The Goaldiggers (-140)
The Grapes (EVEN)
Over 7.5 (-130)
Under 7.5 (-110)
Notes: The Goaldiggers will open their season against the Grapes and just a few months after making it to the championship, Tarnow has described their outlook this season as being “out for blood.” Scary times for Jack and co but purple is used to adversity after being down 2-0 for most of the game last week only to tie it up late in the 3rd and win in OT on Austin’s 2nd goal and 2nd griddy dance of the game. This week purple will get Kev back (fresh off masturbating furiously to the Panthers roster) but will have to face a revamped Goaldiggers squad with Miles and Tash joining Guido and Tarnow to form one of the most fearsome foursomes in the league, plus Hogg in net. Almost as fearsome as the Florida Panthers tbh. In terms of boozing this would be a vicious blowout, even with Jack and Austin possessing extremely questionable tolerances but on the court, white must be favored in this one. I like the fortitude purple showed in last week’s comeback win against the Kraken (although much of that comeback was aided by an extremely short camo bench with only 3 total subs), but it seems like white will be too explosive in this one and if their secondary scoring comes through, this is a legit title contender. I’m taking white to win a surprisingly low scoring game.
BONUS LINES:
Most Points In Tonight’s Game
Jack (-110)
Tarnow (-130)
Most Points In Tonight’s Game
Jack + AK (-110)
Guido + Tarnow (-130)
Will This Game Feature A Shutout Or OT?
Yes (+330)
No (-550)
1st Period Goals
Over 2.0 (-110)
Under 2.0 (-130)
Green Street Hooligans (+130)
Hungry Hippos (-180)
Green Street Hooligans (+1.5 Goals) (-120)
Hungry Hippos (-1.5 Goals) (-120)
Over 7.5 (-135)
Under 7.5 (-105)
Notes: This game was all set to be a pick-em and a great matchup of two teams who I felt were almost exactly evenly matched before the season. Then Probie, Charlotte and Nate were declared out while Scott and Glanzer are GTDs. Line movement galore as sharp bettors have been hammering yellow hard since the injury report came out and sportsbooks across Vegas have halted betting multiple times today as if it’s January 2021 and the Hooligans are Gamestop. Green will still have a solid group playing with Westley, Otis, Austin Lyons and Kevin Aylesworth leading the charge and Glanzer trying to put together some kind of miracle strategy behind the bench but with yellow having most of their big guns in the lineup a week after putting up 6 goals on black in just two periods of play, I don’t see how the Hippos drop this. Hicks hasn’t been texting anyone death threats since 7 AM which concerns me slightly but I also think he will be motivated to come out tonight, score some goals, take the lead in the scoring race, move the Hippos to 2-0 and scream a bunch of things about outboxing the Meatbox. Yellow to cover the spread. UPDATE: Hicks might play defense…his scoring odds have been deleted but god would that be must-see-tv. Record ratings on the livestream for the premier of the Defensebox, watch out.
BONUS LINES:
Will This Game Feature A Shutout Or OT?
Yes (+350)
No (-575)
1st Period Goals
Over 2.0 (-125)
Under 2.0 (-115)
Hungry Hippos (-6.5 Goals) (-135)
My Cup Size Is Stanley (+6.5 Goals) (-105)
Over 9.0 (-140)
Under 9.0 (EVEN)
Notes: Only the final period remains to be played as the Hippos begin the 3rd with a 6-1 lead. Cup Size will be missing Jeff, Brandon and Dave who is now likely out for the season. They’ll get a sub TBD, likely either Westley or Miles (depending on if Wes answers my email and if Miles is available to stay after his game), but suffice to say it won’t be enough to make up a 5 goal deficit in 15 minutes. Classic McQuade special; if betting 6.5 goal spreads is your thing, go for it. Can’t wait til we get the bet called in from Colorado on the SBJ house account. Livestream should be lit.
My Cup Size Is Stanley (+320)
Royals (-500)
My Cup Size Is Stanley (+3.0 Goals) (-135)
Royals (-3.0 Goals) (-105)
Over 8.5 (-135)
Under 8.5 (-105)
Notes: The Royals will be icing a mostly full lineup minus baby apocalypse prognosticator Adam Herman and baby daddy Brad (formerly known as Boatsex, but that seems like a lifetime ago). Cup Size decidedly will not have anything resembling a full lineup as mentioned in the previous writeup, with #1 defenseman Brandon as well as top draft picks Dave & Jeff out. They will get the TBD sub but no way to sugarcoat it, this is shaping up as an extremely tough night at Cup Size stadium. Derek and Meg should have plenty of room to operate, Scotty should have plenty of room to run and yell shit and if Zisser is relatively sober, AKA he went to sleep anytime before 7 AM, watch out. Black’s only chance will be if Cherie, Shelly and the self-proclaimed Don Juan of the Upper East Side Sean Gavin go into god mode and absolutely rip it up while Jack gives up zero goals. Though he may send Kirby memes every time someone mentions his glove, I just don’t see him getting out of this without giving up at least 4 goals. Orange to get out to a rocking start to their season and cover the spread.
BONUS LINES:
Most Points In Tonight’s Game
Derek + Meg (-145)
Shelly + Cherie + Sean Gavin + Metz (+105)
1st Period Goals
Over 2.5 (-105)
Under 2.5 (-135)
Mavericks (+125)
Blue Balls Of Sex (-170)
Over 8.0 (-120)
Under 8.0 (-120)
Notes: The final match of the evening sees Blue Balls face off against the Mavericks who are making their season debut and are easily the highest variance team of all time. Some have asked me about the prop lines and how the Mavericks are tied for 3rd best championship odds but also barely favored to finish above the Hooligans (who already have one loss) and were fairly big underdogs both last week and this week. It’s pretty simple: I have no idea how to rate this team. They could get a playoff bye or they could finish in last and become the first team to miss the playoffs. I wouldn’t be surprised if Ludwig contends for the scoring lead and Eric is one of the top goalies this season; I also wouldn’t be surprised if Ludwig shows up to one game and Eric turns out to hate ball hockey. With most teams I have confidence that they’ll finish within a certain range of outcomes, with outliers possible depending on injuries and luck. With red, literally any standings finish is in play. Ryann & Malik will have to take a short break from their regularly scheduled makeout session to lead this team to glory but with a better than expected draft, they certainly have a chance to make that happen. Unfortunately tonight they’ll have to do it against a blue team that won 6-4 last week without several top players and gets Sig and Sully in the lineup for this one (albeit no Kelsey or Caitlin). Fans will be tracking the battle of the rookie goalies as Jacob faces off against Eric but this game will likely be won in the trenches. If this was an ice hockey game, blue would be in big trouble as would every other team in the league against the Mavericks. This being a ball hockey league, I’m backing blue and their historically great defense corps to pick up the win and get out to what would surprisingly be the first 2-0 start in franchise history.
BONUS LINES:
Most Points In Tonight’s Game
Sam + Sig + Sully + AFrey (-160)
Ludwig + Jason + Ryann + Malik + Jack R (+120)
Will This Game Feature A Shutout Or OT?
Yes (+380)
No (-600)
1st Period Goals
Over 2.0 (-130)
Under 2.0 (-110)
How Many 9:30 Games Will Start After 10:00 This Season? (Regular Season Only; Does Not Count If Delay Is Rain-Related, Sorry To Everyone Who Took A Bad Beat On Last Week’s Rainout Moving The 9:30 And Thus Denying You Credit For It)
Over 5.0 (+200)
Under 5.0 (-300)