing in for this one while white has a full lineup except for Dan Burns, a player so good his slapshot is Michelin rated. Last week these teams played in the early game and white won 3-1 but Glanzer wasn’t there so this time they should win at least 6-1. But while green is certainly an underdog to the team many felt should have been the preseason favorite, I have a feeling they’re going to come out strong for this game. Probert and Cherie have been through nightmare D5 seasons where wins are ever elusive and before you know it you’re 0-5 and facing a tough playoff path as the D5 format is as cold and unforgiving as my Soviet upbringing. I think they understand the importance of this game and, after losing two tight games to start the season, will surprise people tonight. Pags and Marron will be ready to do the Poutine thing where they run for days and annoy the shit out of the defense and greens own defense, led by Joe P, Walker and Glanzer, will be bringing approximately 136 years of hockey experience to the table. Book the upset special: Hooligans win their first of the season tonight.
Green Street Hooligans (+110)
Crimson Wave (-150)
Over 6.0 (-105)
Under 6.0 (-135)
Notes: The final game of the evening pits the Green Street Hooligans in the 2nd game of their doubleheader against the Crimson Wave. Why is this preview listed 3rd when it’s the 4th game of the night? I think you know why…because the next preview is the longest one in league history. So while I still have my sanity, let’s see what we’re in for here. Green will be playing their second game of the night which does hurt their odds somewhat, and their female sub is up in the air as Annie has to decide whether she has anything better to do on a Tuesday night than spend hours at the rink playing her 3rd ball hockey game of the night. Then again she was an integral part of the Fall 2019 championship team that served as perhaps the finest example of The Ewing Theory that ever existed. This time, unfortunately, they’ll have to find a way to win with Probert in the lineup. The Wave will be cruising without Sara Klein, Sanchick and Chester, possibly one or two others, very hard for me to keep track of all these lineup changes while loading up on supplements for tonights game. They will possibly be enlisting the services of Meg’s random LA hipster college friend who got hammered drunk last night at Bowery Electric and for some reason sent me photos of it or possibly the services of some dude Sully pulled off the BTSH free agent list when he should have been cutting his hair (jk, pls never cut those majestic golden locks). As usual the rosters will probably be in flux all the way until gametime but Zisser v deLacy is the courtroom battle turned goaltending showdown I didn’t even know I needed until this morning when the Fireball Bowl pre-game trash talk became so ridiculous lawyers had to get involved. Another exceedingly difficult game to handicap as much of it will depend on how the first game goes for green and what last minute changes these people foist on me but since I don’t want to get sued for libel by either goaltender, let’s take the under and call it a day.
THE FIREBALL BOWL
Hungry Hippos (-130)
Sex Panthers (-110)
Over 7.0 (-110)
Under 7.0 (-130)
Notes: With apologies to the Meg/Jack UES Cup, this is the crown jewel of the regular season schedule, the most highly anticipated game of the season. Record high ratings. Sponsorships flowing in. Record rates of injuries and steroid hospitalizations. It can only mean one thing: at long last, the Fireball Bowl is back. A storied tradition unlike any other, it began in the inaugural Summer 2018 seasons as Team Sexy rattled off 9-3 and 6-2 wins before a 5-2 playoff victory played in the middle of a lightning storm (this actually happened, 2018 was wild). The Hippos stormed back with an electric OT win in Fall 2018 that jumpstarted their push to the finals and ensured that Avery never registered for D5 again. Spring 2019’s iteration was another OT classic that featured the first overturned by video review shootout goal in league history as Adam Herman shadily took two steps backwards on his attempt only for Courtney to end it on the very next shot. Summer 2019 saw blue missing a ton of players and facing a team called The Ronkonkoma Condos (what a time to be alive that was) and put down by one of the most physical lines in D5 history, Eli/Susie/The Q Train. Fall 2019 saw the Bandits prevail over the Hippos in one of the most physical games in league history, punctuated by Karsten scoring the winner with just over a minute left and Hogg breaking my toe. The Hippos got their revenge in the playoffs with a final four victory before falling in an upset to the Probert-less Hooligans…and finally, after a long history lesson that maybe five people read, we come to today. While I wish I could tell you this is just an ordinary ball hockey game between two .500 teams looking to jump into the top 3 in the standings, there is a lot going on here. Over the past 29 hours, beginning at 9:30 AM yesterday, I have been the target of an insane, steroid fueled intimidation campaign the likes of which we’ve never seen. At one point Hicks told me he was outside my window and I actually thought he might be out there.
In a fitting preview of what’s coming tonight, the Meatbox’s repeated transgressions led to his goalie getting run. We may not have Mike Warren but we do have a Florian tonight and seeing as he is fleeing the state for the west coast this weekend he has no duty to obey any local laws (or so I have advised him).
This game also holds the distinction of being the first D5 contest to have attorneys involved as I felt the nonstop stream of threats I was receiving demanded legal attention. After this game is completed, win or lose, I plan on suspending deLacy and looking into having him disbarred.
