Week 1 Betting Lines (Summer/Fall 2021)

My Cup Size Is Stanley (-120)
The Barrel (-120)
Over 6.0 (-130)
Under 6.0 (-110)

Notes: The opening game of the Summer/Fall 2021 season sees Jenn, Max and their merry band of ringers stroll into Barrel Stadium (RIP Barrel Braun) to face Jack, Derek and the two leading female ROY candidates in Krueger and Abby (Annie always insists on a strong showing by the ladies, as you may know). Cup Size should have most of their lineup in tow and will be hoping for reigning scoring champion Neil to combine with ScottyK for the most annoying line to play against in the league while Brad, Jeff and Choochoo round out the Demons caucus. The Barrel will feature elite scoring punch combined with a very solid defense anchored by Henry and Abby but the most intriguing part of this team will be the play of rookie goalie Chris B, who I have never seen play and thus have literally no comment about except that I highly doubt he’s 25 years old as he indicated in his pre-draft registration. Opening day is always a crapshoot as it’s difficult to tell which teams will gel quicker and which will have some growing pains. For today, I’m handicapping this game as a coinflip but with Krueger/Carly confirmed out for this game while Annie/Sophie are questionable, betting on Cup Size to break Jacks heart yet again, as is tradition.

Green Street Hooligans (-135)
Frothing Hyenas (-105)
Over 6.0 (-130)
Under 6.0 (-110)

Notes: I have no idea what a Frothing Hyena is, nor do I particularly want to, but this is a hockey preview and we have a job to do here at D5 media headquarters. I had personally suggested Frotting Hyenes as an alternate name but was unfortunately rebuffed (Google it if you don’t know the term, although I wouldn’t recommend doing so on any sort of work device). The Hyenas have an impressive collection of talent up front with Cherie, Braun, Riegler, Metz and Rys while Kev, Lerner and Hilary anchor the defense in front of Dave GDR. Meanwhile Probert executed a draft-day deal to allow him to both draft Corey in round 1 and still get AK as his wingman in round 2. The two of them will look to light up the Hyenas while Casca subs in and tries to match Corey in saves and suaveness (good luck). Once again, exceedlingly difficult to handicap week one matchups but the combo of Probert and Austin is just too potent and I think the Hyenas are going to have issues containing all the speed and offense green is bringing tonight. Green to pick up a season opening victory. Hyenas, think about that frotting name change.

The Goaldiggers (-110)
Hungry Hippos (-130)
Over 6.0 (-115)
Under 6.0 (-125)

Notes: The Hippos pick up the Summer/Fall season the same way they finished the Spring season, with a short roster and a bunch of question marks just before gametime. LJ is confirmed out while it’s unclear if Lily has access to her GMail account or is already drunk on a Tuesday (she works in finance so you never know). Elliot, Tony D, Dewey and Shirtless Rob are all confirmed out as well and Jeff Green continues his quest to do drugs in every country in the world; in their place, yellow will be using Max in net and possibly Hilary if Lily doesn’t show up. The Goaldiggers hope she does as they will have Izzy in the lineup and the season opening Mule civil war is one which fans have been clamoring for as they tailgate in the project parking lot with 40s of Olde English and Fireball party buckets. Tarnow is questionable for this game himself with a mysterious “neck injury.” I’ll be sprinkling some $$ on the under as I consult with Larry David on what exactly Tarnow must have been doing this past weekend to hurt his neck in this manner.

The Sexy Ducks (-120)
Orange Royals (-120)
Over 6.0 (-120)
Under 6.0 (-120)

Notes: Tonight’s primetime game sees the long awaited return of the orange team led by Matt Russo, searching for redemption after a dark playoff exit in the Fall 2019 playoffs. To refresh: the purple team that season was made up of the entire patio apartment, an arrangement that numerous captains worried would break the parity of the league. Despite my repeated assurances to these people that a) you can’t build a solid all-around team just around 3 elite scorers and b) they would draft terribly their first time around, people bitched even more than they do before a normal draft, which is really saying something in this league. Purple ended up being so bad that for the first time in league history we had to institute spread betting for all their games en route to a 2 win regular season finish and an 8th seed. In the playoffs these teams met and orange jumped out to a 3-0 lead and it looked like the romp was on. Derek missed the game, as he did most games that season, but was on his way to the rink after I told him, with a 3 goal lead and 5 minutes left, he was definitely playing at 8:20. And then, the most improbable comeback in league history as purple scored three goals in the final five minutes of regulation to go to OT, then killed an early OT penalty before scoring immediately thereafter on a 2 on 1 to win the game, go to the next round and ensure that Lee never agrees to draft a team again.

Orange did win their lone game of the aborted 2020 season but with those games scrubbed from the records and only seven teams in the Spring of 2021, this is the first official game for the franchise since that fateful night in 2019. Russo is on a quest to restore the dignity of the orange team and he’s done it with an eclectic roster featuring vets like Tash/Danilo and newcomers like Anthony Otis and the newest patio roommate Sean Gavin. The blue team went with what Hicks described as “the riskiest draft strategy of all time” drafting all three of the wildcards (injured Meg, injured McCauley and Florida resident Ariel) along with multiple players who will be missing the first 3-4 weeks of the season. Still, the team has a ton of depth and even though Waldman will be out tonight, backup goalie Jack “The Jackuum” McGinty will be taking a break from captaining the purple team to bring his barrel into the net as the Ducks’ backup goalie. He picked up a victory over Cobra Kai at BTSH this past week but will have his hands full as Russo would love nothing more than to light his ass up tonight. Then again, Russo is in danger of being lit up himself by the Poutine first line of Sully/Mikey on the first shift of tonight’s game. Zisser will also be coming directly from a dinner and thus in severe jeopardy of riding the buzz train for this one. I may be somewhat biased but even with a short lineup I’m betting on the Ducks to pick up a season opening victory for the team and for New York’s hottest new goalie.

Jack getting ready for tonight’s showdown

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