Weeks 1 & 2 Box Scores (Summer 2023)

Julie’s Football Club vs Hungry Hippos 2.0

1st Period:
JFC (1-0) – Tash (1) (assisted by Jo Robin) (6:55)
3rd Period:
JFC (2-0) – Rob Meehan (1) (assisted by Jo Robin) (5:41)
HIP (1-2) – Hicks (1) (unassisted) (9:00)
HIP (2-2) – Jack (1) (assisted by Adam Satok) (13:08)
JFC (3-2) – Tash (2) (assisted by Dave Liang) (0:14)

GAME NOTES: The opening game of the season saw a championship rematch from the Spring as JFC jumped out to a 2-0 lead only for the Hippos to storm back off late goals by Hicks and Jack. Unlike in last seasons ship, however, Tash was there and she made her presence felt by scoring 14 seconds into overtime. Unlike Hicks, she did not celebrate by peeing on the goalie.

3rd – Jack (1G)
2nd – Jo Robin (2A)
1st – Tash (2G)

MelRose Place vs Merry Pranksters

1st Period:
PRK (1-0) – Derek (1) (assisted by Sam Gelman) (7:00)
PRK (2-0) – Sam Gelman (1) (assisted by KG) (7:37)
2nd Period:
PRK (3-0) – Derek (2) (assisted by Hilary) (4:27)
PRK (4-0) – Pete Slife (1) (assisted by Danilo) (13:52)
3rd Period:
PRK (5-0) – Sam Gelman (2) (assisted by Derek) (1:00)
PRK (6-0) – Sam Gelman (3) (assisted by Derek) (1:34)
MRP (1-6) – Matt Reape (1) (assisted by DRo) (4:20)
MRP (2-6) – Scott Storer (1) (assisted by Mikey) (7:12)
PRK (7-2) – Derek (3) (EN) (assisted by Will Gill) (12:58)

GAME NOTES: This game was rated as a tight matchup slightly favoring MelRose but the Pranksters came out and made a statement with Derek and captain Sam Gelman each picking up hat tricks en route to a shockingly easy 7-2 win. I had suggested to Gelman that he and Derek should play on different lines so as to balance the scoring but after this game I don’t think he’s ever going to listen to my advice again.

3rd – Hilary (1A)
2nd –Sam Gelman (3G, 1A)
1st – Derek (3G, 2A)

Green Street Hooligans vs The Mighty Mensches

1st Period:
GSH (1-0) – Yehuda (1) (unassisted) (0:51)
2nd Period:
GSH (2-0) – Maddy (1) (assisted by Tom McGuire) (3:29)
GSH (3-0) – Tom McGuire (1) (assisted by Maddy) (5:50)
GSH (4-0) – Tom McGuire (2) (assisted by Gil) (7:46)
3rd Period:
GSH (5-0) – Maddy (2) (assisted by Gil) (4:10)
MNS (1-5) – Avery Teplow (1) (assisted by Natan) (8:28)
MNS (2-5) – Natan (1) (assisted by Zev) (13:35)

GAME NOTES: This was possibly the most highly anticipated game in league history as everyone was morbidly curious what kind of showing we would get from the Mensches, aka the Yeshiva League All-Stars circa 2011. Some thought they would run over the league and cruise to a championship, others thought they would struggle mightily. I could immediately tell that we were in for a treat when I was explaining the rules and one of them asked me if he would get a penalty for smoking on the court or the bench mid-game. I told him both were completely acceptable, even encouraged, and the rest, as they say, was history as this is surely the finest photo I have ever taken.

…well, either that or Sam in the back of an ambulance during a hockey tournament due to booze-related dehydration…

Anyways, as expected Mensches took some time to adjust to the speed of the game and eventually adjust they did. Unfortunately, by the time that happened it was already 4-0 green. I would say that the game was far more even than the score would indicate and the Mensches actually outplayed the Hooligans in the 3rd period, but a 4-0 hole is deeper than Yehuda’s fathers understanding of the Talmud. The Mensches won over the league with their jovial spirits and their bench Modelos/cigs but they did not win the game as green picked up a much needed 5-2 opening night victory. That said, the talent is certainly there for Yeshiva and with a bit more puck-luck I think they will be a solid team as the season progresses and they figure out the particulars of the D5 game…Maddie put up two goals and an assist in her D5 debut en route to a 1st star of the game selection, eliciting chants of “STOP THE COUNT” from her bench as they felt she should be declared rookie of the year immediately. Tom McGuire also picked two goals and an assist and gets 2nd star of the game. Gil picked up two assists and Natan Wise had two points for the Mensches but sadly they are both denied 3rd star as it has to go to the guy ripping heaters on the bench and executing crazy field hockey swipes so he didn’t have to run. That’s the kind of flair we need in this league. No word yet on if he’s single but I will find out and post his dating profile next week.

3rd – Ami Cohen (4 Heaters)
2nd – Tom McGuire (2G, 1A)
1st – Maddie (2G, 1A)

Vegas Golden Knights vs MelRose Place

2nd Period:
MRP (1-0) – DRo (1) (assisted by Mikey) (7:49)
3rd Period:
MRP (2-0) – Frank Puma (1) (assisted by Scott Storer) (1:01)
MRP (3-0) – Ryan Levine (1) (assisted by Scott Storer) (3:53)
MRP (4-0) – Mikey (1) (assisted by Matt Stabel) (4:31)

GAME NOTES: This was actually a 0-0 game until Vegas 1st rounder Tom Fitzgerald exited late in the 2nd due to an injury off a play by DRo. After that, MelRose kind of took over with four unanswered goals, two by rookies and two by dmen, as they avenged their earlier loss and improved to 1-1 on the season…giving Simon 1st star was not easy, but it was well-deserved as he absolutely flummoxed the Vegas offense en route to his 2nd career shutout in just 5 games played. I offered him the chance to captain the Blancs as a 5th round goalie and considering what we saw here, I kinda think he should have taken that deal….Mikey felt he should be recognized for his goal in this one. I couldn’t believe that a defenseman with a 3-0 lead was crashing the net, even if it was after leading the rush. In any case, aided by a nice play by Stabel and Ellie’s unique brand of backchecking, he picked up his first of the season and is in prime position to pick up the Leetch Award this season assuming that Tash and his teammate Scott spend most games at forward and Simon and I decide to quit hockey to start a band (unlikely).

