Editor’s Note: Minsky was the only person who submitted full analysis for every team and there was once an edition of these ranks where I forgot to include any of his comments so they are presented in full in this edition.
1) Red Floyd
Average Rank: 1.50
Previous Rank: 2 (up 1)
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 2
Standard Deviation: 0.58
1st Place Votes: 2 of 4
Comments: Red finishes the season 1st in the standings for the second time in three seasons. Despite much regular season success, however, the franchise under the leadership of Nate has yet to even make a championship game, let alone win the cup. But they’ve also never looked quite this impressive. Will this be the year?
Comments From Anonymous Rankers Minsky:
Fuck these guys are good, and Sonj is on an absolute heater, but I feel like I’ve seen this movie before. Maybe the Nate Lerner School of Hockey will finally introduce a course called “winning in the playoffs.”
2) SexyBack
Average Rank: 2.25
Previous Rank: 1 (down 1)
Highest Rank: 1
Lowest Rank: 4
Standard Deviation: 1.50
1st Place Votes: 2 of 4
Comments: Heading into the last night of the season this team could have finished as low as 7th. Instead they end up 3rd despite a season where Chad and Sam only played one game together (the season opener), Phelps moved to Georgia and Brooke got concussed. There are a lot of questions surrounding the roster heading into the playoffs but if everyone shows up, this is a dangerous team indeed.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers Minsky:
Sure they’re in 6th place and no longer have Phelps, but never count out Frey’s ability to win by any means necessary. For example, I saw a casting call looking to fly in Atlanta-based actors for a commercial that films mid September in NYC. I think the commercial was for a company called Beastventures.
3) Layin’ Pipe
Average Rank: 2.75
Previous Rank: 3 (unchanged)
Highest Rank: 2
Lowest Rank: 3
Standard Deviation: 0.50
Comments: Amazingly, in the playoff challenge, silver is favored over blue by a close to an 80/20 margin. In the power ranks, however, Pipe falls to 3rd despite an impressive regular season that saw them finish with a +28 goal differential. The team is certainly more well-rounded than last season’s edition which came within a hair of winning the cup, but there are questions about depth and no one knows where the hell Jeff Green is. The fact that they only need two victories makes them a popular pick to win the franchise’s first cup.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers Minsky:
Half this team is fresh off winning the OC tourney, so the vibes are undeniably sky high. But unlike Queens Boulevard, this squad doesn’t have the dynamic Alex-Aryeh duo to carry them through the playoffs. Nor do they have Jeff, who will likely need to be extradited from the PRC after they find enough ketamine on his person to sedate the entire city of Guangzhou. Unless the United States is willing to trade away a Chinese spy (or Eric Swalwell), I’m not sure he’ll be back before the season ends.
4) My Cup Size Is Stanley
Average Rank: 3.75
Previous Rank: 4 (unchanged)
Highest Rank: 2
Lowest Rank: 5
Standard Deviation: 1.56
Comments: When they got out to a 6-0 start I maintained that this team was solid but closer to middle class than upper class. A four game losing streak to end the season seemed to confirm these suspicions but the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. This is a strong team with scoring, defense and elite goaltending but they’re going to have to figure out what the hell went wrong in those final few weeks to have a shot of taking down the upper echelon of the league.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers Minsky:
Sure they’ve been put down, written off, and called a bunch of boobs, but even an ass man would get horny watching this team play. Assuming Jo Robin doesn’t book a last second trip to Nova Scotia or Israel, this team is a wagon and should definitely have their bar tab picked up by their grateful captain after being forced to play three games in a single night in 80 degree heat.
5) The GoldMembers
Average Rank: 5.75
Previous Rank: 5 (unchanged)
Highest Rank: 5
Lowest Rank: 7
Standard Deviation: 0.96
Comments: For the first couple weeks of the season it seemed like this team would never stop scoring as they put up 23 points in their first four games while Corey was top five in the scoring race. Unfortunately, they soon realized there was a reason they were able to get him in round 2 as he randomly hurt his shoulder at Chelsea and is now out for the season. They’ll get a sub for the playoffs but it won’t be quite the same as the chemistry Corey, Neil and Annie showed those first few games. Still, it’s a well rounded group that plays a strong possession game and if Annie and Max get hot, watch out.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers Minsky:
Credit where credit is due, this is a really solid squad and their four losses have all been against good teams and close games for the most part. If Corey ever finishes PT, this is a dangerous team. Count on Joe to continue consolidating his power after the ousting of his co-captain last season has been working out so well.
