End of season has arrived and it’s time to grade these prop wagers to see who’s a sharp bettor and who’s lighting cash on fire. For extra snark I brought in Jess from the BTSH media to tell us which awards resemble which Pokemon and other comparisons I would never make because I have no soul.
District Five Championship (all listed italicized lines are from the preseason lines)
The Sexy Ducks (+230)
Green Street Hooligans (+300)
The Barrel (+300)
Hungry Hippos (+330)
My Cup Size Is Stanley (+330)
The Goaldiggers (+330)
Orange Royals (+400)
Frothing Hyenas (+400)
Alex: I had the Ducks as the easy favorite here and despite missing half the lineup for most of the season we finished 1st in the standings. I had Barrel/Hooligans as the next two best teams and they finished 2nd and 4th, with most prognosticators currently power ranking green over white even though white finished 3rd (sorry Tarny). True, I may have underestimated the Goaldiggers as I do think they are a step above Cup Size but they may not be that far above the Hippos who suffered through not having #1 overall pick Jeff Green all season, forcing them to use sub goalies who may have been fatigued or not trying as hard in sub appearances as they would for their own squad. I actually thought the Royals were the worst team in the league for the first month of the season, especially in that one game against the Goaldiggers where they managed like 5 shots on goal the entire game, pretty much all of them by Tash, but since the trade for Cherie they have been significantly improved. Anything can happen in the playoffs but I’m pretty satisfied with this line overall.
Jess: Oh yes how very convenient you have the Ducks as the easy favorite (the BTSH media will be conducting an independent investigation on Frey’s draft for this season). While I agree with your first 3 picks, I would have swapped the Orange Royals with Goaldiggers (sorry Tarny x2). I get why you put Cup Size above Goaldiggers as well, Neil puts the team on his back and scores like 2 goals per game. But who could have predicted the Tarnow x Guido collab for scoring a shit ton of goals? Oh yeah, anyone who knows them.
Alex: When you say “collab” you make them sound like the dudes who comment on girls Instagram pics 24/7 and ask them to promote some shitty merchandise. Maybe we need some D5 collabs next season. Wait, does this article count as a collab? Am I that sleazy guy? Ugh.
Team To Score The Most Goals
The Barrel (+220)
Green Street Hooligans (+220)
Hungry Hippos (+280)
Field (+110)
Alex: I projected the Barrel as an offensive powerhouse and I was right about that – they averaged 5.13 goals per game which would’ve been good for 1st in just about any other season (for reference, the all time record was set in that first weird season when the Varsity Warriors averaged 5.67 goals per season). What I didn’t realize was that the Sex Ducks would be just as potent and put up 5.4 goals per game. Hooligans were 3rd in goals and Hippos 5th so this wasn’t a total whiff but field at +110 was the winner.
Jess: That reminds me, have you seen the ‘sexy duck’ that lived in Central Park a few years ago? If that’s why you gave that name to your team, good for you. Pic below.
Jess: Okay back to hockey. Oh, you didn’t realize your team of Meg, Sam, Kelsey, yourself, Mikey, Stabel and basically everyone else would put up so many points per game? *squints in Futurama Fry giph*.
District Five Scoring Title
Derek (+230)
Probert (+260)
AK (+300)
Neil (+300)
Guido (+360)
Hicks (+400)
Jack (+400)
Skinny Braun (+400)
Cherie (+500)
ScottyK (+650)
Field (+180)
District Five Scoring Title
Derek or Probert (+120)
Jack, Braun, Austin or Hicks (+120)
Guido, Tarnow, Neil, Scotty or Cherie (+205)
Field (+180)
Alex: Probie & Derek were the easy choices here with Probert consistently putting up tons of goals and last year adding assists to his repertoire (somewhat) while Derek was the consensus #1 overall non-goalie pick available before the Hyenas took Cherie instead, a pick which was panned by everyone especially Cherie herself. Jack, AK, Hicks and Braun were all solid choices, Sam had only played one BTSH game so no one really knew him but Guido was just sitting there under the radar and no one took the +360. He and Neil dominated the scoring race last season and there were questions about whether it was a fluke or not. I think it’s safe to say that it was not.
Jess: I can confirm, Probie passes now. He passed to me twice this whole season!! Also, that was charitable of you to throw Scott in the mix.
Alex: Mr Clean demands respect.
