Previous Entry: The Honorable Mentions
Part I of this series on D5 videos throughout the years delved into the honorable mentions. But you didn’t come here for honorable mentions. You came for blood actual top 25 picks. Well, you’re in luck because I need to get these out before the season starts so without further ado…
25) Reape Fucks Up 2 On 0; Scores Anyway – This video is ridiculous for a number of reasons, not the least of which being that YouTube age restricted it because the title made them think it was sex related so you have to go to their actual site to view it. But little do they know that unlike most of what goes down in this league, there is not much sexy about this video at all. Instead, we see a man completely mangle a 2 on 0 yet still somehow score a goal. I’ve watched this thing over 15 times and I still don’t really understand what happened here. First it seemed like he was going to score, then it seemed like he was going to get kicked off the team and then a Shyamalan ending where he buries a snipe. Of course, the whole thing would’ve been way easier had he just carried the ball to the net but this definitely made for a more fun viewing experience. The ending may have been Shyamalan but Reape’s eye for storytelling may make him the Denis Villeneuve of our fair hockey league.
24) Meg Sex Goal – Meg has had quite a few highlight reel goals in her career but this one lands her in the top 25 because it’s ridiculous that she’s on her ass when she scores it, because of how annoyed Cutler is and because it really embodies the kind of player she was; smart, persistent and a complete pain in the ass to play against.
Why she ends up on the ground for so many of her goals is a fair question though.
Anywho, still just a great effort from one of the best players we’ve had. In fact here’s a few more for good measure. Enjoy.
23) Sal Comments – I’m not sure what Sal was smoking during this game (actually I know exactly what it was), but man was he on fire this game. Mangling names. Describing blue’s formation as the “Phil Jackson Triangle Offense.” Throwing out the word baby like me after 8 pirate shots at Dorrian’s. At one point he tries to say that these are two of the best if not the best teams in the league but it takes him over 14 seconds to get it out. It’s a true masterclass in play-by-play that makes me worry we’re going to lose him to TNT once the NHL playoffs start.
22) Simon v Yehuda Flip Cup Battle – You might be asking why there’s a video of two guys playing flip cup on your ball hockey league’s website and unfortunately you probably didn’t realize that this league once held a beer pong game for standings position and livestreamed it in two parts, although the terrible outdoor lighting at the patio made it vaguely look like a cult ritual.
Anyways, while that was for standings position (for a week), this one was for pure honor. Yehuda had been getting the business from Simon and pretty much everyone else in the league for months and finally had enough, challenging Simon to a best of 3 contest to earn his honor back.
Predictably, neither of them actually wanted to do the math challenge which I would have heartily enjoyed administering the way I enjoy playing chess with my 4 year old nephew. The basketball challenge was cancelled I believe once Simon said he was a “hooper” and Yehuda realized being several inches shorter would be a huge disadvantage. But once a Friday night got rained out by one of our standard flash monsoons and no one wanted to sit through a beerpong game that, with these two, could’ve taken over 40 minutes to complete, we did get a flipcup match, livestreamed with a betting line of Yehuda (-1) as I figured the guy who actually goes out and parties would have a bit of an advantage. And then…
There’s no way around it: this was a complete and total massacre. Simon, who barely boozes, missed one total flip and won this matchup by three cups. It was a wild result and had to make its way into the box scores.
Afterwards Yehuda tried in vain to argue that he only lost by two cups, which wouldn’t have made it much better, and unfortunately a quick video review by your commissioner of hockey and drinking games shut this down very quickly.
Later in the season Simon’s team would beat Yehudas 7-1, even after Yehuda made a speech about how his team should play for their captain if they really love him. I still think this was worse.
21) Kelsey’s Waterskiing Adventure – The string of events that had to go exactly right for this to go down is truly insane. She has to drop her stick while running, in the exact spot and at the exact angle where she will immediately step on it with her exact center of gravity such that she will not simply walk over it, nor just immediately slip on it, but to balance on it for a split second as if waterskiing in the Caribbean before immediately falling. In a sense, this makes you think metaphysically. Was this event always meant to happen like this? Does she drop her stick in this precise manner in every universe are there ones where the stick lands at a different angle and she just picks it up? Could there different variations of this playing out in different universes and we are we privileged enough to live in the single one where it went down exactly like this? Or was this just a case of someone dropping their stick and then stepping on it weird. Who’s to say really. In the moment I couldn’t understand what happened or why she fell. Once I reviewed the video and then tastelessly put Tom Petty over it, I was fascinated by it as I remain years later.
20) Ariel & Hippos Win 1st Fireball Bowl – Perhaps the league’s oldest tradition outside of heavy boozing and casual sex is the Fireball Bowl, later renamed to the Preworkout Bowl, later renamed to the Bad Boy Mowers Pirate Bowl (not entirely sure why). It’s the annual game between blue and whatever color the Hippos are. There was no official bowl game in the inaugural Summer 2018 season and thank god because yellow was really bad but Fall 2018 was a different story. The Hippos were expected by me to be a mid-range team, expected by many others to be total trash again. But trash they were not and after each team won their season opener by multiple goals, this week two showdown was billed as the game of the week. It wasn’t really a huge upset as the betting lines from that week had it at -160/+120 for about a 58%/42% implied probability and looking back the yellow team was better as I mangled multiple picks that season, but it was a great game and the OT winner was probably the league’s first electric hockey clip as well as the first of many insane Hicks celebrations.
