The Goaldiggers (-140)
The Sexy Ducks (EVEN)
Over 6.0 (-110)
Under 6.0 (-130)
Notes: As usual I have no idea if these games are actually going to go down but hey, it’s 2:30 and the forecast seems to be clearing up and the people demand gambling lines so by god, we are going to give it to them. Tarnow is a GTD for the Goaldiggers while FlipCutler and Cantor are confirmed out and Izzy, like her Colby teammate Lily, is virtually impossible to reach via email and thus will be marked as questionable for every game for the rest of the season. Meanwhile the Ducks knew they’d have roster issues this season but even for a team drafted specifically for playoffs, this lineup is pretty shocking: Alex, Mikey, Stabel, Ariel, Mahoney, Nicki and Waldman are the only rostered players coming. DRo, Sammi and Mel are confirmed in to sub and hopefully Tarnow will allow one or two more so that we don’t have a mass suicide taking place on the courts by 7:00 (save it for the late games). With both teams missing so much firepower the game itself is incredibly difficult to handicap but the laziness of short benches in running all over the court is much easier to predict. Take the under and bet on Waldman/Casca to do some cool stuff out there and let me move on to the next preview.
Hungry Hippos (-120)
My Cup Size Is Stanley (-120)
Over 6.0 (-105)
Under 6.0 (-135)
Notes: Waldman will be subbing in net for the Hippos as Jeff Green continues his (probably) drug-fueled expedition across western Europe. Jenn is missing two women and has already asked Hicks if anyone from Team USA can sub – absent that, she will be rolling either 3 or 4 women with most of her guys showing up. It’s hard to ascertain too much from last week’s rained out 70% of a game against The Barrel but Cup Size did look pretty good, using the speed of Scotty/Neil/Jeff to generate forechecking pressure while Max made a crazy save every now and then, as he is wont to do. The Hippos haven’t played together yet but I’m betting they will come out fired up and ready to rock. The only real question is whether Jenn does anything grossly illegal, off or on the court (see below), but my bet is on the Hippos to come out reeking of preworkout & steroids and pick up a season opening win.
Orange Royals (EVEN)
Green Street Hooligans (-140)
Over 6.0 (-125)
Under 6.0 (-115)
Notes: After missing out on the opportunity to open the season last week the Royals will look to reclaim the pride of the Orange Franchise as they face off against Probert, Charlotte, multiple Austins and the Hooligans. Somehow I just remembered that I had a dream last night that my team was called the Green Street Hooligans. Very weird when you just remember a dream you had out of nowhere like that. Does that mean I secretly want to be Probert or possibly kill Probert? He does have great hair and is better at hockey than me but eh I kind of like the guy so I probably will not be murdering him anytime soon and if he does die of mysterious circumstances this entire page will be scrubbed from the internet (anyone screenshotting this preview will be suspended). Anyways, enough about dream analysis, this should be a solid game and thankfully no one has asked me for subs because I’m busy enough trying to find a cameraperson for the night (anyone looking to make some extra cash and get heckled on Facebook, inquire within). Austin vs his college teammate and new patio roommate Sean Gavin is a fun storyline as is the battle between super suave Corey and not nearly as suave Zisser. As the only writer in the D5 media I like the orange redemption storyline a lot because it gives me something to talk about besides flipcup and weird dreams I had but with actual cold hard cash on the line, give me the Hooligans to pick up a season opening victory here.
Frothing Hyenas (-105)
The Barrel (-135)
Over 6.5 (-130)
Under 6.5 (-110)
Notes: This could turn into either the game of the night or the worst game I’ve ever seen in my life. There really isn’t much middle ground. This game, which I am dubbing “The Bajko Bowl” after the Hyenas snaked Bajko, Kev and Rys all literally one pick before Jack was undoubtedly going to draft them, features a ton of elite talents but also a ton of wildcards. The Barrel looked solid in last week’s game, down 3-2 to Cup Size with 8:40 left before our latest unexpected flash thunderstorm but also controlling play in the 3rd period and pressing hard for the extra goal. Dave vs Chris B will be an intriguing battle of grizzled veterans in net and it will be interesting to see if Riegler mauls anyone in this game or keeps it civil for his season opener. Like all games where we have basically no data on these teams going in, this is a tough one to handicap a winner but I’m betting on The Barrel to ride that momentum from last week, honor the memory of their namesake Barrel Braun and pick up a hard fought win. Assuming these games actually happen, of course, which is tough to tell because everyone keeps sinning and god is vengeful. Let us pray.