Scoring Leader Point Total (15 game season)
Over 23.5 (-110)
Under 23.5 (-130)
Alex: I badly overestimated the amount of defense people would play. In the past the points leader has averaged 1.5, maybe 1.9 points per game so the line was set with the baseline that the points leader would miss one game and average about 1.7 (or miss 3 games and average 2 PPG). Instead, this season we had five players average 2 points per game as scoring simply exploded. After a few weeks this line was adjusted into the mid 30s but anyone who caught the opening line and hammered over 23.5 picked up the win about a month ago.
Jess: You say lack of defense, I say we’re all getting old and just can’t run back as much.
District Five Ladies’ Scoring Title
Cherie or Cheeky (-175)
Field (+125)
Alex: Meg was offended not to be included in the scoring title lines and especially the ladies scoring title lines as she’s won it two seasons in a row and set the points record last season. With her surgery having her miss over half the season it was just too much variance to introduce to betting lines on amateur alcoholic ball hockey. Well a few rainouts and a very potent combo with Sam later, she picked up an astounding 20 points in 9 games to finish 6th in overall scoring and #1 among the ladies for the 3rd straight season. With Annie leading the pack for most of the season, the field at +125 was a big winner all season.
Jess: Not to brag but I scored 2 goals this season…give me a line next time pls. But also very impressive Meg!! Despite how lethal the Josh/Cherie and Cheeky/anyone on the Hippos combo is, I would have taken the field from the start.
Male Rookie Of The Year
Sam Feder (+175)
Jason Campbell (+230)
Sean Gavin (+230)
Jeff Oberg (+280)
Field (+115)
Alex: On the BTSH free agent list Sam wrote that he played ball hockey in Montreal for 10 years. That alone was enough to make him the easy #1 on this list. That said +175 was a joke as this bet was over after the first month of the season. He also wrote that he was a strong defenseman which is kind of shocking in retrospect. After that though the list was solid: Campbell Gavin and Jeff were in fact the next three highest scoring rookies. Just a shame their rookie season coincided with a dude who’s currently 3rd all time in points per game to two LBS teammates: Luke, a Wikipedia listed bass player (yes I’ve edited that page) and Avery, drummer and lead singer of his family band Kiki & The Boys (god that wedding was sick).
Jess: What’s Sam’s phone number? Gonna ask him if he wants to join the Rainbows next year since the LBS have such a wealth of scorers and musicians. Tough rookie season to all the other guys, I will take the over on Sam buying them all shots at the bar as an apology for snubbing them.
Female Rookie Of The Year
Krueger (EVEN)
Abby (+200)
Izzy or Lily (+200)
Field (+275)
Jess: With Krueger and Abby on The Barrel, Jack really won out with the ladies this draft.
Alex: Jack’s female draft this season went Krueger-Abby-Annie-Carly-Sophie. I guess his general thought was if the girl isn’t a rookie or sleeping with me, I don’t want her on this team. That said Barrel was in 1st for most of the season so I guess it worked out for him.
Lowest GAA (Regular Season Only; Must Start At Least Eight Games)
Jeff Green (+120)
Zisser or Waldman (+185)
Max (+220)
Field (+250)
Alex: Jeff Green is the all-time top goalie in the league and it’s not even that close. His career GAA is 1.63; the only other player to go under 2.00 is Ramirez who only played five games that first season. Unfortunately Jeff Green fell in love in Europe and, as has been mentioned in countless previews, has been having sex in a van for literally months. The field was wide open but Casca swooped in from the field to lead the Goaldiggers to a somewhat surprising 3rd place finish and pick up his first career top goalie award.
Jess: This is the first I’m hearing of the van sex but congrats on the sex, Jeff.
Jess: Also I am not surprised about Casca at all, he plays at least 2 D5 games every week. Include the man on the line next year!!!
Grand Salami (Total Goals For The Season; Regular Season Only)
Over 352.5 (-120)
Under 352.5 (-120)
Alex: Once again it was my mistake to expect people to play defense. With 60 games on the schedule this line assumed just under 6 goals per game which would be right in line with historical production. Instead the grand salami this season was an astonishing 460 goals which is an average of 7.67 per game. Good god almighty.
Jess: Stop seeing the good in people and start realizing we are all serotonin junkies who want goals to make us feel better about work/daylight savings/the pandemic. Whip out a bigger salami next year.
Alex: The words every man longs to hear.
