WEEK ONE CONCLUSION LINE (Cup Size Leads 3-2 with 8:40 left):
My Cup Size Is Stanley (-190)

The Barrel (+140)
Over 6.0 (-200)
Under 6.0 (+150)

My Cup Size Is Stanley (EVEN)

The Barrel (-140)
Over 6.0 (-120)
Under 6.0 (-120)

Notes: These two teams will finish the final 8:40 of their season opener which unfortunately got rained out before proceeding to play a regular game. Cup Size is up 3-2 but will be without the services of Scotty or Neil. Neil might jump in last minute but I’ve been told that is extremely unlikely. Of course, what would a purple/black showdown be like without a good old fashioned ringer controversy as the D5 media was forwarded this text sent from Jenn to Max around 11 PM last night in regards to a potential sub that was coming in for this game:

Jenn swears that this was sent because Max constantly overrates his own players and thus his overly optimistic projections need to be held in check. League members are skeptical, wondering if this mystery player was Avery with a fake mustache or Artemi Panarin. In any case it appears Cup Size will likely be using the services of DRo and Mel instead of this mystery player (as of press time) and The Barrel has all the bulletin board material they need as Jack is sure to use the old “no one believes in us!” adage which he used all of last season despite being in first place the entire time. I’m sprinkling a little on the over in game 1 and then hitting The Barrel to finally complete their first game of the season and get the W.

The Goaldiggers (-180)
Orange Royals (+140)
Over 6.0 (-135)
Under 6.0 (-105)

Notes: Tarnow texted me at 8:20 AM to let me know his team has everyone in town except Andrea “soon to be suspended” Cutler so clearly he is jazzed up and will be playing through a slight hamstring strain he suffered either playing street hockey or just on the streets. The Royals, aka Team Superspreader, should be ok tonight but did not look great in week one, giving up 7 goals to the Hooligans including embarrassingly letting AK score 2 when he scored 0 all of last season. I may be bitter and also aching to suspend someone but seriously, anyone giving up multiple goals to Austin is in serious danger of getting suspended. Zisser v Casca is the eternal battle of small, quick athletic goalies that I will never miss a chance to write about because I need material but the top question on everyones mind is whether new patio roommate Sean Gavin will puke on the bench again or not. Let’s hope he does.

Hungry Hippos (-160)
Green Street Hooligans (+120)
Over 6.0 (-130)
Under 6.0 (-110)

Notes: The Hooligans came out with fury last week, beating down on orange 7-3 to the point that the Royals had to craft a cover story involving covid to explain this brutal asswhooping. That Hooligans team looked like a legit title contender but everyone looks good when they’re scoring 7 goals and unfortunately this week the only 7 they’re putting up is number of rostered players showing up as they only have 5 guys and 2 women, with Probert/Seb headlining a long list of absences. They will get whatever league subs I can convince to stick around in exchange for free hockey and nude photos of Probert/Seb. The Hippos, meanwhile, came back multiple times to pick up a riveting come-from-behind 4-3 shootout victory. The Hippos will be rolling 3 ladies as LJ and Cheeky are out of town while Lily responded to a text, probably by accident, and told Captain Meatbox she was in although all that really does is up her designation from “doubtful” to “questionable.” Zisser will also be subbing in for yellow in exchange for a box of Keebler Cookies which Hicks will be more than happy to provide in exchange for some competent goaltending and a promise that Zisser will never be on his beerpong team and that he will stay the hell away from his wife. With a full lineup the Hooligans would have to be favored after last week’s offensive explosion. With a skeleton lineup, I have to put my money on the Hippos to keep last week’s momentum going and move to two wins on the season.

Frothing Hyenas (EVEN)
The Sexy Ducks (-140)
Over 7.0 (-125)
Under 7.0 (-115)

Notes: The final game of the evening pits two teams looking for their first victory of the season, the Ducks because they lost game one, the Hyenas because they were probably on their way to losing game one but tragically couldn’t finish their game because God hates me and possibly Jack. As is the standard tonight both teams will be rocking short lineups: the Ducks will have Sully, Mikey, Sam, Chris, Alex, Ariel, Caitlin, Nikki, a female sub to be named later and Waldman in net while the Hyenas will have Kev, Lerner, Metz, Riegler, Wagner, possibly Thorpe, all their ladies except one (probably Lorredonna but I’m too lazy to text Metz despite writing 3000 words here) and Dave GDR in net. This should be a tight matchup with each team rocking two lines and hoping to get the season on track. The Hyenas will have more total players and Riegler is sure to be doing maniac things on the court and on the bench but the Ducks should have a slight edge in this one and I think Sully will be motivated to turn back the clock to his younger days when his hair and temper were both much shorter than they are today. As always, bias disclaimer but I’m taking a shorthanded Ducks team to get on the board and make Coach Meg proud with a hard fought 5-2 win.

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