6) Ninja Turtles
Average Rank: 6.25
Previous Rank: 6 (unchanged)
Highest Rank: 4
Lowest Rank: 8
Standard Deviation: 1.71
Comments: The top of this team’s lineup is insane and led them to some truly impressive wins down the stretch. Unfortunately attendance has been an issue and it now appears Luke will miss the first playoff week. If they can make it through those opening matchups without him, they’re as good a bet as any team to hoist the cup. But that’s a mighty big if.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers Minsky:
Kinda puzzling how this team is in 7th place, especially with the core they have. To be fair, I heard Cherie moved, and I don’t recognize much of the rest of this roster, but the things they did to Jake Chaplin’s dad in a gym in Harlem yesterday makes me worried for the double(bald)header I have against them tonight.
7) The Seahorses
Average Rank: 6.50
Previous Rank: 10 (up 3)
Highest Rank: 5
Lowest Rank: 8
Standard Deviation: 1.29
Comments: This team looked like a legit disaster when they lost their first five games but, since then, have reeled off five straight regulation wins and improbably have risen all the way up to 6th place. I’m not convinced that run of wins is sustainable come playoff time but if Tom and James keep playing the way they have, who knows.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers Minsky:
I won’t write anything mean about this team on Mel’s birthday, but if I were to, it would probably be about how their success almost completely hinges on whether Weymouth, Massachusetts decides to hold their Irish Folk Music festival on a Tuesday night this year.
8) UPS
Average Rank: 7.25
Previous Rank: 8 (up 1)
Highest Rank: 6
Lowest Rank: 8
Standard Deviation: 0.96
Comments: UPS has shored up their defense tremendously since starting the season giving up an incredibly 21 goals in 3 games. Unfortunately they dug themselves into an 8th place hole meaning they need to win three games to even make the final four, but they did win their last two and they do have Cardello coming in from Mass to give the team a spark. Hicks also bet either $50 or $100 on Saturday night that they would beat black tonight. Let’s see what brown can do for you.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers Minsky:
I generally give zero shits about basketball or the Midwest, but with co-captain Cardello deserting NYC for rural Rhode Island, I now know of the pain that the city of Cleveland felt when Lebron ditched them for South Beach. Unc will be missed by teammates and friends, and rivals and enemies alike, and sadly I don’t see how this team comes back from losing their heart and soul and Brita. My only hope for solace is that UPS was able to efficiently deliver the five championship trophies he’s earned in the last few months.
9) Merry Pranksters
Average Rank: 9.00
Previous Rank: 9 (unchanged)
Highest Rank: 9
Lowest Rank: 9
Standard Deviation: 0.00
Comments: Pranksters have been ranked 9th all season and finish with everyone ranking them as such. They’ve had some impressive efforts and the roster is altogether not so bad but this team is definitely a far cry from last season’s legit contender that almost made the finals even without Jo Robin. It’s going to take a legendary captaining performance by Gelman to will this team to a 2nd straight final four appearance. I don’t see it, but I’ll be pulling for them.
Comments From Anonymous Rankers Minsky:
If only Gelman would’ve learned from my own misadventures about drafting exclusively defenseman last season. Pretty soon you’ll see him ripping shots from the red line out of desperation, followed by being the subject of a flurry of unfunny but hurtful memes about not passing. After that comes a winter of soul-searching and finally, the end of his D5 captaincy. Tread carefully, my friend.
10) White Walkers
Average Rank: 10.00
Previous Rank: 8 (down 2)
Highest Rank: 10
Lowest Rank: 10
Standard Deviation: 0.00
Comments: Two teams with a zero standard deviation close out the ranks as, much like with the Pranksters, every single ranker had the same assessment of this team: not good. I had my doubts about this squad and ranked them last in the season opening rankings and betting lines, but even I did not foresee a winless regular season; even the Mensches and that post-covid Hyenas team picked up wins at some point. Still, the team is not without talent and if they can finally get the full roster to show up to some playoff games, they won’t be an easy out. That said, Satok being in Greece and a matchup against a high quality gold team does not bode well. Ω
Comments From Anonymous Rankers Minsky:
This team wasn’t great on paper and certainly hasn’t been great on the court. And even more troubling, they’ve played 9 games and I still don’t understand their team name- what is a White Walker? Is it a antiwoke remake of Walker Texas Ranger? Is it me when I jaywalk really quickly? Is it a sexual thing? (Probably). They do have potential, but according to my high school chemistry teacher so did I and I lasted exactly 2 weeks in pre med before opting for finance.