Green Street Hooligans (-110)
The Goaldiggers (-130)
Over 6.5 (-105)
Under 6.5 (-135)
Notes: A man sitting on a bus home from Atlantic City has a lot of thoughts to ponder. Who am I, what have I done, why did I keep betting hard ways 8s and the field in craps instead of just lighting my money on fire and saving everyone a lot of time and energy…there’s a lot going on. Hypothetically, of course. And for this hypothetical man, who has the duty to make hypothetical lines for a hypothetical hockey league made up of people who understood that craps reference with ease because they have issues too, to now have to find subs and try to handicap ball hockey games instead of sleeping and/or inducing vomiting on the 2 and a half hour bus ride back feels like even more of a sick joke than the aforementioned doomed to failure field bets that are almost certainly causing league dues to double next season (jk…maybe). So now that we’ve gotten past the incoherent ramblings section of this preview we come to the actual game at hand where Probie’s Green Street Hooligans will visit Golddigger Stadium (probably located in Florida or Vegas) to face Guido, Tarnow, Nate Lerner of course, and their merry band of Kanye West aficinados. Green will be without the services of Mob Wife Charlotte and Shannon “Shanny” Sebor and will be using Crimson Wave captain Meg who is really getting her moneys worth this season with a 2nd sub appearance in two weeks (it helps that her schedule is almost as flexible as someone who went to AC on a Sunday night). The Goaldiggers will be missing the bash sisters Nico and Nicola and will be getting the services of Ryann. Of course as I type this there is now the possibility that Mia will sub for white, Geldner for green and Meg will be forced to ref. Who the hell knows. Green started the season with a loss last week but it should be noted they controlled the first half of the game and just ran out of gas late. White is an unproven commodity but has a deep bench and some high end talent at the top of the lineup. Tough game to handicap, especially when your body feels like it’s been powerslammed by Mike Warren. Take the under because the goalies are cool and I’m too lazy to pick a winner.
Notes: Speaking of bruiser Warren, we come to one of the stranger games of the evening. The Sex Panthers are setting league records this season but definitely not the kind I had hoped for. After a week one victory with less than two full lines to start and only 5 rostered guys, blue has decided that my life is not painful enough yet and this week we are rolling out a lineup with only 3 rostered guys. 3. Think about this for a second: we have 10 guys and 4 girls on the roster, and tonight we will have more rostered girls than guys playing. I love the commitment the ladies have to this team, but the men really need to get it together or risk being traded/released/killed. Soon enough I hope Canor Boyle will move his work schedule around, Liang will be ready to come back and run more than any man should and Austin will return to society from his west coast ski bum van life sojourn, driving across the country with his hockey stick, dog and mustache in tow to give blue some scoring punch. In the meantime though its tough times for any Sex Panther who isn’t in peak physical condition, which is basically all of us except for Kelsey (that bitch is fierce). Purple, meanwhile, had been getting completely savaged in the league media and all my private conversations but picked up a season opening victory and now get to face blue’s merry band of misfits with a full roster and a lot of momentum. Jenn went on a drunken rampage last night and changed their team name to the Horny Helmet Men which disgusted feminists while turning Braun on. In an attempt to stop the potent, we’re taking 50 combined shots per game combo of Jack and Mike T, blue will be rolling out the ever elusive three goalie lineup: Zisser and Casca subbing at forward while Ryan Waldman mans the net. Probably one or two more subs incoming but it’s going to be rough. I can’t believe I’m saying this but as much as it may hurt, consider betting on Jack in this one. It will just juice the lines for his future games and hopefully motivate my team to start showing up before I off myself and this team is now captained by Caitlin and renamed The Cat Farm, the Fighting Pie-Pies or some other similar name that is making me throw up in my mouth as we speak. Also if Mike Warren comes near me this game he’s getting suspended.
Notes: What a marquee matchup we have for the fans tonight. It’s a team named after a childhood dream Hicks had vs a team named after Meg’s menstruation cycle. Skinny Braun is out of town, either on business or at a seminar learning how to take better instagram photos for Jenna, but neither team has asked me to find them any subs so they either have mostly full rosters or they plan on cheating profusely. Only time will tell but the CWave has to be the favorite here, led by a powerful (some might even say Beastly) combo of Meg, Cutler & Sully on defense supporting everyone’s favorite construction litigation attorney Zisser in net and everyone’s least favorite auditor McQuade running in circles looking for defensemen to maul for 39 minutes. The Hippos lost a heartbreaker last week, with purple scoring a late goal with 14 seconds left to shock Hicks and compel him to text me this morning asking if I know a good steroid dealer (this actually happened). This may be a good time to reiterate the league policy on performance enhancing drugs: not only do we not have such a policy but I personally would love to see league members put their bodies at risk and test the limits of peak human performance. With Hicks texting me in all caps since 8 AM this morning I’m assuming he’s going to be fully jacked up for this contest and he will need to be at his best. There was talk of a Q Train cameo but with no helmeted hero in sight, it’s up to Captain Meatbox and his wife, the unfortunately named Sarahbox, to lead yellow to victory. I’m not sure they’ll be able to do it but I also am the guy who almost got thrown out of the Borgata on a Monday night so what the hell do I know.
My Cup Size Is Stanley (-155)
Spicy Tuna Rolls Horny Helmet Men (+115)
Over 6.0 (-120)
Under 6.0 (-120)
Notes: Finally we get to the final matchup of the evening and the final preview for me to half-ass before I can move on to more pressing matters like drinking a gallon of water and figuring out how strict Greyhounds no smoking weed on the bus policy is. The Spicy Tuna Rolls will be playing our first doubleheader of the season and unfortunately for them, this game will feature a team with more than two lines of players and knowing some of those players, more than five lines of cocaine. Black will be missing Hogg for most of the season but has Max in net, his younger brother making his D5 debut and Ariel back as co-captain after the failure of the Summer 2019 season made him consider ditching the league and starting a new life out west. No word on how his wife/kids felt about that or why that dream ended up happening for Austin but regardless, everyone’s favorite almost-bald defenseman will need to control play and give his forwards quick outlets to attack purple. The Tuna Rolls / Horny Men squad will be playing their 2nd game of the night which could mean they’ll be warmed up and ready to play but with Jack’s cardio could also mean they will be mercilessly destroyed by Jenn’s boobs. As much fun as it is to imagine a 3-0 start for purple, I think black’s potent combination of baldness and boobs will be too much for Jack’s creeping baldness to take on. Rich Glanzer, ScottyK and Larry David will be going nuts as Ariel leads black to an opening night victory. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I have SPY options to buy and a disgusting bus bathroom to smoke in. What a life. See ya tonight. Don’t forget to fill out your COVID forms or Jenn’s breasts will come after you, and not in the way that you want.