Pinky Toe (-1.0 Goals) (-230)
Merry Pranksters (+1.0 Goals) (+150)
Over 7.5 Goals (-145)
Under 7.5 Goals (EVEN)
Notes: Pink rolls into this matchup badly in need of a win after a week one pounding at the hands of orange. Before the season it seemed like they would be comfortably favored in this one but the Pranksters actually looked quite good in their debut on Thursday, beating purple by two and leading Glatt’s for much of the game before a late comeback by brown. Tonight they won’t have Nick and Satok though which certainly tips the scales at least slightly towards pink, who is also using Sophia’s college friend and possible ringer as a sub. Seems like Doug’s in net for Pranksters and maybe they’ll get Bramson or Tarnow or Nate as a player sub…who knows. I need to spice up these previews because at a certain point there’s only so much I can write about these matchups where I don’t even know exactly what the rosters look like. Maybe I’ll find some pretense to compare these matchups to the songs I’m actually listening to as I write these very previews. Very meta I know.
Song This Matchup Tangentially Reminds Me Of: Gettin’ Over You
After taking a drubbing last week at the hands of orange Yehuda must have felt like the lovelorn protagonist of this song pining for his ex when thinking of last year’s pink team that made it to the finals. To be fair it was just one game and there’s a long season ahead to figure things out but if things don’t change quickly, there will indeed be no gettin’ over you for the youngest son of the Rabbi Weinbach. Similarly, Gelman took a year off captaining but realized that his heart ached for the sweet action of haggling over subs and wondering who would play in net for his team on a Friday night. He tried but the siren song of captaining a ball hockey team was just too great for his heart to resist. Dear Captaincy – there’s just no gettin’ over you. Signed, Gelman.
Street Meat (-145)
Merry Pranksters (EVEN)
Over 8.0 Goals (-130)
Under 8.0 Goals (-110)
Notes: I continue to have no idea who’s in net for tie dye but I’m trying to convince Sophia and feel like she can be bribed. Sounds like she should be in as she will make the very brave decision of leaving her friends who are her to visit her in the stands to be entertained by Yehuda (don’t worry, I’ll get them booze). Sophia also just texted me to bail on this game so actually TBD who plays in net. UPDATE: It’s AJ. Meanwhile Street Meat has some of its older, meatier members out of action tonight as Oskar, Ariel, Rob and Erik are all out but a good portion of the lineup is in and the team continues to get the Ken/Ryan ends of the tandems for tonight. I’m expecting a fairly high scoring game, particularly if I can’t find a goalie for the Pranksters. But I know what the people really want. They want a half-assed analysis of whatever random song is on my playlist.
Song This Matchup Tangentially Reminds Me Of: Promiscuous
First, 2007 was weird. It really makes no sense looking back but for a maybe 6 month stretch, Nelly Furtado was probably the hottest artist in the industry. And I don’t just mean looks wise although the young Portugese mom look certainly has its supporters (probably Gelman tbh). She was everywhere. And this song was probably her magnum opus, although I did recently find this remix of Give It To Me and have to say it is quite good.
Anyways where was I. Oh yes, Promiscuous. Well, promiscuity is certainly nothing new to this league, particularly when Dorrian’s is on the agenda. But there is some hockey promiscuity also going down here as Street Meat is the first team to ever be captained by tandems and while Ken is meaty all the way, Levine is as hockey promiscuous as it gets. I mean last year he had a 3rd team as part of a goalie tandem as well but that proved to be a little too much for his squishy concussed brain and he had to take a step back this season to just two teams. As for the promiscuity of the Pranksters…I’ll report back after I see their performance at Dorrian’s.
The Phantom Pie Pie (-3.0 Goals) (-120)
The MilkMob (+3.0 Goals) (-120)
Over 7.0 Goals (-110)
Under 7.0 Goals (-130)
Song This Matchup Tangentially Reminds Me Of: Summertime Sadness
Anything can happen in a hockey game, particularly at the D5 level (the highest level there is), but considering Pie Pie is 3-0 and in 1st place overall while MilkMob is 0-1 and missing their top picks, this is looking like more Summertime Sadness for them. Moreso springtime? Too on the nose? Possibly, but it’s one of my 10 favorite songs of all time and incredibly appropriate here. Orange likely to feel electric tonight, milk to hopefully die happy tonight. Incidentally Die Happy was also the name of an underground members only password protected gentleman’s club I used to take clients to years ago. Joe would’ve no doubt loved it.
