Shocking news out of New Jersey today as, for the second time this week, Yehuda has been excommunicated. After months of captains discussing what is the proper valuation of a draft pick, we now know the apparent street value of a 5th rounder and it is “get this off my fucking roster ASAP.” For the second time in less than a week, Yehuda Bad Yehuda has been dealt in a blockbuster six player deal, being moved from black to maroon along with Mike Sanchick and former 2nd round pick Scott Metz for Jared, Lucas and Jeremy. Those three are excited to go from beatin’ their meats to playing with boobs, as anyone would be, while Yehuda Sanchick and Metz are pumped to escape a dumpster fire situation that has allowed 20 goals in 3 games and feels like an ongoing crime against humanity. Yehuda’s tenure on Cup Size will end with 0 games played, four days of speculation over what they were thinking with the original trade and a move to one of the more goyish teams in the league.
Asked for comment, Team Captain Ryan Levine said “The meat was being beat too much. And then the post nut clarity hit.” We’ve all been there before, but I’m not sure how acquiring runs in circles, shoots wide and slams his stick Weinbach is the solution. Team GM and league merch supplier Tommy Covelli’s statement was a bit more direct:
“The plan? Deflect blame off of our own poor performance by trading half of the roster that we hand selected. From there, we will change our name to avoid any and all backlash and justify our shortsighted and possibly harmful actions.
Welcome Metz, Sanchick, Yehuda!“
It may sound ridiculous to you but this is literally a strategy that Fortune 500 companies and legendary drug dealers use all the time, often with great success. Well, maybe not the part where they acquire Yehuda but the other stuff does apply.
Sanchick and Metz are unfortunately somewhat innocent victims in this situation but the Yehuda trade tree hurricane is so big that it’s sweeping up five new players, many of whom were drafted above him. Sanchick was one of the few bright spots for Cup Size this season as, with two goals in two games, he was literally scoring 50% of their goals in the games that he played, and as a defenseman to boot. I haven’t discussed the trade with Metz but I am 100% certain he is pleased to move to a team with championship aspirations, even if this has been an uncharacteristically down year for them thus far. Will this roster shakeup propel them out of the play-ins and into a top four seed? Also on fans’ minds: this was the first draft the team’s front office conducted without former GM Of The Year Award Winner Tommy Covelli at the helm as he was off in Africa watching animals fight and have sex and probably doing a bit of both of those himself. Is this just a mere coincidence? According to most fans and probably Covelli himself, it is not.
Meanwhile on the other side of the ledger, black acquires an intriguing mix of players/hostages for the rest of the season, or at least until they trade them again. Lucas has one of the hardest shots and the bushiest beards in the entire league. In fact, after starting the season with a team of underage kids rocking fake IDs to Dorrian’s who probably couldn’t grow facial hair over the course of the entire year, they now have a dude who could probably snap them all over his knee the way Bane did to Batman. Jared may not be the bruiser with the ripping shot that Lucas is, but he’s a solid player with experience and a classy touch of grey hair that will add some gravitas to this thus far historically bad roster. Jeremy Schooler is somewhat new to D5 but will be looked to to add secondary scoring to a team that hasn’t had secondary, primary, tertiary or any type of visible scoring this season. He also mentioned on his registration that he has some goaltending experience so perhaps the goal here was to light a fire under Sonj’s ass, which I’ve seen many times after D5 games.
Asked for comment, Cup Size issued the following statement from a seedy sex shop on the side of a highway in West Orange, NJ:
“I’ve always said I wanted Bad Yehuda (TM) on my team to see how it would go and it was actually quite pleasant for the last week and a half. Probably because we didn’t play any hockey. Now that we’re back to playing it was time to make space for the long term roster”
Questions about after this deal. Will Yehuda play hard and actually be a solid teammate now that he’s with his Rens buddies? Will Sanchick enjoy being on a team named after masturbation? Will Cup Size keep trading players until their roster is unrecognizable from the draft day monstrosity Jenn told us was going to be among the league’s best? One thing is official in the afterglow of this tittyfucking: Beatin’ Meat is no more. Tuesday night begins the era of Crankin’ Hog.
Note: this is just a placeholder logo. I expect the real one to be significantly more disturbing.