How Many Games Will Go To OT? (Regular Season Only)
Over 10.5 (-135)
Under 10.5 (-105)
Alex: Projections based on historical rates worked fairly well here as even with the increase in scoring which theoretically should introduce more score variance and make this go much lower, the final total was 10. Hooray math!
Jess: And yet every game feels like OT when the games start later and later in the night.
Alex: #burn
How Many Shutouts Will Be Notched? (Regular Season Only; Shootout Goals Don’t Count)
Over 4.0 (+120)
Under 4.0 (-160)
Alex: Interesting juxtaposition here as the leap in goals did not cancel out outlier shutout games…in fact, the final total was 5 so the +120 over hit despite all time crazy levels of scoring. Tough beat for under bettors who were already laying 8 to 5 and now have to live in a van down by the river (not Jeff or Ryann’s van, they have to get their own).
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Derek (-130)
Probie (-110)
Alex: Games played made most of the difference here as Derek played two more games and got seven more points, certainly within the realm of possibility. Unfortunately he did not play those games and thus Derek slightly favored at -130 was the winner.
Jess: Make a ‘wedding weekend’ line next year that includes people for missing games due to a high volume of friends…my picks would be Probie and Dana.
Alex: Dana has too many friends, and they’re all at Molly’s right now.
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Danilo (-150)
AFrey (+110)
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
AK (-125)
Braun (-115)
Alex: Games played was huge in these as well as Danilo and Braun missing tons of games definitely did not help red’s prospects this season. Meanwhile AK missed surprisingly few games this season begging the question of why he hates me so much.
Jess: Draft Austin next year and make him be your friend.
Alex: I’ve tried that…it didn’t work.
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Guido (-120)
Tarnow (-120)
Alex: Both played 14 games, pretty much exclusively on the same line, but despite Tarnow being 2nd in assists Guido demolished him in this one. As per the terms of their partnership agreement, Guido is the new captain effective immediately.
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Ryann (EVEN)
Annie (-140)
Alex: Annie won this one despite playing four less games than Ryann and suffering a late season injury that will keep her out of the playoffs. She will be making no victory speech and is back in the office. All business.
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Andrea (-110)
Tash (-130)
Alex: Andrea rarely crosses the red line as she’s an old school, stay at home type of woman (I can only imagine Jess’ face as she read that line). Meanwhile Tash was more aggressive than in past seasons as her team often struggled to create offense, especially in the pre-Cherie era. Easy win for Tashy. Andrea will have to settle for two Defensewoman of the Year awards and being a dog owner.
Jess: I’m at work and I made a noise at my computer. Also, why is Tash ‘aggressive’ for crossing the red line more? WOULD YOU SAY THAT ABOUT A MALE DEFENDER? Way to save your ass with the good dog owner compliment though.
Alex: You can say whatever you want as long as you compliment dogs afterwards. Lesson learned.
Who Will Finish Higher In The Scoring Race?
Matt Russo (-135)
Scott Metz (-105)
Alex: Russo’s midseason switch to defense made this a romp for Metz which was much appreciated as it was a tough season for the Hyenas. Scott enjoyed one of his best career seasons as he picked up 7 goals and 10 points while Russo only had five points. Sorry Jess, your BTSH work husband is slacking.
Jess: I prefer BTSH work subordinate. Kind of a weird line though imho. Were you going for 2 totally unrelated people?
Alex: Wait, they’re not brothers?
Which Number Will Be Larger? (Regular Season Only)
Green Street Hooligans Season Points (+130)
Probert + AK Season Goals (-175)
Alex: This line came right down to the wire and ended up finishing at 26-25 in favor of the Hooligans season points. Had Austin not missed a wide open net with 10 seconds left in the Goaldiggers game Tuesday it would be a push. Had a ragtag patchwork lineup not won two 4 on 4 games last Friday, goals would’ve won. Was a fun, weird line that we will probably never see again.
Jess: I’m glad I wasn’t the only one who thought ‘wow, I can’t believe AK missed that empty net.’
Which Number Will Be Larger? (Regular Season Only)
Meg + Ariel + McCauley + AFrey Season Points (+105)
Cherie + Braun Season Points (-145)
Alex: This one was a total whiff as the blue team scored way more goals than I expected while Cherie and Braun were not even on the same team by September. McCauley and Ariel played 6 combined games but this was still a big win for the blue side; at +105, a total steal.