19) Alex Rockoff: Consummate Teammate – Spring 2021 was weird. We had to wear masks to play the first few weeks which was so annoying and everyone had to fill out crazy covid forms every week. But after more than a year off, it was just great to get out there and play and even better when you have a teammate who inspires you the way Mr Rockoff does. I had come back from a two day bender in Atlantic City just hours before this game, written some truly bizarre previews on the ride home and blue’s roster was so bad that we had 3 goalies in the lineup, 2 of them playing forward. It was a total disaster and we got our asses handed to us by 1st place purple 5-2. But with 7 seconds left and Jack having the ball in the o-zone, Rockoff proved that it’s never to late to show your teammates how much you love them.
I know people in this league who wouldn’t dive to block a shot in an overtime playoff game. Here’s a man diving down 3 with 5 seconds left in a regular season game that was generally awful. That Jack pitied us so much he didn’t even take the shot was a classy move by him but also made me feel even worse than had he just taken a full-on clapper, which I told my team. We played so poorly we got pitied by Jack. That’s the type of pain that never goes away. Truth be told, I hadn’t even planned on continuing to put clips up on YouTube once we started streaming games the week before this (2018 and 2019 they were all on a memory card so I had to), but this clip changed my mind and convinced me that people needed to see moments like this. The work we are doing out there is just too important. Sounds kind of like the Others in Lost but for real, it was inspirational. And then just two weeks later Rockoff followed it up with this OT winner en route to his best scoring season of all time. Great stuff from a guy I almost traded before the season even started to green.
18) Cup Size Buzzer Beater – This was a crazy game where Cup Size, a dominant 1 seed all season, faced the worst team in the league in round 1 and quickly fell behind 2-0. Eventually they would even the score late and it looked like we were heading to OT but for a late faceoff deep in the orange zone. And then, this happened.
I had to review the video multiple times to confirm but this goal came just before time expired, giving black the walk-off victory. Brutal turn of events for a bottom seed that played their best game of the season. After this, Rich took a few seasons off while Jeff never returned, and I can’t really blame him. Electric goal but the fact that this was the last play of his D5 career is a crime against humanity. Oh, and he also lives in Jersey and has two kids. But also, this play.
17) Becca’s Ball Hockey Adventure – While the above is a classic playoff hockey moment, what happened here was just a hilarious regular season moment as Becca got really pissed at the dude in the bike helmet, despite him not really playing her all that rough, then got on the forecheck in deep and almost scored an immediate goal. I think this was Morgen’s finest moment as guest camera operator/color commentator.
16) Burke Helmet Save – The only things keeping this from being the best save of all time are that a) it was a regular season game and b) I can’t be 100% sure that he did this on purpose. Also not totally clear if the ball goes off his outstretched arms or his noggin. But either way this desperation save, and the fact that it came against probably the top player in the league at the time (Gabe), cement it as one of the best we’ve ever seen.
15) Corey Scorpion – While we’re on the topic of saves, I’ve always been a sucker for a scorpion and this is the only one I’ve seen in a D5 game. Even though it robbed me of an assist, I’m glad it happened because the content is more than worth it. Just an amazing effort by Corey and his flashy flexibility surely drove the ladies (and probably some of the men) wild.
14) Avery Goal Of The Week – Incredible effort by Ave here to not just control the ball with one hand, not just get a shot off, but get a one handed shot off the backhand off with enough pace and placement that it went top corner. Of all the goals of the week, this is one that I am not sure anyone else could pull off. A very unique goal by a uniquely talented player.
13) Let’s Go Phelps – I have no doubt that I’m getting a text from him in the next 10 minutes about why this clip should be #1. It was certainly unexpected, bizarre and no doubt electric as Phelps, in the waning moments of a playoff victory, in a move never seen or attempted before, started chanting for himself.
No one joined in, but it was iconic nonetheless when a) purple went on to win the championship as a 10 seed and b) Hicks spent $1500 to forever commemorate this moment in Nashville with a bottle of tequila that no one even touched because we had already been at this place for 5 hours.
It should be noted that he did this despite the fact that Phelps didn’t even come to this club. But man, was Hicks pleased with himself, although maybe not as much when reviewing his credit card statement the next morning.
12) Ball That OT Winner – On a list that featured multiple videos of people doing weird things, some flip cup games and footage from Nashville’s summer nightlife, an honest to goodness crazy playoff moment, the kind that remind you why you play in this ridiculous league (well, that and the flip cup). Ball That went into this game with their captain and best player Jeff injured and thus just coaching from the bench. But even without him playing and with Zisser making a relief appearance in net, they were able to push this playoff matchup against the higher seeded Cheetahs to OT. It looked like orange was done as Gabe cooked their D and made a great pass to captain Jo for the winner. But Zisser made a miraculous stick save and while the bench was still going wild, Brett Cantor went the other way, got the ball off a weird carom off the boards and uncorked a clapper that went in and improbably gave them the OT victory. It was a crazy turn of events as they went from we’re about to lose to holy shit we won in literally 7 seconds. And while they would go on to get eliminated in the next round by the eventual champion Cleveland Browns, this still ranks as one of the crazier playoff moments we’ve ever had.
11) Dewey Double – I believe this was the first night Sal worked the camera, in a relief capacity, and as soon as I reviewed footage of the Dewey situation I knew this was the man for us. I will go more in depth on the story of Hicks and Dewey in the next installment of this series but basically Dewey, after having ghosted Hicks for the first half of the season, showed up and scored multiple highlight reel goals, throwing the crowd into hysterics with frantic rival GMs asking who the hell this guy was and accusing him of being a ringer. He would electrify Hippos fans for exactly two games before disappearing for the rest of the season, only to return a year later and score the championship winning goal for Hicks. More on that later though. For now…just enjoy what is basically Sal’s digital rookie card.
Next up: The Top 10. Oh my.