3rd – DRo (GWG)
2nd – Scott Storer (2A)
1st – Simon (W, SO)

Red Zeppelin vs Shooting Blancs

1st Period:
RED (1-0) – Campbell (1) (assisted by Nate Lerner) (4:13)
BLNC (1-1) – Mitch (1) (assisted by Cara) (5:34)
RED (2-1) – Austin Marshalek (1) (assisted by Joe Magosin) (13:01)
2nd Period:
RED (3-1) – Campbell (2) (assisted by Colleen) (8:33)
3rd Period:
RED (4-1) – Carter (1) (EN) (unassisted) (13:00)

GAME NOTES: Red was power ranked as the #1 team in the league coming into the season and they showed why in this game. While the score was tight throughout, they certainly had the better of play throughout the night and a late empty netter by Carter “Campbell’s Brother” Weaver sealed the deal for the Zeppelin as they cruised to a 4-1 win…under bettors were surely sweating as three goals were scored in the first, but the under did hit after all. Ridzik didn’t publish any betting advice last week but will be back with his picks next week….as always, if you see any errors on these or any future)box scores feel free to email us with stat corrections. However, be warned that if I check the video and find that you lied to inflate your own stats you will be publicly shamed, as is tradition.

3rd – Colleen (1A)
2nd – Corey (W, 1 GA)
1st – Campbell (2G)

Julie’s Football Club vs Green Street Hooligans

1st Period:
JFC (1-0) – Tash (3) (assisted by Jo Robin) (0:50)
JFC (2-0) – Shirtless Rob Meehan (2) (assisted by Jo Robin) (3:01)
JFC (3-0) – Jo Robin (1) (assisted by Tash) (6:23)
JFC (4-0) – Brett Marks (1) (assisted by Jo Robin) (12:39)
2nd Period:
JFC (5-0) – Jo Robin (2) (assisted by Rob Meehan) (8:14)
JFC (6-0) – Keith (1) (PPG) (assisted by Mike Pigozzi) (10:51)
3rd Period:
JFC (7-0) – Justin Mazzaro (1) (assisted by Brett Marks) (12:16)

GAME NOTES: An absolute beatdown from start to finish. The Football Club picks up a goal in the first minute and three goals in the first 6:30 en route to a 7-0 win over green. The Hooligans were missing their 1st and 3rd round picks but orange was also missing their 3rd and 4th so I officially declare this beating well-earned…Tash and Rob picked up two points each while Jo led the way with 2 goals and 3 assists. Green didn’t make it particularly tough on him but regardless, he’s well on his way to a 2nd round valuation for next season. AJ, meanwhile, earned his 1st round pedigree with a shutout in his first game of the season.

3rd – Tash (1G, 1A)
2nd – AJ (W, SO)
1st – Jo Robin (2G, 3A)

Shooting Blancs vs Merry Pranksters

1st Period:
PRK (1-0) – Sam Gelman (3) (unassisted) (5:18)
BLNC (1-1) – Jacob Herbers (1) (assisted by Cara) (7:59)
BLNC (2-1) – Cara (1) (assisted by Sky Bento) (11:58)
3rd Period:
BLNC (3-1) – Cara (2) (assisted by Simon) (1:55)
BLNC (4-1) – Cara (3) (assisted by Mike McCauley) (3:27)

GAME NOTES: The Pranksters did not have Derek for this one and despite my best efforts, Simon would not let me sub for tie dye. The result was a fairly predictable blowout win for the Blancs led by a hat trick by Cara, the first career goal by her husband and an assist by Simon the bully…Amanda proved herself to be a merchant of disinformation by repeatedly yelling that the 2nd goal was tipped by Eli even though he said it was not. I guess it’s fitting that we named the whore award after someone who was yelling for just the tip…Sal’s call on the hat trick goal must be seen to be believed. That is all.

3rd – Jacob Green (W, 1 GA)
2nd – Jacob Herbers (1G)
1st – Cara (3G, 1A)

Red Zeppelin vs Shooting Blancs

3rd Period:
RED (1-0) – Nate Lerner (1) (assisted by Jay Travers) (6:12)
BLNC (1-1) – Adam Herman (1) (assisted by Scott Metz) (9:36)
Shootout Winner by Cara

GAME NOTES: Perhaps the finest performance of Jacob Green’s D5 career as he borderline stole this game for white with a number of fantastic saves, including stopping all three of red’s shooters in the shootout, as the Blancs picked up their 2nd win of the evening…the first 3 minutes of the livestream were just Sal having a full-on conversation with Hicks who was pregaming furiously while watching the livestreams of the games. It’s tough to tell which of them was in a clearer state of mind…Adam Herman scored, Corey said he couldn’t see anything and Adam responded with backwards high-stepping while saying “you can’t see deez nuts.” Only in D5 is this rewarded not with a penalty for taunting, but with a highlight posted in the box scores. As League Commissioner I do not necessarily condone such behavior, but as Director Of Media I will say it certainly makes for some elite content.

3rd – Corey (1 GA)
2nd – Cara (SOW, 1A)
1st – Jacob Green (W, 1 GA)

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