Shocking news out of Hewlett this morning as Hockey At Glatt’s, fresh off the first losing season in franchise history, is taking the franchise model somewhat literally and rebranding to Bruger King, effective immediately. It’s an amazing honor for Elian Bruger and appears to be management’s way of thanking him for his highlight reel crunching of Nate and his willingness to pay $195 in spring dues just to occupy a roster spot and occasionally go to Dorrian’s. No word on whether he’s aware that there’s no cover and pretty much anyone can get in there.
In a statement sent out at 7 AM Glattman simply wrote “Good evening.” Everetts reportedly been absent from the bar all weekend so I think he may actually have died. Meanwhile Tony, the biggest proponent of the rebrand, is now skyrocketing up the Getting Your Way rankings which is fitting as Burger King’s motto is literally “have it your way.” Zuck, out til late in the season with a knee injury, left the franchise in his friends’ hands for literally one week and they changed the name to something that sounds like the worst restaurant in history and the logo to something out of my nightmares. No word on whether the rebrand affects their standing in the Jewish Power Rankings, the Handsome Rankings, the upcoming Diva Rankings or the actual league Power Rankings.
In related news, pink is rebranding to Wendy’s, red to Red Lobster and green to Jake Shack. We’ll have further updates on those as they develop. Chocolate MilkMob is already a reference to what happens to Hicks after his daily visits to Taco Bell.