And yet, even in the face of possible legal action, Captain Hippo Meatbox Future Murderer remains undaunted in his public wishes to have me brutalized mid-game.
So now that we’ve demonstrated beyond the shadow of a doubt that if anything happens to me Hicks is to be arrested immediately, Zisser is to be the executor of my will and Caitlin should wait at least two months to date anyone out of respect unless they’re significantly better at hockey than I am in which case I totally understand, we now get to the matter of actually talking about the hockey game itself. Hicks spent literally hours studying D5 film last night (I will spare you the text screenshots as he was giving us a play-by-play in real time) and he and Braun will be wearing matching Roman Josi shirts tonight, ironic since neither of them play defense nor have much interest in backchecking or passing. In fact Hicks has not recorded an assist since August of 2019, a time period so long ago that he wasn’t married yet, Skinny Braun was Barrel Braun (stick tap to Jack for that fine bit of fat shaming) and Coronavirus sounded like it was an STD contracted by overzealous spring breakers in Acapulco. In the absence of Austin, Rockoff, Liang, Boyle and Rickard, blue will be pulling in the services of the German Braun, Florian, along with Joel “Damn You Jenn” Caldwell and John Walker who will receive a lifetime ban from D5 if he lets the Meatbox record a hat trick tonight. Yellow will be without the services of Brad but otherwise has all their big guns in the lineup tonight. With both teams wanting this victory more than they want to get any actual work done today it’s an exceedingly difficult game to handicap. Yellow has a mostly full roster but blue is coming out hot, led by rookie goalie Dr. Ryan Waldman who apparently began drinking at 6 AM today much to the chagrin of his patients today and the fine example of Alex Rockoff, out for this game but forever in our hearts after last week’s legendary play where he completely laid out and sacrificed his body in an attempt to stop a shot with 4 seconds left in a 5-2 game. Truly remarkable stuff here.
So who’s going to win this game? Both sides are amped up beyond anything I’ve ever seen, taking performance enhancing substances, making sidebets and generally freaking out the rest of the league. The Josi Bros are going to come out firing but I am ripping C4 before the game and I will be ready to party tonight. Bet on blue, bet on yellow, bet on one of the 20 prop bets I’ve listed below…it’s up to you but this is a game not to be missed. Fireball Bowl V. This time, it’s personal.
BONUS PROPS
First Period Line
Hungry Hippos (-120)
Sex Panthers (-120)
Over 2.0 (-120)
Under 2.0 (-120)
Hungry Hippos Team Total
Over 3.5 (-120)
Under 3.5 (-120)
Sex Panthers Team Total
Over 3.5 (-110)
Under 3.5 (-130)
Player To Score The First Goal
Meatbox (+220)
Skinny Braun (+250)
AFrey (+300)
Florian (+350)
Jon Herman (+350)
Ben McCloskey (+400)
Ryann (+500)
Shelly (+500)
Joel (+600)
Russo (+600)
Field (+300)
Most Points In The Fireball Bowl
Meatbox (-0.5) (-140)
AFrey (+0.5) (EVEN)
Most Points In The Fireball Bowl
Skinny Jake Braun (-150)
Muscular Florian Braun (+110)
Most Points In The Fireball Bowl
Josi Bros (-170)
AFrey + Florian (+130)
Most Points In The Fireball Bowl
Jon Herman + Joel (-130)
Ben McCloskey + Yehuda (-110)
Most Points In The Fireball Bowl
All Yellow Female Players (Shelly + Sarah + Solgon + Liz Tremble) (-135)
All Blue Female Players (Kelsey + Caitlin + Ryann + Dana) (-105)
What Number Will Be Higher?
Hicks Goals (-160)
Hicks Penalty Minutes (+120)
What Number Will Be Higher?
Hicks Goals (EVEN)
First Period Goals (-140)
What Number Will Be Higher?
Hicks + Braun + AFrey Goals (+105)
Goals By Everyone Else In Game (-145)
Will The Game Go To OT?
Yes (+350)
No (-500)
Will Either Team Notch A Shutout?
Yes (+600)
No (-900)
How Many Times Will Hicks Use The Phrase “Josi Bros” Between 8:15 and 9:30 PM EST?
Over 17.5 (-120)
Under 17.5 (-120)
How Many Bones Will Hicks Break Tonight, Both His & Others?
Over 3.5 (-120)
Under 3.5 (-120)
Will Hicks Get Suspended As Result Of Actions During This Game?*
Yes (+300)
No (-450)
*(please don’t kill anyone, you’re a married man)
Will Hicks Get Divorced As Result Of Actions During This Game?*
Yes (+400)
No (-600)
*(I did warn you not to kill anyone)
Total Number Of Sleeves On Hicks’ Shirt
Over 0.5 (+160)
Under 0.5 (-220)
Will Anyone Shit Their Pants During Play Of This Game?
Yes (+300)
No (-400)
If Yes, Who Is The Culprit?
Braun (-150)
Hicks (+120)
Field (+700)