Which Number Will Be Larger? (Regular Season Only)
The Goaldiggers Season Wins (-120)
Guido + Tarnow Season Goals + Penalty Minutes Divided By 3 (-120)
Alex: Another random line which finished 11.67 for the Guido+Tarnow side to 9 wins for the Goaldiggers. Only four combined penalty minutes, all by Guido (who will heretofore be known as Goondo or possibly Goaldo) but the 26 goals by G-Dogg really sealed it.
Which Number Will Be Larger? (Regular Season Only)
Hungry Hippos Season Point Total (-155)
Hicks Season Point Total (+115)
Alex: Hicks missing a game to lift weights and eat tacos was unexpected as he had missed two games all time before this season. That game may have been the difference as Hicks picked up 19 points while his team picked up 21 for the win at -155.
Jess: Taco Bell forever remains a sticking point in his marriage and now, his hockey career.
Which Number Will Be Larger? (Regular Season Only)
Derek + Jack Season Points (-120)
Probert + Austin Season Points (-120)
Alex: A draw here as Jack completely fails to pull his weight. 20 points for Austin and Probie each while Derek has 27 and Jack has 13, making it 40 per side. In typical fashion Jack attempted to win this bet via forensic accounting but to no avail.
Jess: Jack has clearly picked up his shifty ways from spending too much time with you.
Which Number Will Be Larger? (Regular Season Only)
The Barrel Season Wins (+120)
Total Goals In The Highest Scoring Game Of The Season (-160)
Alex: Somehow 13 goals is the resistance level for goals in a game; each time a game hits it a wave of selling ensues the likes of which we haven’t seen since Musk posted that Tesla poll this past weekend. We hit that total three times in past seasons and four times this season, including both Ducks/Barrel showdowns, but somehow can’t quite break it. Still, it didn’t end up mattering because that 13 was more than The Barrel’s 11 wins this season.
Will Anyone Be Suspended For At Least One Game This Season?
Yes (+115)
No (-155)
Alex: Unfortunately this line hit and honestly could’ve hit more than once. Surprisingly the suspension wasn’t Jack or Cutler…maybe next season.
Jess: Keep telling Andrea she’s a stay at home wife and I envision a big hit in the first game of next season. What if you did a ‘polite midwesterner’ scoring line next year?
Alex: She’s from Massachussetts!
How Many Regular Season Games Will Not Be Completed On Schedule?
Over 12.0 (-130)
Under 12.0 (-110)
Alex: Surprising absolutely no one, this line easily hit as well. That Popack sacrifice looks better and better every day.
Jess: New conspiracy theory: you made a deal with the devil to get the roster you have this year and are now paying for it in rainouts.
Alex: If we win the championships, satan will be my new best friend up from his current position of #4.
How Many Times This Season Will The 9:25 Game Actually Start At 9:25?
Over 7.5 (+120)
Under 7.5 (-160)
Alex: Wildly optimistic line as it turns out this happened zero times. While I actually expected these games to start around 9:35 and just listed 9:25 as the start so goalies wouldn’t be late, I think we started at 9:35 maybe once all season too. Timeouts, video review and nonstop goals are the most likely culprits. Most upsetting at all, McQuade bet the under and now we have to pay his ass out.
Jess: Maybe next year do ‘how many times this season will the 9:25 game actually end at 10:45?’
Alex: #burnnotice. Should I post the Easy A clip again? Might as well, this article has gotten really long and if I don’t get some soup for this football game I’m going to lose it.
Team To Win Flip Cup Championship (this will actually happen)
The Sexy Ducks (-110)
Hungry Hippos (+230)
The Barrel (+255)
The Goaldiggers (+275)
Field (+180)
Alex: Alas, this did not end up happening which should be a relief to the rest of the league as I don’t think the combo of me/Meg/Sully would lose to anyone, with Kelsey, Waldman and Mikey giving us good minutes off the bench and Rockoff/Chris/Kevin just slugging beers in the stands. Hippos had a fair shot with Jason/Liang/Lily all being very solid players but Hicks is pretty bad, especially when he takes his shirt off between the drink and the flip. Barrel was listed because Annie is good and Jack cheats and Goaldiggers are really only listed as a courtesy to Andrea. Next season, it’s on.
Jess: Shocked my team and Cup Size aren’t listed here. See you on the tables at Dorrian’s next year.
Alex: You better hope you’re on the same team as the Dane Train or your odds of winning will plummet from 1% to 0%. Game on.