Street Meat (+120)
The UMass Football Team (-165)
Over 7.5 Goals (-120)
Under 7.5 Goals (-120)
Song This Matchup Tangentially Reminds Me Of: Royals
Between Joe, Jo, Ken and Ryan we have four of the top players in the league in this matchup. Lorde may have meant royals somewhat dismissively, but I certainly do not. Whichever twosome is able to impose their will on the game is likely to win it. That said, Ian had six goals in his only game of the season and I have random people, both from in and out of the league, texting me asking for aggressive Sean Gavin any time goalscorer lines so maybe that’s what will actually decide it.
I also feel like I once did a review of each section of this song and ranked them against each other. Let’s do that again. Which part of Royals would actually be the best in real life?
Gold Teeth, Grey Goose, Trippin In The Bathroom: Grey Goose is slightly overrated as a top tier vodka but it is still excellent. Tripping in the bathroom could refer to hallucinogens or being so hammered that you can’t stand anymore; debatable which is preferable. Meanwhile I haven’t seen a white guy pull off gold teeth since Joe Pesci in Home Alone. Honestly, this group is kind of a dud. 3/10, solely out of respect for vodka.
Bloodstains, Ball Gowns, Trashin The Hotel Room: Anyone who’s ever traveled with me knows that I have no issue with a proper trashing of a hotel room or rental home. As long as you don’t get shaken down for thousands of dollars in damages, which does happen btw, it can be a rollicking good time. Quite sadly I’ve never worn a ball gown but if properly tailored I think it’d be likely to really elevate an ensemble. Bloodstains are a little ominous though and really drag the rest of this category down. Even if it’s a byproduct of the aforementioned hotel room trashing, best to avoid. 2/10, solely out of respect for property damage.
Cristal, Maybach, Diamonds On Your Timepiece: Much better. If Grey Goose is slightly overrated as a luxury vodka, Cristal is extremely overrated in the luxury champagne tier but it’s still a delightful refreshment to sprinkle into your night out. Maybachs are insane and if I ever make a rap video they will be prominently featured but that notion, however amusing, does seem somewhat unlikely. As for diamonds on your timepiece – not sure anyone in this league can really pull those off but their baller quotient is simply undeniable. 9/10.
Jet Planes, Islands, Tigers On A Gold Leash: Things have really escalated from a few minutes ago when I was starting this piece and considering whether there was any way to spin bloodstains as positive. Jet planes and islands – I mean who could possibly argue with that? Absolutely excellent and if that was the end of the category it would be an easy winner. But tigers on a gold leash…that’s a fairly low ceiling (probably fun to have as a pet) with a really really low floor (tiger mauls you while you’re eating breakfast). I guess the question is whether you’d have the guaranteed financial security of owning a Maybach (generally several hundred thousand dollars) and diamonds on your watch or the exciting adventures of traveling on private jets to various islands, but with the possible downside of being mauled by a tiger. As anyone whose played in this league for any amount of time knows, we don’t play it safe. I’m giving this one a 9.5/10 and declaring it the champ. Good stuff. Also should be a good hockey game. Probably.
The MilkMob (EVEN)
Baja Blast (-145)
Over 7.0 Goals (-120)
Under 7.0 Goals (-120)
Song This Matchup Tangentially Reminds Me Of: Miami 2 Ibiza
I have no idea who’s in goal for MilkMob and Jordan has told me he’s going to figure it out right before the game. This line assumes Carl agrees to stay but if its someone else or they play with an empty net, all bets are off. And ok, there’s really nothing about this matchup that reminds me of this song. But on the first Dorrian’s night of the season I have to go with one of my all-time favorite partying songs & music videos, particularly the second half of it when it turns from standard well-done hip hop/techno mash up to a fever dream of high level partying, hanging on a yacht and possibly having sex in the bathroom of a club in Ibiza. Anyone who’s been to a tournament with me has probably heard this one blasted on repeat at either 9 AM or 4 AM. Rarely anything in between. Likely to come on tonight as well. See ya then.