The pick: You come here for the hockey and dick jokes, but you stay for the degenerate gambling. Well gamblers, if you really have the sickness, this is a game to bet on for you. Both teams are completely up in the air leading to a plethora of bizarre possibilities. The Varsity Warriors must be at that weird part of the movie where Charlie hates Adam Banks and leaves the team (never explained: how the varsity team of this random prep school dominates a squad that was supposedly USA’s best in the previous film’s Goodwill Games). Marko’s probably out saving a cat somewhere, ScottyK is out of town on his sexy new job, Julie’s back is broken in what I can only assume is the aftermath of a fight with Bane – what can I say, this team has issues. Luckily, they are getting two “world champions” in the form of Ariel and Rich. In addition to raising this team’s average age by a full decade, they will bring championship mettle and lots of references to Crossfit and The Patriarchy. While the Warriors will only have 2 or 3 subs in this game, Probie/Ariel is one of the few combos that can go goal-for-goal with Avery/Cherie. On the other side, fellow “world champion” Lauren Jones is out of the lineup, supposedly because she “has a real job” and “can’t leave at 5:30 to play ball hockey” and “wants me to please stop emailing her about it now.” Avery, meanwhile, has yet to RSVP as of the time of this publication and his potential absence will make Alex question his decision to let Ben use Ariel in this game (Rich is fine). Either way, with temperatures expected to be around 76 degrees come gametime, look for the younger team with the heavier (not fatter) bench to pick up the W in yet another high-scoring affair.
BONUS LINE: Will Rich Glanzer score a goal in this game?
No Way (-500)
I Believe In Miracles (+350)
A sad day for America, but a seminal moment for Rich’s Ocean City team.
The pick: Team Bombay was given the proverbial “crapping on” (that’s a technical term, btw) by many pundits before the season. These pundits clearly did not realize how good Joe P or Paul were or how nice Sully was to get us these permits so don’t be rude to him anymore please. Anyway, Ball Hogg is currently 70/30 to miss this game, leaving him with a doubtful designation. If he can’t go Bombay will receive the services of Ariel but in his second game in a row and at the same age as the Sedin twins, will he be 100%? Whether Hogg is in or not they will also have the services of free agent Sebastian and @eitanthegoalie making a mockery of his own Twitter handle by playing as a forward (WE TRUSTED YOU!). The Cheetahs, meanwhile, hit the road after an extremely successful home opener against the beleaguered Hippos. Jo-Ann’s strategy of building teams that suffocate you with defense and goaltending (where have we seen that one before?) looked sound in week 1, but it will also depend on whether Campbell remembers to bring his pads this time around. Shelly is supposedly on vacation doing what teachers do when summer kicks off but the rest of the team should be there. Actually, I have no idea if the rest of the team will be there but Jo’s away, Mike’s been golfing and subs have been doled out so hopefully they can field a team. If not, line will shift significantly towards Bombay. Either way, the under is the pick.
No word on how many Olympic medals Jardine has won.
The pick: The Hippos had a rough start to the season as Hicks quickly realized that while love may conquer all, it unfortunately will not help your girlfriend come back early from hip surgery. But Sarah was at least able to make it back in time for this game after being held overnight in Chicago due to a bad case of booking with Spirit Airlines. They have also, after a series of negotiations with players, agents, family members and league officials, signed #akhilnation much to the delight of Morgen who hopes the duo can recreate their Sunday chemistry, but hopefully not their Sunday win/loss record. Team Cup Size will finally ice a full roster after coming out with a skeleton lineup last week that featured them at times playing with four female players and only one dude. While that may have worked for an Ocean City team that shall not be named, it is unlikely to work tomorrow. Thankfully, early draft picks such as Tarzan, Will Green and D-Ro are expected to make their season debuts while Sena/Eric will look to close this game out better than they did against the Fresh Kills Sunday. This has the makings of a tightly contested affair, with Hicks doing all he can to get the best of his Rehabs teammates while Pete & Cheeky control the neutral zone with the kind of pinpoint passing you can actually do on a legit hockey surface. Neither team wants to start the season 0-2 (technically 0-0-0-2 which is somehow even worse)…but much like Sarah carrying Brian home after the All-Star Game, the Hippos will have no choice. Under the bright lights of the Tuesday night game, bet on Cup Size to get their first victory of the season.
One more week for this pic, then it’s retired…probably.